Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body...

By Traveler - 09/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 012

You deserved it 1 625

Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Get out of there!

Two wheels not so good

By namenlos - 27/05/2012 21:53 - Australia

Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 107

You deserved it 6 135

By pam - 03/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 134

You deserved it 7 918

By Florida_1827 - 28/01/2011 10:54 - United States

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 792

You deserved it 4 509

By PPP - 14/11/2014 03:39 - United States - Elk Grove Village

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 330

You deserved it 2 786

By quadropheniac - 09/06/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128 270

You deserved it 8 076

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 18:12 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 081

You deserved it 1 640

Cash dispenser

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 20:08

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 851

You deserved it 171

By mutantprincess - 12/01/2016 10:48 - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 593

You deserved it 5 480

By Anonymous - 03/04/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 726

You deserved it 3 873

By ol faithful - 03/09/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 879

You deserved it 41 766

By Canadagirl - 24/08/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 193

You deserved it 300

My Bucket

By pyook - 06/09/2018 23:30

Today, my college class has a strict rule that ANY absence, even if it's because you're sick and have a doctor's note, will drop your grade a letter grade. I have a chronic illness. Today is the second time in the first two weeks that I've had to show up to class with a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 459

You deserved it 183

By dpap - 18/01/2013 23:03 - United States - Waukee

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 161

You deserved it 3 724

By Pumpkin - 18/07/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 161

You deserved it 102 815

By a-non - 02/02/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 984

You deserved it 8 188

Everyday racism

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 20:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 402

You deserved it 3 370

No justice

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 12:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after I spent two hours trying to teach my girlfriend to play sudoku, she broke up with me, tearfully claiming that I'd made up a fake, imaginary game to make her feel stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 679

You deserved it 3 661

By and not even in the good way - 30/03/2014 20:36 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to smack my daughter's head gently with a balloon. It hit her hair clip and exploded. She won't stop crying, and my wife will be home any minute. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 511

You deserved it 19 886

By Jess - 05/12/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 677

You deserved it 74 873

By hawaiiansokkrboi - 19/04/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 259

You deserved it 10 678

By Wow - 01/08/2015 19:06 - United States - Sanford

Today, I walked outside to see my dog killing my cat. My spouse tried to cheer me up - "Hey, at least we don't have to buy cat food anymore!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 833

You deserved it 3 304

By Barney - 18/06/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 9 131

By bballer4_life - 14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 834

You deserved it 877

Backwards

By bad sis - 23/09/2019 05:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my family got very upset with me when I advised my brother’s girlfriend to take the kids and leave. They’re more upset with me telling her that, than the fact that my brother is an abusive serial cheater and a raging alcoholic, who hits her and the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 699

You deserved it 128

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 562

You deserved it 11 028

By ShitHappens2016 - 16/04/2017 18:00

Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 801

You deserved it 314

Litter

By MrSlav - 12/11/2020 17:57 - Lithuania - Siauliai

Today, I rubbed my heel raw with a new shoe, so I put a bandaid on and went to the pool. A few minutes later, I noticed the bandaid floating close to me. I'm not an ass so I quickly fished it out and put in the pocket of my swimming trunks. Later, I went to shower and noticed that my bandaid was still on my heel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 150

By frenchpie - 17/05/2009 12:05 - Korea Republic of

Today, the guy I liked came over for dinner with some friends. One of them asked him if we were dating, he became so distraught he started to choke on the food I had made, in his haste to tell them that in no uncertain terms, were we together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 413

You deserved it 4 145

By Anonymous - 04/03/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 099

You deserved it 3 189

What hell, lady?

