Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML
Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML
Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML
Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML
Today, I picked up my online grocery order. The clerk asked about the party, because he assumed I was having one because of all the ice cream I'd ordered. I'm bulimic and everything was for me. FML
Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML
Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML
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Top comments
BubbleGrunge 18
Why lie OP? If I was that cashier I wouldn't judge you; I'd be jealous you are buying all that candy. Got anything sour??? Share the wealth!
dimerneckel 22
They know that that is what you are doing with all that candy... You aren't fooling anyone
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Comments (78)
jonathan12399 5
It was worth it!
flashback_fml 14
If it helps.... She didn't believe you
jrod9327 17
Never ever ever be embarrassed of candy habits. I bought monopoly and candy. the lady asked if I needed a gift receipt and I just firmly stated no, I will enjoy my present to myself. The end, I had the time of my life.
Cleu 12
You played Monopoly with yourself?
arandomusernameaa 20
You mean you can play monopoly with other people?? I always wondered why monopoly was so easy...
coppersmith 13
That's why it is called Monopoly. If it was meant to be played with others, they'd have called it Polypoly.
jrod9327 17
Haha this is great. To add detail, I moved not to long ago. Monopoly is one of my favorite games, but I didn't have one, so went and bought it for when family come over.
brandoneyez1 25
You don't have to justify yourself. Buy it, enjoy it and don't worry what anyone else thinks it says. By the way the cashier and staff really won't judge or care. They likely assume it's for a party or event.
8born8 18
Wow OP, I'm sure you didn't have to lie, even if you felt embarrassed by the quantity of candy you were purchasing. Pigging out on candy is one thing, but to devour every piece until there's not a speck left is too much. I hope you didn't get a stomach ache or feeling of remorse or sadness afterwards. If there is a reason behind gorging on candy, it needs to be addressed because doing this isn't healthy in any shape or form and I'm sure there's better things to spend your money on.
oh_your_god 15
This is the third dumbest thing I've read. I love candy... I don't care who knows. Why can't people just be honest?
ThePez828 18
Cashiers do not care what people buy or how much of it. We see it all every day and don't remember the customer 5 seconds later.
worldclassrager 41
Invite a few friends over to indulge with...
91hayek 31
This is a big leap but I'm guessing you're overweight? People who are sensitive about their weight are always worrying about judgement. What they eat. What they wear. Also women worry more too. Being a man all I have to do is put pants on and walk in a straight line then I'm good for the rest of the day and can buy all the candy I want. This Easter I will be thankful for that privilege OP.
lmfao_forreal 7
This isn't really FML worthy but okay.