Animals: Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of... - FML

By corasmom - 27/07/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 825

You deserved it 10 514

Stop talking!

Mother of the year

Drunk

Celebrity lookalike

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 545

You deserved it 2 583

By Wowsers. - 30/01/2010 08:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 769

You deserved it 35 935

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 834

You deserved it 2 939

By petty petty petty - 08/09/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 392

You deserved it 248

Fussy eater

By germaphobe - 19/08/2021 20:59 - United States

Today, my kids and I went to have dinner with a coworker. After everyone ate, the kids went to play while I helped clear the dishes. To my horror, instead of individually wrapping the kids leftovers, she scraped all the uneaten food back into the main pots. I wanted to puke on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 115

By superdrinkingbud - 23/06/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 957

You deserved it 580

By peachesthepigeon - 19/01/2011 18:54 - United States

Today, at work, I helped out an employee who was having trouble. I even bought her a bottle of water. After the production manager decided to fire her on the spot, she went out in the parking lot and broke into several cars, including mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 068

You deserved it 2 660

Smoothie with a kick

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 02:01 - Germany

Today, I made myself a smoothie with fruits and wild greens, which tasted much better than it looked, so I licked the splashes off the blender’s lid. Including a stray leaf that didn’t get blended. Which turned out to be stinging nettle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 769

By frog - 06/11/2008 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 284

You deserved it 4 522

By Nuts - 07/11/2015 02:55 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 592

You deserved it 3 126

By dracer - 04/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years who I helped through drug rehab and find employment in my office left me for someone else. His explanation was that now that his "head is not clouded with chemicals" and he "makes decent money", he wants to settle down with someone worthy of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 849

You deserved it 3 950

Paper trail

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 05:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my family got mad at me for installing toilet paper going under instead of over. Considering I'm the only one who fills the empty spool, I thought that it wouldn't matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 353

By HiddlePuff - 14/05/2015 12:42 - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 144

You deserved it 8 098

By ceilingssuck - 17/02/2010 20:18 - New Zealand

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 773

You deserved it 4 892

By Lisa - 28/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 510

You deserved it 282

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 10:59 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 767

You deserved it 2 867

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 090

You deserved it 30 776

By PlayTag - 05/02/2009 00:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 721

You deserved it 18 660

By me - 06/09/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, I met some of my boyfriend's family for the first time. His aunt said I was really cute, which made me happy. As we were leaving I said "Your aunt thought I was cute." His reply..."Yeah, well, my aunt's on drugs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 539

You deserved it 4 296

By Anonymous - 11/02/2014 16:09 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 828

You deserved it 8 777

By Moose - 02/08/2016 11:18 - Poland

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 667

You deserved it 1 218

By grann - 15/03/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 849

You deserved it 26 239

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 22:29 - Canada

Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 981

You deserved it 49 401

By Anonymous - 20/06/2014 23:53 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 862

You deserved it 5 834

By Noname - 15/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 279

You deserved it 5 609

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

By Anonymous - 05/06/2020 17:00

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 459

You deserved it 259

By Hannah - 17/06/2011 21:24 - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 179

You deserved it 33 600

Birth certificate

By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 372

You deserved it 40 477

By theydidsmellitthough - 08/02/2013 21:59 - Israel - Netanya

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 140

You deserved it 9 352

By Anonymous - 10/06/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 069

You deserved it 259

By anne - 30/07/2010 23:23 - Canada

Today, my 20 year-old son decided it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 364

You deserved it 4 105

By Chris - 23/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 199

You deserved it 2 230

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 667

You deserved it 45 944

By susiedoggles - 05/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 942

You deserved it 292

By FreeToFly3733 - 19/08/2010 11:25 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 016

You deserved it 29 263

By Anonymous - 29/12/2018 12:00

Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 557

You deserved it 304

By Zyopy - 18/12/2015 08:33 - Australia - Hampton

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 937

You deserved it 7 136

Can't get no…

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 09:05 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Spicy

Today, my seventy-year-old male live-in landlord asked if I'd heard a low humming noise the last few nights, around midnight, as someone had mentioned it. I feigned ignorance, whilst silently lamenting the decline of my self-pleasure opportunities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 245

You deserved it 240

By esv - 01/04/2009 09:18 - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 555

You deserved it 79 982

Seventh heaven

By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 775

You deserved it 433

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Top comments

DianaFromHolland 3

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Thursday 28 July 2011 0:06

Ffffuuuu what have u done? ;o

werx 6

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Thursday 28 July 2011 2:29

Why weren't they in their cage?

