Intimacy: Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came... - FML

By Chelsea - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74237

You deserved it

38795

Tweet

Share

Late term

Season finale

Fancy a pint?

By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML

I agree, your life sucks

12688

You deserved it

1836

Tweet

Share

By I hate my job - Canada - Delta

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36144

You deserved it

3080

Tweet

Share

By boyfriend123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30684

You deserved it

3468

Tweet

Share

By Cherub - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68947

You deserved it

7783

Tweet

Share

By the next james herriot - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49423

You deserved it

3081

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2893

You deserved it

415

Tweet

Share

By brando2k5 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39815

You deserved it

5733

Tweet

Share

By solitaire - United States - Enumclaw

Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50088

You deserved it

8203

Tweet

Share

By screwed - Australia - Perth

Today, as a last resort for my back problems, I tried acupuncture. After the needles were placed and the doctor had left, I couldn't move for 30 minutes. I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39997

You deserved it

5041

Tweet

Share

By MisterBrown - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25665

You deserved it

3332

Tweet

Share

By Badday - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17909

You deserved it

29837

Tweet

Share

By no sir I have not - United States

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

15322

You deserved it

36226

Tweet

Share

By CoCo - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40044

You deserved it

11512

Tweet

Share

By killme - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39859

You deserved it

7101

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Ukraine

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13651

You deserved it

1303

Tweet

Share

By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16895

You deserved it

55135

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36681

You deserved it

3867

Tweet

Share

By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2457

You deserved it

120

Tweet

Share

By drastech99 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40663

You deserved it

8387

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 23:00

Working in retail sucks

Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1652

You deserved it

94

Tweet

Share

By insulted - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40997

You deserved it

3964

Tweet

Share

By cjk004 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46664

You deserved it

6592

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47808

You deserved it

3860

Tweet

Share

By LoadingMeows - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12758

You deserved it

1888

Tweet

Share

By Emily 1992 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1703

You deserved it

103

Tweet

Share

By EggBomb

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5428

You deserved it

9685

Tweet

Share

By happybidet - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10651

You deserved it

866

Tweet

Share

By Brokebitch2017

Today, I finally got my phone and internet services reinstated after a billing mishap. During the week that I was without service, I had 3 requests for interviews and a position offer. None of those opportunities are still available. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7266

You deserved it

803

Tweet

Share

By I'm donnnneeee - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26476

You deserved it

2409

Tweet

Share

By oaksac191 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28348

You deserved it

7742

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32330

You deserved it

3966

Tweet

Share

By stolenbike - United States

Today, my motorcycle was stolen from the 4th level of my “secure” gated parking garage. I strategically park it tightly between my car and a concrete wall to limit theft opportunity. They scratched my car trying to get it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49720

You deserved it

3921

Tweet

Share

By Time to study again

Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4541

You deserved it

208

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my son begged me to take him to the doctor for the weeping bloody rash on his penis so I had to take an unpaid day off for his appointment. The doctor laughed us out the door after it turned out to be a good old-fashioned friction burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3141

You deserved it

523

Tweet

Share

By zazzleface - United States - Bergenfield

Today, my mom was in the kitchen when her shirt caught on fire. Acting quickly, I poured my glass of water on her. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me for making a mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31188

You deserved it

2355

Tweet

Share

By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

643

You deserved it

187

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home from school with my guy friends, my dad pulled up by the sidewalk, offered me a handful of dollar bills and said, "Get in, baby." Only after we drove away and he started laughing did I realize I'll probably never hear the end of this at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31235

You deserved it

6817

Tweet

Share

By CBBP - United States

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89670

You deserved it

8727

Tweet

Share

By Anon - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21727

You deserved it

3014

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bel Air

Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46909

You deserved it

13507

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By marisaichiban | 0

#65610 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

If you're going to clubs, and bringing guys you just met home, YDI.

By Locket_fml | 0

#65618 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

Look on the bright side, $20 up.

COMMENTS

By marisaichiban | 0

#65610 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#923095 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:52

what's your complaint? did you think you were going to go out with him or something? you had sex with a hot guy an got $20. stop whining.

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2301344 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:59

well OP you sure as hell act like one

By Crunchy_fml | 0

#65615 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

at least you got some money?

By Locket_fml | 0

#65618 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:03

Look on the bright side, $20 up.

By knitbitch | 0

#65625 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:04

#3 is right. What are you going to spend the $20 on?

Reply

hahahayeahright | 5

#2983614 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:13

a cheap prostitute.

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#4129629 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 23:11

And STD check?

Reply

jfsiv | 17

#7528008 - Thursday 10 August 2017 15:07

condoms?

By kika_fml | 0

#65632 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

You kinda deserved that one.

By Warcry21 | 1

#65634 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:05

sex and money... what's to complain about?

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#874337 - Saturday 20 February 2010 4:09

this is the general opinion. how are you upset about that? just be a little more clear on your prices next time.

Reply

qwertsarecool122 | 23

#5974391 - Friday 13 June 2014 20:27

STDs

By ZeShadow | 0

#65638 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

Try to be better at what you do... you'd get more than a 20$ bill

Reply

Casaundraaa | 9

#7527807 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:23

???

By Amkii | 0

#65640 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:06

You kind of are a prostitute if you go around clubs, sleeping with random guys. Wait, no. You didn't expect money, so it just makes you a slut. So the $20 is a bonus, then. What will you spend it on? Condoms? Birth control?

Reply

hooligan2050 | 0

#1522113 - Saturday 9 October 2010 15:28

true

Reply

Casaundraaa | 9

#7527808 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:24

??

Reply

imstillalostboy | 3

#7527817 - Thursday 10 August 2017 3:39

hey why don't you stop slut shaming women or men for having sex. Don't degrade someone for doing something they like.

By Jo_The_Marten | 0

#65647 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:08

At least you got $20 out of the deal, and hopefully no STDs.

By BigLord | 0

#65655 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:11

Some guys here are right, be careful now, you don't want to have got anything extra in you besides those $20, right?