Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I thought I was waving at my neighbor, who was also waving enthusiastically back. After smiling and gesturing, I realized she was actually cleaning her windows. I was flirting with Windex. FML
Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out of her second story bedroom window, taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned, "My baby's first kiss!" FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML
Today, I was home alone, so for fun I put red lipstick on. A few minutes later, my doorbell rang. I managed to get it off before I got the door. I saw my neighbor, and had a long conversation with him. After which, I came inside and realized I had lipstick all over my teeth. FML
Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Today, I have my bedroom window covered in tinfoil, since there is an insanely bright streetlight right outside my window and nothing else works to block it so when I brought a girl back to my place and she opened the blinds, she saw the tinfoil and stared in horror. I tried to explain but she just stared and stared. FML
Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML
Today, I did the "suck your finger" trick in the car to prevent my lipstick from getting on my teeth and halfway locked eyes with a random dude outside. FML
Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML
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Top comments
staymonkey 1
thats pretty pathetic.
rexmaxus 0
some people just need to be punched in the face. you are among them.
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Comments (458)
lold 0
kiss frozen dog shit
quantumglow 0
Ahhh, pastry faced creeper lover.. I pity you not.
Thhe 0
bahahaha window licker
dancerjrm9 0
Okay first of all, this is absolutely pathetic. You can love Edward Cullen all you want, but are you seriously going to pretend to kiss a fictional character, with a window?!?! And second of all, everybody that is hating on Twilight obviously has not read the books. Its not all about the movies, the book are a lot better than the movies and people seem to forget that the books every existed. Give them a chance before you go and say that Twilight is crap, because it really isn't. Obviously people like this girl take it to a whole new extreme, but not everyone does.
Apocalyptus 0
Umm the books are fairly crap. Sure they're enjoyable, but badly written with hardly any likeable characters.
Rainyy 0
I have read the books and watched the movies and the books are WORSE than the movies. There are plot holes, grammatical errors and descriptions on Edwards beauty every ******* single page.
DarthRant 0
I'm not sure there's anything I could write that would demean you more than your own post. Loser.
overmage 0
So, I think you should drink that Windex. Yup, that whole bottle. If you're a kid, you'll grow up and have a good and fulfilling life putting that poorly written garbage (it's poorly written, hard to believe as that seems) behind you. But I suspect you're one of the screaming hordes of forty-year old never-been-kissed fat ugly bitches.
supergamer94 0
Virgin?
DrunkDave89 0
God, I miss when Harry Potter was the craze with the teenage girls..... oh wait, no I don't. At least we've progressed past the point of fans running around in capes with horribly affected British accents. Also, Windex is not *that* toxic, since the main ingredient (after water) is isopropyl alcohol. To be sure you should put some Clorox on your wish list and drink that as well. I have always believed in being thorough. -Double D
i_hate_radiators 0
would everyone like to stop slatin twilight? im pretty sure, bein one myself, that teenage girls dont read books because they have 'indirect speech' or 'dont say said after people talk each time'. id actually like to see you come up with a plot that good. no? didn't think so. i hope you enjoyed my little rant :)
murphy22 6
and once again.... we will be remembered as the generation of the sparkly vampires and shirtless wearwolves... this obsession has gone too far... really its a story. it may have been cool and well written but its rather annoying hearing stuff. its okay though, we've all had crushes, we're not 13 forever.