Intimacy: Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came... - FML

By Chelsea - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

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Vulture

QAnon weirdoes

Thermoregulation wars

By Anonymous - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Kingshill

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Auburn

Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date. I went to the bathroom for five minutes and returned to find my date had not only left, but poured ketchup all over our food to ruin it. FML

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By dumped - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How? He invited my mother to his house for coffee with his parents, and told her. She then had to come home and tell me I’d been dumped. FML

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By shadow1248 - United States - Stamford

Today, I had finally gotten my dogs to quiet down and my baby to fall asleep. Not thirty seconds later, my neighbor's car alarm went off. They aren't home for the weekend, and the damn alarm has now been blaring for three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 21:30

Maybe it's by accident?

Today, I've been binge-watching a certain Twitch/YouTube streamer. I love his political insights, but I've noticed he keeps saying, "On accident." It grinds my gears so much, I had to go outside and listen to birds chirping instead. FML

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By please_no - United States

Today, the water in my shower wouldn't drain so I used a snake to unclog it. I pulled almost a full foot of nasty hair and gunk out of the drain. I just moved in, and the previous owner was an elderly woman. I just pulled a foot of old lady pubes out of my drain. FML

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By Anonymous

#notyourmaid

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

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By Trama1201 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain

Ouch

Today, my girlfriend's "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting and cold-sweating while pissing acidic blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

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By strayy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelby

Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's pets conspired against me. "The dog ate my homework" has apparently become too clichéd for them. The new excuses are, "My cat chewed through my laptop power cable" and "the gecko ate my pen drive." FML

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By Anonymous

Afterthought

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he never thought we had a future together. He just wanted to move in together so he could get "cheaper rent for a while." FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Munich

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

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By popcorn - United States

Today, I was watching a movie online. There was a 15 minute ad. 13 minutes into watching an ad about birth control, I noticed that there was a "skip this ad" button in the corner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

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By Henji - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymoose - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

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By whorecrux - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By Lesbian

Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said "how are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone even when we said we were on a date. FML

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By o_O - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

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By Baegel - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

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By Naked and Afraid - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 11:02

Monday blues

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

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By imnotcrying

Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML

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By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By nomorecleanballs4u - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

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By Wrabel - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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By jackzz - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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By Actrent

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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Top comments

By marisaichiban | 0

#65610 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

If you're going to clubs, and bringing guys you just met home, YDI.

By Locket_fml | 0

#65618 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

Look on the bright side, $20 up.

COMMENTS

By marisaichiban | 0

#65610 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#923095 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:52

what's your complaint? did you think you were going to go out with him or something? you had sex with a hot guy an got $20. stop whining.

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2301344 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:59

well OP you sure as hell act like one

By Crunchy_fml | 0

#65615 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

at least you got some money?

By Locket_fml | 0

#65618 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

Look on the bright side, $20 up.

By knitbitch | 0

#65625 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:04

#3 is right. What are you going to spend the $20 on?

Reply

hahahayeahright | 5

#2983614 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:13

a cheap prostitute.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#4129629 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 23:11

And STD check?

Reply

jfsiv | 17

#7528008 - Thursday 10 August 2017 15:07

condoms?

By kika_fml | 0

#65632 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

You kinda deserved that one.

By Warcry21 | 1

#65634 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

sex and money... what's to complain about?

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#874337 - Saturday 20 February 2010 4:09

this is the general opinion. how are you upset about that? just be a little more clear on your prices next time.

Reply

qwertsarecool122 | 23

#5974391 - Friday 13 June 2014 20:27

STDs

By ZeShadow | 0

#65638 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

Try to be better at what you do... you'd get more than a 20$ bill

Reply

Casaundraaa | 9

#7527807 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:23

???

By Amkii | 0

#65640 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

You kind of are a prostitute if you go around clubs, sleeping with random guys. Wait, no. You didn't expect money, so it just makes you a slut. So the $20 is a bonus, then. What will you spend it on? Condoms? Birth control?

Reply

hooligan2050 | 0

#1522113 - Saturday 9 October 2010 15:28

true

Reply

Casaundraaa | 9

#7527808 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:24

??

Reply

imstillalostboy | 3

#7527817 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:39

hey why don't you stop slut shaming women or men for having sex. Don't degrade someone for doing something they like.

By Jo_The_Marten | 0

#65647 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:08

At least you got $20 out of the deal, and hopefully no STDs.

By BigLord | 0

#65655 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:11

Some guys here are right, be careful now, you don't want to have got anything extra in you besides those $20, right?