Intimacy: Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with...

By Anonanon - 12/07/2011 17:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 691

You deserved it 13 743

Intimacy

Sorry…

Strange domestic arrangement

Very helpful, dude

By Anonymous - 03/06/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 910

You deserved it 11 385

By disappointed - 07/06/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, after spending thousands of dollars and several years pursuing a higher education so I could get a high paying job doing something that requires skill and brainpower, I finally got my first job offer after months of searching. I will be cleaning houses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 591

You deserved it 5 817

By anon - 31/05/2012 13:43 - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 446

You deserved it 4 436

The Breeders

By no spank - 11/08/2020 20:01

Today, my family once again mocked and insulted me for being the only one to not spank my kids. Apparently, they’ll grow up entitled and in prison if I don’t. Odd, seeing as my kids are 10 times better behaved than their kids, who get spanked on a regular. Ah well, here’s to hitting kids I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 264

I need it

By Anonymous - 07/07/2020 02:02

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 338

By mynameisarmpit - 15/11/2010 06:48

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 665

You deserved it 4 661

By cuckoo - 22/08/2015 03:59 - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 128

You deserved it 4 034

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 07:12 - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 921

You deserved it 3 386

By CA19oo - 27/05/2012 13:13 - United States - Grovetown

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 782

You deserved it 4 852

By orcatheseapanda - 09/01/2016 05:14 - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 104

You deserved it 1 399

By Anonymous - 20/01/2017 09:25

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 997

You deserved it 2 187

By cmondude - 18/09/2018 15:30

Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 500

You deserved it 322

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 017

You deserved it 2 406

By stubblebutt - 13/11/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 656

You deserved it 5 970

Kids are assholes

By ohnomommy - 03/03/2020 06:01

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 791

You deserved it 185

By ouch - 15/08/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 274

You deserved it 4 071

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 083

You deserved it 2 905

#ForeverAlone

By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 11:01 - United States - Marietta

Today, I woke up realizing that not even the scammer that I told I would pay for her friendship wanted to be my friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 838

You deserved it 253

By dumped - 14/12/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 317

You deserved it 3 180

Thin walls

By xtilltheendx - 05/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 1 268

By wow - 02/11/2014 15:23 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 030

You deserved it 5 213

By brigie - 01/05/2013 08:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of two and a half years left me. To clear my head I decided to go for a drive. My car broke down on the way. The only mechanic I have ever used and trusted with my car is my boyfriend. Yes, I had to call him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 458

You deserved it 8 123

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandmother. My grandfather recently died, so I had gotten her a cat for comfort. Turns out in her sadness, she had forgotten about the cat. I found its remains being eaten by ants and birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 405

By delicious - 06/01/2016 03:05 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 796

You deserved it 2 320

By bigbaby - 16/09/2016 07:06 - United States - Saint Michael

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because I couldn't find my blankie. I'll be 36 in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 761

You deserved it 3 212

By flavored - 18/11/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 120

You deserved it 19 377

By svet - 22/02/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 329

You deserved it 83 837

By Lil_bit - 04/01/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 716

You deserved it 44 349

By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. Today, I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of it, how to fake an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 480

You deserved it 6 308

By undoable - 08/09/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 9 721

Bite me

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 02:00

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 787

You deserved it 172

By lukas - 11/01/2014 00:24 - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 793

You deserved it 8 437

Tiler, the creator

By musicalxtheories - 09/05/2020 08:00

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 401

You deserved it 256

By Anonymous - 06/10/2014 23:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a massage. I guess I hit the spot, because he muttered, "Please marry me" into the pillow. Considering we've been going out for years and had spoken about marriage before, I stopped in my tracks. He stammered, "Oh, I mean... Not like that. Will you keep going?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 814

You deserved it 4 528

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 214

You deserved it 7 639

By thatsnice - 09/12/2014 21:19 - United States - Warwick

Today, I confessed to my roommate of 4 years that I'm in love with her. Her response? Sticking her tongue out at me and blowing a raspberry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 026

You deserved it 4 256

By noosher0990 - 18/02/2010 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 811

You deserved it 2 748

By Somekindofcaleb - 11/09/2017 01:30

Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 849

You deserved it 261

By imagrouch - 30/07/2013 14:25 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 304

You deserved it 5 126

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 10:13 - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 753

You deserved it 2 981

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments