Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out...

By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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Intimacy

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Higher standards

By Embarressed... - 4/8/2010 10:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

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By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

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By karmas a kunt - 22/9/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, I was at work, when an elderly lady casually mentioned it was her birthday. I motioned two of my coworkers over, and we sang a little happy birthday to her over the phone. Our boss stormed in mid-song and suspended all three of us on the spot for "unprofessional behavior." FML

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By sadsenior - 13/3/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 17:22 - Canada

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - 25/11/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By trolls have hit the gutters - 17/2/2015 18:23 - United Kingdom - Durham

Today, a homeless guy told me I looked like shit and to have some self-respect. Right. FML

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By Nasu Johi - 6/9/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By suze44 - 13/6/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

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By storyofmylife - 10/6/2015 02:44 - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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By fckdorms - 9/5/2016 14:04 - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

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By ordinaryday - 22/5/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By RollieCollieUSA - 30/1/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

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By ThisIsWhyIStayAtHome - 24/5/2014 00:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML

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By Danno - 1/1/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML

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By sarahmoon - 5/5/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

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By whysheheartless - 3/11/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

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By TheThirdWheel - 4/6/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

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By A - 23/5/2015 03:25 - United States - Warner Robins

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

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By hannamacintosh - 28/6/2016 17:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I knew my relationship was basically over when my boyfriend invited me over, and I was more excited about seeing his dog than seeing him. FML

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By tj85 - 17/2/2010 19:49 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - 20/5/2014 20:08 - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By Tree - 30/7/2010 11:34 - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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By druglord - 28/6/2020 14:10

Humorless parents are the worst

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

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By Anon - 9/10/2013 05:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

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By fuckyou - 21/5/2019 06:00

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 16:12 - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

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By socknotes - 9/3/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

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By pukathlon - 10/12/2010 17:21 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus back to my university campus, having left work early feeling sick. While on the bus I started retching. I managed to hold it in for a while, but as I stood up to get off the bus, I started puking through my mouth and nose. This was in front of twenty other passengers. FML

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By omgstuupidd - 17/2/2013 14:27 - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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By Jack.mercado - 19/3/2016 16:58 - United States

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

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By slipperyhands - 15/8/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was alone in the car with my grandma for five hours while she told me all about the multiple bladder infections she's had in the past year. FML

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By dm206 - 10/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I decided that I was going to get my front license plate put back on my car after two years of having it off. In these two years I somehow never got pulled over for it, as it is illegal to drive without one in MD. On my way there, I got pulled over for not having a front license plate. FML

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By Spike - 29/3/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

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By ash - 13/6/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

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Top comments

By _insertnamehere_ | 0

#249146 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:55

well, they had to make it sure it wouldn't go off at any time...

By josface | 0

#249150 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

Poor kids.

COMMENTS

By _insertnamehere_ | 0

#249146 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:55

well, they had to make it sure it wouldn't go off at any time...

billyhirvine09 | 0

#973982 - Sunday 4 April 2010 15:50

#1 pretty much wins at life

soccrplease | 1

#2360156 - Sunday 17 April 2011 1:20

agreed

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691034 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:37

TSA horse shit... ITS A PENIS YOU DUMB FUCK!! ITS ONLY GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU KEEP RUBBING IT!!!

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5335655 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 2:20

Atleast u have a big D

By fmlAllStar7274 | 0

#249149 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

#1 ftw!!!!!!

breenarae25 | 0

#1429020 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:42

WTF ur 2, can u count??

changesinme | 0

#1683561 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:47

He was typing it when someone else got to press the comment button faster.
I guess you didn't even bother to think before commenting.

KatieKhaos | 0

#1901866 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 0:18

No, he just said that #1 was awesome, not that he was first, otherwise it would be something like " ZOMG i r first!!!1!!!one!!"

By josface | 0

#249150 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

Poor kids.

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#249153 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

haha that sucks
wait... what was turning you on at the AIRPORT!?!?!?

I'madumbass | 19

#7568017 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:59

I would like to know this too.
Follow up, anyone?

By catacombhome | 0

#249162 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:57

At least your erection got some attention. Some people would kill for a monster like yours.... Shame on you for getting upset.

By hpodity | 0

#249169 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

He probably thought it was a dangerous cucumber wrapped in tinfoil

By nessa69_fml | 0

#249171 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

wow.

By beaverdogmouse | 0

#249173 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

HAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE YOU

By mohomonopoly | 0

#249174 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

hahahahahaha :D
oh those male penises :)

I'madumbass | 19

#7568018 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:00

Male penises? You saying females are supposed to have them too?

By Go_for_it | 0

#249183 - Monday 1 June 2009 1:00

#9, as opposed to what other kind of penises?