Animals: Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

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Sorry…

Break time

Some winners…

By Trainspotting - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

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By StuckInCollegeLimbo - United States - Riverside

Today, after going through months of registration and orientation to transfer to a university, I was told that my application was denied because I didn't meet the minimum credit requirement. You couldn't tell me this before? FML

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By thenotsomanlyman - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Symphony

Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML

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By angryman

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

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By bip - France

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

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By effinit - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

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By imanidiot - United States

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

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By Michael978

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By GreatParenting - United States - Nampa

Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML

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By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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By NotHappyJan

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

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By zuzu

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

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By Ringo McDingo - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By mishie1 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Rob - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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By airborne - United States

Today, I saw someone drive recklessly as if they were drunk. When I called the cops, I got pulled over by another cop for talking on my cell phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 05:02

A mind of its own

Today, I realized I'm getting fat. When going for a drive, I plugged my phone in to listen to music. I put the phone in my lap to start driving and my gut changed the song. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 14:01

Slow moving accident

Today, I got into an accident, driving pretty slowly on a left turn signal trying to avoid a curb, sticking it out for too long, breaking a car's sideview mirror and causing scratches. The police was called. I have to appear in court for a misdemeanour for my first offence ever. Good bye student visa. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

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By Mylifesintatterssendhelp

Today, I went to a tattoo artist to get what I thought would be really cute, elegant finger tattoos. I left with wobbly, blobby messes all over my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

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By ValeyFallsAlot

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML

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By notadoorman - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

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By movingbuddy - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of a year asked me to move in with him. I would have been touched at this gesture, had he not asked in the form of a text message, saying: "Got kicked out. Wanna get a flat or something?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1892558 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:50

Pet interview?

I'll bet the poor dog was nervous trying to answer the probing questions concerning all of the lies and exaggerations you put on his résumé (or C. V., if you will.)

You fudged his credentials, so he fudged the office.

By Xythenol | 6

#1892569 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:59

"REQUIRED PET INTERVIEW".
Your spelling is atrocious, no wonder your reading skills suck too.

COMMENTS

By dragonxfly | 0

#1892539 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:38

hai thar

Reply

alfredrog | 0

#1892552 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:47

happry

By josie1238 | 0

#1892540 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:38

haha

By azeen | 0

#1892541 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:38

ha...

By xshowmethehueix | 0

#1892548 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:42

epic fail.

Reply

thelastavailable | 13

#1892765 - Sunday 26 December 2010 13:26

Are the words 'epic' and 'fail' the In words right now?

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1892986 - Sunday 26 December 2010 15:01

ydi for feeding your dog beans and salsa the day before.

By Me_iz_a_Bboy | 0

#1892553 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:48

Owned

By alexiiiiis09 | 0

#1892554 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:48

ew lol poor doggy :(

By iSolDyourSouL | 0

#1892557 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:50

That totally sucks. FYL

Reply

MrFancy | 0

#1893344 - Sunday 26 December 2010 16:59

Yeah, I hate dogs.

Reply

sharkwkrox | 0

#2435538 - Saturday 30 April 2011 21:26

43..I hate you.

By perdix | 29

#1892558 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:50

Pet interview?

I'll bet the poor dog was nervous trying to answer the probing questions concerning all of the lies and exaggerations you put on his résumé (or C. V., if you will.)

You fudged his credentials, so he fudged the office.

Reply

lol_ironic_life | 9

#1892581 - Sunday 26 December 2010 10:11

lol I always enjoy reading your comments perdix! I feel bad for your puppy and you too OP! Hope you'll find somewhere better. ;)

Reply

mytralala_fml | 7

#1892598 - Sunday 26 December 2010 10:20

win.

By takemetomars | 0

#1892561 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:52

ugh y exactly would u bring a pet with u too an interview?!

Reply

Xythenol | 6

#1892569 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:59

"REQUIRED PET INTERVIEW".
Your spelling is atrocious, no wonder your reading skills suck too.

Reply

White_Fury | 0

#1892586 - Sunday 26 December 2010 10:13

I live in Texas and I have an apartment and I have never heard of a required pet interview...

Reply

lacrossekid | 0

#1892626 - Sunday 26 December 2010 10:58

that's cuz you live I'n Texas ... you could have a horse I'n ur house and I don't think you hillbillys would care

Reply

BloodyHeel | 8

#1892673 - Sunday 26 December 2010 12:16

Good grief.

Reply

CaityCatastrophy | 0

#1894473 - Monday 27 December 2010 3:47

Can I smack 27?

Reply

aworm27 | 2

#4383540 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 23:53

27, at least us "hillbillies" can spell. Idiot.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#5749598 - Sunday 10 November 2013 17:12

I'm guessing the apartment owners decided to do these pet interviews. They can do whatever that want in order to decide who gets their apartment.

By FatGuyLover | 0

#1892568 - Sunday 26 December 2010 9:59

Same thing happened to me but i still got the apartment since he was a nice gentlemen