Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came... - FML

By Chelsea - 2/4/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

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Season finale

Race against the clock

TMI

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Showtime

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

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By spekledworf - 5/8/2014 23:46 - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By ouch - 29/1/2010 20:19 - United States

Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

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By Jimseagoon - 3/9/2018 20:30

Today, my wife took me to Taco Bell for the first time. I said, "Isn't this where all those FMLs happen to people?" She said, "You'll be fine." I am writing this from the toilet. I am not fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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By Birthday Boy - 6/12/2017 05:00

Happy Birthday

Today, my family asked where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. They shot down my every suggestion and decided on sushi. I'm allergic, so the only thing I could eat was a veggie appetizer. Dad said I need to "expand my palate." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2015 21:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

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By "axon Impulse" - 15/5/2017 12:00

Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong! Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML

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By ihateyouatt - 18/3/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

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By katams - 26/2/2012 12:28 - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

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By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By xYumix - 17/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was late for an interview. Going into the elevator, a man ran up to the doors but since I was late, I pressed the "close" button. When I arrived to the office, the secretary asked me to wait. The boss walked in to interview me. The man whose face I closed the elevator doors on. FML

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By pinkleopleurodon - 9/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

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By Kelleee - 30/9/2017 20:00

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By Bart - 3/7/2015 04:32 - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By 4fingerdiscount - 13/9/2016 11:07 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my bitch of a boss sent out a group text saying she'd had a chainsaw accident and lost the tips of 4 of her fingers and would be out indefinitely. When I told my boyfriend, his immediate response was to grab my phone and reply "I'm stumped, I don't know what to say." She hasn't responded yet. FML

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By Gus - 30/11/2012 19:30 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML

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By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

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By WTTFFFF - 9/5/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 20:52

Today, after 6 years, two raises and a promotion, thanks to student loans I make less disposable income than I did when I first started this job. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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By embarassed - 21/4/2011 03:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

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By ccgundum - 1/2/2014 07:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 04:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

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By OL2R - 17/4/2012 08:29 - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

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By callofdutyhater - 21/8/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML

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By that's methed up, darling - 16/8/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dragged me to the local McDonald's, refusing to drive me home until he ate. When I mentioned how dangerous that part of town is, he stopped and went all Walter White on me in front of everyone, spouting lines like "I AM the danger" and "I'M the one who knocks, babe." FML

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By sassy_girl144 - 29/5/2015 10:58 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

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By xoxo - 1/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Miscommunication

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

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By PicturePerfect - 2/3/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2013 00:53 - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

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By julieb - 23/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was putting on cream and my son asked what it was for. I told him it was to keep the wrinkles away. He looked at me closely and replied, "I don't think it's working." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2019 02:00

Office life sucks

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2013 17:56 - Philippines - Dasmari?as

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

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Top comments

By marisaichiban | 0

#65610 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

If you're going to clubs, and bringing guys you just met home, YDI.

By Locket_fml | 0

#65618 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

Look on the bright side, $20 up.

COMMENTS

By marisaichiban | 0

#65610 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#923095 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:52

what's your complaint? did you think you were going to go out with him or something? you had sex with a hot guy an got $20. stop whining.

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2301344 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:59

well OP you sure as hell act like one

By Crunchy_fml | 0

#65615 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

at least you got some money?

By Locket_fml | 0

#65618 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

Look on the bright side, $20 up.

By knitbitch | 0

#65625 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:04

#3 is right. What are you going to spend the $20 on?

Reply

hahahayeahright | 5

#2983614 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:13

a cheap prostitute.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#4129629 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 23:11

And STD check?

Reply

jfsiv | 17

#7528008 - Thursday 10 August 2017 15:07

condoms?

By kika_fml | 0

#65632 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

You kinda deserved that one.

By Warcry21 | 1

#65634 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

sex and money... what's to complain about?

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#874337 - Saturday 20 February 2010 4:09

this is the general opinion. how are you upset about that? just be a little more clear on your prices next time.

Reply

qwertsarecool122 | 23

#5974391 - Friday 13 June 2014 20:27

STDs

By ZeShadow | 0

#65638 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

Try to be better at what you do... you'd get more than a 20$ bill

Reply

Casaundraaa | 9

#7527807 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:23

???

By Amkii | 0

#65640 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

You kind of are a prostitute if you go around clubs, sleeping with random guys. Wait, no. You didn't expect money, so it just makes you a slut. So the $20 is a bonus, then. What will you spend it on? Condoms? Birth control?

Reply

hooligan2050 | 0

#1522113 - Saturday 9 October 2010 15:28

true

Reply

Casaundraaa | 9

#7527808 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:24

??

Reply

imstillalostboy | 3

#7527817 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:39

hey why don't you stop slut shaming women or men for having sex. Don't degrade someone for doing something they like.

By Jo_The_Marten | 0

#65647 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:08

At least you got $20 out of the deal, and hopefully no STDs.

By BigLord | 0

#65655 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:11

Some guys here are right, be careful now, you don't want to have got anything extra in you besides those $20, right?