Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I realized my cat has a very serious case of RBF. Let me tell you, there's nothing more unnerving than turning your head and seeing a small tuxedo cat staring daggers at you for absolutely no reason. FML
Today, I meowed at my cat and he got really close to me. I then meowed again and he punched me in the face. Them's fightin' words, it seems. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML
Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML
Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML
Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML
Today, I found out two things about my new cat: One, he is afraid of thunder. Two, his reaction to hearing a loud thunderclap is to jump very high in the air with his claws extended, then run like hell. I discovered this when he jumped and landed right on my face. My face now looks like I smashed it into a window. FML
Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. to my cat biting my face. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’m pretty sure if I die in my sleep, she’ll eat me. FML
Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML
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Top comments
Tequilamockngbrd 7
Mmm, nothing like a good old-fashioned face-mauling' FML! Cats can be vicious. Don't make them feel intimidated; they'll attack. I'm sure you already know this though. F your life... and your face. Definitely your face.
arielhoee 9
It means the same thing when a guy's dick suddenly gets really big.
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Comments (158)
Laxloverr24 0
ouch. did your face get scratched up? and why were you staring face-to-face with your cat? that's a tad bit odd...
batosai33 0
lol fyl. 2 reasons eyes get big. 1: dark to let in more light 2: want to see something in more detail. this applies to all animals including humans. 2 reasons you want to see something in more detail 1: it is something that you like 2: combat situation to see what your opponent is doing better. idk if anyone has checked but i bet soldiers pupils are huge during a firefight.
cerebellum_fml 0
Don't try that trick like men who stare at goats on the cat it knows better
neuroticallyours 0
LOL, Yep in my experience that's generally what happens. at least you'll know next time.
vaykay_fml 0
14 is making sh*t up in cats dilating pupils is the effect of adrenaline - ie FIGHT OR FLIGHT mode - and since cats are predators, it's more likely fight than flight (or dark, that part was correct) plus, staring is how cats decide hierarchy. so if your stare isnt as good as his, you lose and he gets to maul you. people should learn this stuff before getting cats.
Shereen15 0
Lol your first line...i was thinking the same exact thing
R3nesmee 0
My cat does that. Often. I used to stare at him from over the couch and then his eyes got wide and dilated and he would pounce. Luckily, I have good reflexes. Guess you don't.
saviisneat 0
Doesn't everyone know that you can't look directly into a cats eyes? They are allowed to kill you when you look at them! It's common sense. Cats eat faces.
omghehehe 0
LOL That's funny :D Cats eating faces. hahaha I had 2 cats and looked directly into their eyes. I believe I'm still alive and my face is intact :D
nikdarich 0
awww haha i'm sorry but thats so funny! my cat does the same thing, but instead of mauling me, she just bonks heads with me :P its cute
zen_fml 0
haha cute my cat does exactly the same thing. i get the head butts :)
iTunesAddict 0
Haha My cat does the same thing. He does it on command every time you say "Kiss" too. At some point, I had him trained (or he had me trained... you can never tell with cats) to bonk his head on my fist every time I said "pound it". It was adorable.
mrose57 0
Duh. Nobody ever told you not to stare at an animal? They view it as aggression. Everybody knows this. YDI
myfriend_youfail 3
Haha my kitty does that all the time. You learn pretty quickly that you shouldn't get into a staring contest with an animal. Making eye contact and holding it is seen as a challenge to the other's alpha status, and the loser of the stare-down usually gets bitten or clawed, because in the wild, a beating puts the challenger back in his or her place in the pack/pride/group. You bring it food, you groom it, you clean up its waste, you lower yourself to its height to greet it...that makes your animal the alpha and you its bitch.
myfriend_youfail 3
If you want to make FRIENDS with your cat, meet its gaze briefly and then blink slowly as you look away. This indicates trust and relaxation. It'll get you a much better reaction than a staring contest will.
Koalafrau_fml 0
The hierarchy you're talking about is true for dogs, wolves and many other species, but there is no such hierarchy among cats (there can be some at some point, but they are much more flexible and it is more a question of territory than pure domination). There is no domination involved in the relationship between a cat and its master, as opposed to a dog.
Jernau_Gurgeh 0
I second this. Blink when you have eye-contact with your cats, and talk to them in a friendly voice, and generally be relaxed around your cats, and they'll be your friends, instead of trying to amputate your face.
shockedface 0
hierarchy is true for cats when they live in groups (which they rarely do, unless they grew up together in a household and their owner suddenly dies because one of them decides to maul his/her face and they all had to live in the wild)