Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down...

By aineroo - 5/11/2014 21:25 - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

Does it taste good?

Vultures

By violet - 29/11/2009 22:52 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed minding my own business when my mom entered the room. I was proposed to a few weeks ago by my boyfriend, and my mom came in to tell me that my boyfriend's mom was on the phone. Turns out, he stole the engagement ring from her drawer. FML

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By shit - 31/1/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

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By nothesisforme - 11/3/2015 14:01 - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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By w00tz - 27/3/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/7/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By PairOfSocks - 17/10/2016 20:55 - Finland - Tampere

Today, one of my friends bought a wedding dress for her upcoming wedding. My other friend intends to propose to her boyfriend and ordered rings. I too made a purchase: a pair of socks for myself. FML

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By doomed - 11/2/2015 00:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

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By HardTimes - 2/6/2019 20:00

Today, I came home from three months off the continent. My parents drove me home, and when we drove past our house, I assumed we were going for a welcome home supper. Instead, we drove to a dilapidated trailer and my parents said, "Welcome home." We used to live in a large, beautiful two-story house. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By my teeth! - 24/7/2020 14:07

Like riding a bike

Today, my sister and I were trying to teach our kids how to Double Dutch. While giving a demonstration of how to jump in while the ropes were turning, my feet got jumbled. I ended up faceplanting in front of all the kids, who screamed in horror at my bloodied face and missing tooth. FML

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By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2015 07:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

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By fmylife117 - 17/2/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if I'd notice. Thanks to him, I've been sending dirty texts to my boss. The worst part is my boss was responding back. FML

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By aur - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Today, I remember the first night I spent with my first English boyfriend. I'm French, and when we woke up, I said in my most sexy voice "Oh, I'm so dirty!" It's only when he left that I finally understood the look on his face; I wanted to have a glass of water. I was thirsty, not dirty. FML

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By charlieg9 - 30/8/2013 12:33 - United States - East Meadow

Today, I found out that I'm the creepy uncle of the family. FML

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By why - 12/10/2015 02:07 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

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By superdrinkingbud - 23/6/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

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By couturier - 2/1/2010 07:08 - France

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

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By birdguts - 31/1/2011 02:34 - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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By missingcharlie - 17/8/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

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By blah blah daddy - 2/10/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 12:00 - Australia

Family Ties

Today, I found out via Facebook that my older sister just had another baby, a whole week ago, whose name is my middle name. No one told me. I didn't even know she was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2012 19:39 - United States - Richland

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

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By mr_p - 1/11/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300 pound man walked out, shook his head, and said "I'm sorry" to me. FML

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By dine and DASH our friendship - 2/5/2017 00:11

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

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By IneedMaury - 16/6/2014 15:30 - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By MiniJeans - 30/4/2015 02:25 - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

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By Zippyzoo - 3/2/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, when my boyfriend was about to orgasm, I suddenly sneezed all over his face. FML

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By looking4newvenue - 23/2/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

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By fmcsl - 8/9/2019 00:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Customers from Hell

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

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By NeverCampingAgain - 15/2/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By BlueBaby123 - 25/7/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, my husband and I got a new stainless steel microwave. When we took it out of the package we noticed it was blue and got angry. We were about to return it, but we called in our 12 year old daughter to see what she thought of the microwave. She then took off the blue protective plastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 10:48 - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By mandybar15 - 14/12/2012 23:52 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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By funnyguyNOT - 5/4/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By Thanks everyone - 28/8/2013 22:35 - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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Top comments

By ddlovatolover | 23

#6110982 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:23

I'd take her drink since she doesn't seem to want it anymore...

By Meowdisen | 15

#6110991 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:27

If you think about it, that is a pretty awesome way to get her drink. Just push down the diet button, and she will no longer want it. So more for you.

COMMENTS

By ddlovatolover | 23

#6110982 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:23

I'd take her drink since she doesn't seem to want it anymore...

MeanBeagle | 22

#6111012 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:50

take the lid off and push jt back.

MeanBeagle | 22

#6111072 - Thursday 6 November 2014 12:40

it* ... its too early. where's the coffee button.

By modelos10 | 19

#6110983 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:23

well i hate diet too....

RMLrapemylife | 14

#6112493 - Friday 7 November 2014 14:05

you don't need no diet.. you're prefect the way you are ;)

By INeedAUserNamr | 13

#6110984 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:24

How did you manage to convice her? (other then the fact she may be a bit dumb)

MeanBeagle | 22

#6111089 - Thursday 6 November 2014 12:55

she was wearing an easy button

riptor911 | 10

#6111579 - Thursday 6 November 2014 21:23

A bit dumb?

ShadowOpsV4 | 13

#6111954 - Friday 7 November 2014 3:21

#21 you don't have to comment on every post and everyone's commemts

HairIsEverything | 15

#6112732 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:08

His comments are actually pretty funny and witty, #40. You just look like an ass

MeanBeagle | 22

#6112823 - Friday 7 November 2014 19:59

#40, maybe you can write an Fml about it

By abattior | 18

#6110986 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:25

She is unique isn't she lol.

By Meowdisen | 15

#6110991 - Thursday 6 November 2014 11:27

If you think about it, that is a pretty awesome way to get her drink. Just push down the diet button, and she will no longer want it. So more for you.