Intimacy: Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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Intimacy

Commando

The smell detective is on the case

Corporate ass

By Anonymouse - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By Olihime - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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By Well this Is Awkward - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Zzzzzzzzzz

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By boytoy - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, my two best friends decided to boycott Valentine's Day, ditching their boyfriends to hang out together. Not only am I single, but I wasn't invited. FML

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By damnit - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By BleakExpectations

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

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By STFU!

Caught the bug

Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

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By notnicefools - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

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By SwimminginSweat - United States

Today, during a slow dance, my date wrapped his arms around my waist. Right as I touched his neck he says, "Sorry, I'm slightly sweaty." He wasn't lying. For the longest two minutes of my life I was swimming in his sweat. FML

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By asshole - 29/4/2020 20:00

Fashion Police

Today, I called a company to see why the dress I’d ordered for my best friend hadn’t been delivered. After doing some digging and ruining the surprise, it turns out it had been. Her boyfriend opened the package, deemed the dress "too slutty" and threw it out. He refuses to pay me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my best friend went in for her scheduled mammogram, and I sent her a text saying, "How're your boobies?" It was only after I sent it that I realized I'd sent it to my history professor. FML

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By ambushcat - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

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By missinformed

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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By spiderbaby - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

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By and the truth comes out - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

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By sadwife - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Congleton

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

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By UkuleleTime - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

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By whatdidido - United States - Conover

Today, I was messaging a girl on a dating app. Things were going well so I thought I'd ask her to meet. She had listed hiking as an interest 3 times on her profile so I suggested we meet at a state park. She told me she doesn't hike on a first meet and blocked me. FML

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By sleepysophie - United States - Helena

Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tustin

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By trippy

Today, my mom tripped over a curb and cried, because she “tripped and not even drunk.” I thought it was normal to trip over my own two feet several times a day. FML

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By yuuupyup - United States - Somerset

Today, while driving home, I realized I forgot my house key. Luckily, when I arrived home, someone had already broken into my house. Guess I didn't need the key. FML

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By crazyt446 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML

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By MeaganElizabethM - United States - Steubenville

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:04

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

Today, my friend is acting like a martyr over not wanting to get a job and guilt tripping me for having one. I mean, I hate my job but I also like my ability to pay bills, unlike some apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

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Top comments

By _insertnamehere_ | 0

#249146 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:55

well, they had to make it sure it wouldn't go off at any time...

By josface | 0

#249150 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

Poor kids.

COMMENTS

By _insertnamehere_ | 0

#249146 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:55

well, they had to make it sure it wouldn't go off at any time...

billyhirvine09 | 0

#973982 - Sunday 4 April 2010 15:50

#1 pretty much wins at life

soccrplease | 1

#2360156 - Sunday 17 April 2011 1:20

agreed

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691034 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:37

TSA horse shit... ITS A PENIS YOU DUMB FUCK!! ITS ONLY GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU KEEP RUBBING IT!!!

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5335655 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 2:20

Atleast u have a big D

By fmlAllStar7274 | 0

#249149 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

#1 ftw!!!!!!

breenarae25 | 0

#1429020 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:42

WTF ur 2, can u count??

changesinme | 0

#1683561 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:47

He was typing it when someone else got to press the comment button faster.
I guess you didn't even bother to think before commenting.

KatieKhaos | 0

#1901866 - Wednesday 29 December 2010 0:18

No, he just said that #1 was awesome, not that he was first, otherwise it would be something like " ZOMG i r first!!!1!!!one!!"

By josface | 0

#249150 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

Poor kids.

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#249153 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

haha that sucks
wait... what was turning you on at the AIRPORT!?!?!?

I'madumbass | 19

#7568017 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:59

I would like to know this too.
Follow up, anyone?

By catacombhome | 0

#249162 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:57

At least your erection got some attention. Some people would kill for a monster like yours.... Shame on you for getting upset.

By hpodity | 0

#249169 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

He probably thought it was a dangerous cucumber wrapped in tinfoil

By nessa69_fml | 0

#249171 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

wow.

By beaverdogmouse | 0

#249173 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

HAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE YOU

By mohomonopoly | 0

#249174 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

hahahahahaha :D
oh those male penises :)

I'madumbass | 19

#7568018 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:00

Male penises? You saying females are supposed to have them too?

By Go_for_it | 0

#249183 - Monday 1 June 2009 1:00

#9, as opposed to what other kind of penises?