Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work... - FML

By dantheman - 24/7/2009 14:56 - United States

Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work for. Two weeks ago my fiancé dumped me and I moved out of the house. Almost all of the furniture was mine and it took forever. The new moving assignment I have is moving her new boyfriend into my old house. FML

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Night terrors

This ain't working out

Trust

By willkftw - 21/9/2018 15:30

Today, I backed a van into another car at work, damaging the tailgate in the process. I work at a panel beater. The van I was driving had just had a brand new tailgate put on. FML

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By AdoKitty - 11/6/2015 03:04 - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

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By viviham - 4/5/2012 12:08 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 05:00

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

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By Optimist - 4/8/2009 08:26 - Canada

Today, I found out I have an option on my phone to postpone the sending of my text messages. I thought it would be cute to send my boyfriend texts saying, " I love you and sweet dreams" every night at midnight for a month. He broke up with me and I can't figure out how to stop the texts. FML

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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By stainseverywhere - 1/2/2012 07:11 - United States

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 14:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By xXWhiteSheepXx - 8/4/2016 02:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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By tommyboy783 - 20/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

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By StupidCar - 7/2/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

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By mylifesucks - 10/7/2013 20:10 - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

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By f-ugly - 25/3/2013 18:36 - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By littlekellilee - 16/9/2016 04:27 - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

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By Mb13 - 21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By friendless1004 - 12/11/2015 16:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 11:49 - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

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By anon - 2/1/2016 15:57 - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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By komp6390 - 28/2/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

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By notanerd - 9/3/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I have to spend over an hour at a Gamestop so my boyfriend can get his 'Final Fantasy' game at midnight. I'm tired, I don't want to stand around any more, and all the people around around me are debating super heroes. I'm living in an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory.' FML

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By Grad2010 - 18/11/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F. 2010. FML

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By heartbroken - 30/3/2011 00:15 - United States

Today, I managed to convince the girl of my dreams to stop being so shy, and put herself out there to get her crush to make a move. It worked. And yet as it turns out, I'm not her crush after all. FML

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By sorenips - 3/10/2011 23:19 - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

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By insignificant - 29/10/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

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By shushingmoon - 18/9/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I was in class, playing online poker and keeping up my winning record. I eventually got seated against a guy who beat me at every hand. I heard laughing behind me after I lost all my winnings. The guy behind me had just made an account, looked over my shoulder, and won all my money. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 15:54 - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

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By alliobamy - 28/9/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By dating a fking cnt - 10/11/2012 00:16 - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some idiot tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Amanda - 2/7/2011 05:33 - United States

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

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By ChloeisaDoll - 21/7/2019 06:01

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

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By adopteddd - 28/6/2011 14:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By "Naomi Lacelle" - 3/4/2017 02:00

Today, I had to remove a splinter from one of my roommates. This would have been better if the splinter wasn't deeply lodged in their asscheek. FML

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By powsser - 11/3/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, my roommate got mad at me for putting away the tampons that were sitting on her desk. She rebelled by hanging hundreds of tampons dyed red from every surface in our dorm room. I discovered this while giving my mom her first tour of the place. FML

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By latino14 - 15/6/2012 11:27 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

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By jlw1998 - 25/4/2016 04:36 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

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By SomeDJ - 12/8/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

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By catlady - 1/3/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

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Top comments

By Seti_fml | 0

#426216 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:25

couldn't you turn down the job and just explain the situation to your boss?

By cutebebe778 | 0

#426251 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:32

Ps- I accidentally spelled 'fiancée' wrong. Grammar Nazis be gone.

COMMENTS

By MK1029 | 0

#426131 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:09

.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#426176 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:17

# 1, you're an idiot.

Reply

MK1029 | 0

#426749 - Saturday 25 July 2009 2:47

Is that so?
# 4, you're an idiot.
OH SNAPZ UZ AN IDIOT NOW TOO JAJAJAJJAROFL

Reply

Westy543 | 0

#429942 - Sunday 26 July 2009 10:06

No, #4 "." was my initial reaction too, along with "what." It's an actual response, in case you didn't know, usually as a pause due to being displeased.

By youreanidiot | 0

#426137 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:10

Well, at least you don't have very much work to do!

Actually I misread, the new person could have a lot of stuff to move in

Either way, get on with your life

Reply

Emberlin | 0

#430295 - Sunday 26 July 2009 15:05

I agree with moving on, but who moves in together after dating for 2 weeks? She must have been cheating on you, dude

By DemonicAngel151 | 0

#426171 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:16

Oh, that sucks cow nipples! FYL

Reply

skellingtonfart | 18

#5241176 - Wednesday 12 December 2012 18:32

Correction, cow's milk (and any other animal that isn't a human) is bad for us...

Reply

Brzztffn | 5

#5804474 - Wednesday 25 December 2013 9:04

Then please explain calcium. Maybe un-organic milk is bad for you... But I'm pretty sure milk is good for you

By DJFender | 0

#426177 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:18

ouch, I'm sorry man.

By ChrisWasHere | 0

#426187 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#426533 - Saturday 25 July 2009 1:06

what?...you lost me somewhere around 'stick'

Reply

LebChickOnFira | 0

#427748 - Saturday 25 July 2009 16:25

Well exactly that means hes gonna have a lot to move in retard

By Da_Gov | 0

#426191 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:19

dude if the furniture is yours than take it back, you bought it so it's rightfully yours

Reply

mcsnelly | 5

#426311 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:48

It's not HIS furniture, it's the NEW BOYFRIEND'S furniture. The OP had already moved his out. Reading comprehension anyone?

By M13LO | 0

#426199 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:21

I agree with #1 . you should also "misplace" some items

By Seti_fml | 0

#426216 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:25

couldn't you turn down the job and just explain the situation to your boss?

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#426255 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:34

If you would actually turn down the job just because of your ex girl.. then you're a fucking pussy.

Reply

suchacreep | 0

#427247 - Saturday 25 July 2009 7:59

Considering how much of a bitch the ex-girlfriend is and how the break up went, I would possibly decline. I wouldn't put it past some girls to invent some furniture damages, theft, insults or threats, then call their ex's boss to try to get them out of a job.

By zerkabaius | 0

#426220 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:25

put everything in upside down.

By pittsports87 | 0

#426223 - Friday 24 July 2009 23:26

HAHA (In Nelson from Simpson's voice)