Comments

DianaFromHolland 3

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Thursday 28 July 2011 0:06

Ffffuuuu what have u done? ;o

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:26

DAYM musta been like one of those shark navigators to handle one of those animals

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Thursday 28 July 2011 13:12

Gerbils? Plural? FYL. Must say, sounds a bit suss tho, you would have thought you'd stop at one.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 13:15

Gerbils? Plural? FYL. Must say, sounds a bit suss tho, you would have thought you'd stop at one.

shelbygordon44 7

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Thursday 28 July 2011 13:28

NO FEAR!

AnonymousTroll 2

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Thursday 28 July 2011 15:08

Posts? Plural? FYL. Sounds a bit suss though, you would have thought you'd stop at one.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Thursday 28 July 2011 15:47

Kamikaze gerbils!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 15:50

animal killer :(

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Thursday 28 July 2011 16:10

they are easily mistaken as hair balls...so ur not to blame OP lol

pharmbrooke35 0

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Thursday 28 July 2011 16:54

were they deaf?!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 16:57

If I remember correctly if they get to scared they are frozen in fear so I don't believe they are deaf

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Thursday 28 July 2011 17:32

ok this made laugh! SHOOMP! one on a wild ride! SHOOMP! that's two! the could be ok depending on the style vacuum...

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Thursday 28 July 2011 18:30

They should be.

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Friday 29 July 2011 4:05

i own gerbils...

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Friday 29 July 2011 5:50

i own a vacuum

bitchslapped22 14

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Saturday 30 July 2011 1:00

I own a daughter

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Monday 3 October 2011 4:20

Own?

Jared900DUmpling 30

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Friday 5 August 2016 9:17

I own a microwave

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Thursday 28 July 2011 0:11

Fuck the gerbils lives :(

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Thursday 28 July 2011 15:43

He already did.

gottaluvisabella 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 6:13

win^^

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Friday 29 July 2011 17:49

today I fucked my owners vacuum up. gerbal style and most def like a boss

22cute 17

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Tuesday 19 June 2012 9:35

Our gerbils used to break loose and run around the house. I caught them playing inside the clear vacuum container. It was like the perfect habitrail with all the tubes, chambers, and pathways.

FaberDriveLuv 5

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Thursday 28 July 2011 1:01

Uh oh.

instnt1nfction 17

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Thursday 28 July 2011 20:14

hotdog!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 2:14

My Samoyed always attacks our Roombas =|. Haha.

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Monday 4 June 2012 19:16

The difference being that the rodents were sucked up by the vacuum cleaner whereas the dog walked away perfectly fine...

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Thursday 28 July 2011 2:30

THAT SUCKS

hottiebrunette 0

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Thursday 28 July 2011 22:12

I KNOW RIGHT? all caps rage.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 3:12

Buy some new ones before your daughter realizes. I think they're like $5-$20 each

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Thursday 28 July 2011 12:17

rodents tend to have big personalitys and take a few weeks to get used to their owner, the kid would have to be very young not to notice :| unless they were newly bought and had common fur patterns

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Friday 29 July 2011 3:58

jerk!!! u cant honestly be saying you sucked up your kids gerbils n replaced them n also be saying you've done it more than once. what the fuuuuuuuuukkkk is wrong with you?

pineapplecrispii 0

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Friday 29 July 2011 10:28

isn't it convient that his pic is a shovel?

werx 6

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Thursday 28 July 2011 2:29

Why weren't they in their cage?

22cute 17

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Thursday 28 July 2011 17:26

gerbils are always escaping their cages. They really are clever little nuggets.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 19:32

choice o' word being nuggets.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 2:55

tell her you thought they were dust bunnies under her bed. works every time :)

BeautifulDemonKP 4

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Thursday 28 July 2011 5:33

omg did you vaccum the gerbils are they ok? F those little gerbils lives....

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Thursday 28 July 2011 4:28

Now they can interact with the dust bunnies inside the vacuum. They will be the cutest playmates.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 70