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 08:00

Today, my friend wasn't responding to my whispers in the library, so I walked over and very slightly moved his chair. At that exact moment, the librarian walked in. Regardless of our efforts to tell her anything, she got us banned from the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618

You deserved it 247

By mocass’1 - 13/10/2008 08:19 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 525

You deserved it 43 768

Gratitude

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 15:30 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of four years, whom I have stuck by through every hardship, including his ongoing battle with military PTSD, is cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 23/06/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 442

You deserved it 25 387

By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 135

You deserved it 2 886

By roofer - 31/07/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 456

You deserved it 2 595

By roidrager - 16/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 388

You deserved it 3 056

By Flandre - 23/12/2018 11:55

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 024

You deserved it 476

By Anonymous - 18/07/2012 08:57 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 659

You deserved it 9 403

Cyclist's drip

By buyouyou - 28/08/2021 12:01 - China - Beijing

Today, I cycled to the office in my new uniform pants. When I arrived an hour later, my sweat had already soaked through them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 786

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Top comments

courtneyburgessx 18

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:57

Seems like you must have a very dangerous weapon down there

johnjkl 22

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:57

I guess your dick was just to big to be taken on the plane

countryguy91290 16

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:55

Honestly how does that happen?

johnjkl 22

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:57

I guess your dick was just to big to be taken on the plane

aruden 25

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Friday 9 October 2015 13:31

"Sir no hard objects can be carried on the plane.."

coried91 28

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Friday 9 October 2015 14:54

While that caused a unfortunate delay, his ego was given a nice boost.

Swandive235 27

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Friday 9 October 2015 18:15

One eyed snakes on a plane

clemsi 20

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Saturday 10 October 2015 5:52

I'm tired of these motherfucking dicks on the motherfucking plane jokes!

countryb_cth 38

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Saturday 10 October 2015 10:33

Not to long ago there was a news story of two TSA agents getting males to go into the x-ray but they would put in the computer that they were female so the crotch would light up as an unknown object so that the TSA agent could pat down hot guys.

courtneyburgessx 18

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:57

Seems like you must have a very dangerous weapon down there

chrisbeaudoin 26

Friday 9 October 2015 15:05

Hey op, did they confiscate it?

Grimmerie 31

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Friday 9 October 2015 22:43

Funny story - I'm trans and I wear a soft silicone packer, to simulate having a package. I was getting on a plane to New York and I was stopped going through the scanner because apparently, silicone shows up the same way a bomb would on one of those scanners. I had to show my fake dick to security to prove my trouser snake was tame. Sometimes I wonder if that security guard ever thinks about the guy who reached in his pants, pulled out his dick and threw it on the counter.

leafsnacks 11

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Saturday 10 October 2015 0:15

Jesus christ.

Chocherz 12

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Saturday 10 October 2015 3:34

balls of steel?

MSCCG 16

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Sunday 11 October 2015 15:16

High five!

skyrim_fanatic 17

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Sunday 11 October 2015 22:05

@63: you are disgusting

addioty 19

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:57

That's... unfortunate. Maybe your crotch has super powers?

jtthegr8 26

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Friday 9 October 2015 20:14

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Super Dick!!!

sp00derman 23

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Friday 9 October 2015 12:58

hopefully it was a female security guard ;)

Dilwann 27

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Friday 9 October 2015 13:00

Pat downs legally have to be performed by same sex personnel. So, no, it was not a female security guard.

Solano2580 24

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Friday 9 October 2015 14:49

He could still get some enjoyment, it doesn't say his sexuality.

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Friday 9 October 2015 15:56

Hopefully OP is gay.

khorstmye 15

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Friday 9 October 2015 16:23

Unless you consent to the opposite sex patting you down.

oceaneyes213 21

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Friday 9 October 2015 23:40

It depends on how one presents actually. If you pass as a certain gender they will send out an agent of that gender.

gogo44444 28

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Friday 9 October 2015 13:05

Maybe he was attracted to you and was flirting

KatieJBabe 27

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Friday 9 October 2015 15:30

If that was the case, it wouldn't be flirting, it would be sexual assault.

Colon_Man 17

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Friday 9 October 2015 17:58

The TSA has been busted before. They'll flag someone who they think is cute just to get to "know" them. Agents are human, after all. And most are ex cons.