Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML
Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML
Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, I gave the back door a slight nudge to make sure it was latched shut. Of course, it flew wide open, causing me to smash my face into the doorframe, fall out onto the back porch writhing in pain, and have blood pissing out of my face. FML
Today, I was rushing with the dishes when I scraped against a very sharp knife, which left a noticeable cut right down my wrist. No one believes my story that it was a freak kitchen accident, they think that I’m either an attention seeking fucknut, or crying out for help. FML
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Top comments
ifailplzinsultme 0
Tell them that you were playing angry birds and one of them left the screen and attacked you
kitty_f 3
why not ?! just admit it
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Comments (169)
Elendil_fml 10
Here's what you say: You were banging a super hot girl. you were doing her like a Jack hammer. she grabbed your face right as she came and dug her nails in super deep. You'll be a legend!
Babalu722 3
Tell the ladies it was a shark bite... Works every time.
fmlfmlihatemysel 0
new saying dont let the pigeons bite
im_awsome 2
if I could I would give yu tumps up. :)
TalkinSmack 6
I'd tell them the truth... that's bloody hilarious!
StephC11 0
that's soo funny
that_one_guy14 0
badass story man I love it
Smallory426 0
say you got a biopsy! ive gotten 5 of those in the past year.
emiliewhlrs402 0
hey them pigeons are brutal!! lol
ThanksKarma 0
Say you were trying to help a blind guy cross the street and he mistook you for a creeper so he shanked you in the face. The things you do for being nice.