Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Coherence dude, do you have it?

You snooze, you lose

By Trollface - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

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By Bigbaby - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By acapelladisaster - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

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By teach - United States

Today, my teacher turned around from the blackboard and screamed, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow!" That wasn't so bad.--The bad part was when she realized it was me, she apologized saying, " I am sorry. You are not really a cow. I don't want to traumatize you; you're just overweight." FML

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By CrimsonAmaryllis - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

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By sucks - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

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By estephi - France

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the only reason he's with me is because I'm a good tattoo artist and he's too broke to pay for his own tattoos. We've been together for two years. FML

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By litup - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

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By notonasoccertam - 6/9/2020 10:09 - United States

Harsh

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

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By SweetFA - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

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42017

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

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By mafiaguy800

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

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By D-Man - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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27178

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By Stressed Seamstress - United States - Charlotte

Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML

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By thanksforthat - United States

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

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By Helseac

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

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2620

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By gmanbuilder - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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By prayforme - United States

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

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By seriouslybored - United States

Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML

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By melonhead - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By MySistersDogisStupid

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parkesburg

For real though?

Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML

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By Spanishredhead - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

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By Uh-oh - Australia

Today, I decided to come clean with my daughter about her adoptive status within my family. Just after I told her she was adopted, I realized that I have been telling her stories about me giving birth to her. FML

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By Starchyld - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

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By AFSDALK:AFSDQWE - United States - Hillsboro

Germaphobe

Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML

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By Dweeb

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 14:02

Boredom

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

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By lameows - United States

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

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By John-John - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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By Hugh_Jankles - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By martyn28 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

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By ray - Canada

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two year old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

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By Carnage23 - Germany - Herborn

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By HHIChica - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

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Top comments

By _insertnamehere_ | 0

#249146 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:55

well, they had to make it sure it wouldn't go off at any time...

By josface | 0

#249150 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

Poor kids.

COMMENTS

By _insertnamehere_ | 0

#249146 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:55

well, they had to make it sure it wouldn't go off at any time...

billyhirvine09 | 0

#973982 - Sunday 4 April 2010 15:50

#1 pretty much wins at life

soccrplease | 1

#2360156 - Sunday 17 April 2011 1:20

agreed

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691034 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:37

TSA horse shit... ITS A PENIS YOU DUMB FUCK!! ITS ONLY GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU KEEP RUBBING IT!!!

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5335655 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 2:20

Atleast u have a big D

By fmlAllStar7274 | 0

#249149 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

#1 ftw!!!!!!

breenarae25 | 0

#1429020 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:42

WTF ur 2, can u count??

changesinme | 0

#1683561 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:47

He was typing it when someone else got to press the comment button faster.
I guess you didn't even bother to think before commenting.

KatieKhaos | 0

#1901866 - Wednesday 29 December 2011 0:18

No, he just said that #1 was awesome, not that he was first, otherwise it would be something like " ZOMG i r first!!!1!!!one!!"

By josface | 0

#249150 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

Poor kids.

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#249153 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:56

haha that sucks
wait... what was turning you on at the AIRPORT!?!?!?

I'madumbass | 19

#7568017 - Saturday 25 November 2017 6:59

I would like to know this too.
Follow up, anyone?

By catacombhome | 0

#249162 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:57

At least your erection got some attention. Some people would kill for a monster like yours.... Shame on you for getting upset.

By hpodity | 0

#249169 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

He probably thought it was a dangerous cucumber wrapped in tinfoil

By nessa69_fml | 0

#249171 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

wow.

By beaverdogmouse | 0

#249173 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

HAHAHAHAHAH I LOVE YOU

By mohomonopoly | 0

#249174 - Monday 1 June 2009 0:58

hahahahahaha :D
oh those male penises :)

I'madumbass | 19

#7568018 - Saturday 25 November 2017 7:00

Male penises? You saying females are supposed to have them too?

By Go_for_it | 0

#249183 - Monday 1 June 2009 1:00

#9, as opposed to what other kind of penises?