Science has gone too far

Today, I went in for a full hysterectomy due to medical issues. I came out being 6 weeks pregnant. FML

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

Congratulations. Or not.

Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML

Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML

The Little Sperm That Could

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

Super villain origin story

Today, I’m 9 months pregnant, and my due date is less than a week away. The dad? Some random guy whose name I don’t know who fucked me in a tent at Coachella while I was drunk of my ass. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

Tearaway

Today, I’m 9 months pregnant. I was in a grocery store when this little hellspawn came tearing ass down the aisle right at me. I instinctively turned to the side to protect my belly, while the brat crashed into my hip and fell backward. His cunt of a mother cussed me out for knocking down her “baby”. FML

Gagging for it

Today, it's the sixth anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML