By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 16:03

Her House, Her Rules.

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Fear factor

Creepy

By Jesusman - 8/12/2018 14:00

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By hannahg - 24/3/2014 00:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

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By Anonymous user - 9/8/2018 06:00

Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 03:40 - United States - Odenton

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

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By fml_anon - 19/3/2016 08:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 21:37 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

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By bdaygirl - 3/12/2009 07:33 - United States

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

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By sickpuppy - 8/9/2019 12:00

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By ticked - 6/10/2009 13:01 - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

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By johnnyfuckfacer - 18/10/2012 19:40 - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 05:06 - United States

Today, I drove my new car with a manual transmission for the first time by myself. I was at a stoplight and saw a cute guy in the car next to me. He looked my way and gave me "the nod". The light turned green and I tried to go but I stalled out, lurching my car forward right into the car next to me. FML

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By FMBs - 30/4/2014 23:40 - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

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By idislikeblanks - 30/1/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 08:47 - Canada

Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By Becoming a commuter. - 4/9/2012 17:14 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

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By changeddaily - 20/3/2011 04:52 - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

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By raven_of_azarath - 29/7/2019 02:00

Today, I found a spider in my car the size of my hand. Help. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - 7/3/2010 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By Al - 5/8/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was leaving the mall. I Instinctively hit the unlock button on my car keys from across the parking lot. Little did I know I was making it a whole lot easier for the guy breaking into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

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By you'vegotmail(not) - 18/4/2014 23:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML

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By Chelsea - 18/5/2013 08:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

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By Tallulah - 29/7/2011 06:56 - United Kingdom

Today, after eating out with my boyfriend, we went for a drive, but ended up getting into an argument. I reached back to grab my bag and storm out of the car. He thought I was trying to take the restaurant's doggy bag and lunged at me. My boyfriend would rather save chicken than our relationship. FML

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By chchboy - 22/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

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By DL06 - 8/4/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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By Sufia - 28/10/2017 19:51

Technically Correct: The Best Kind of Correct

Today, my teacher called me "stupid and ignorant" for referring to myself as Asian. I'm from Pakistan. Pakistan is in Asia. FML

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By Candy - 20/5/2010 12:37 - United States

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By fallingforfakenamesandmindgames - 27/7/2017 13:00

A dealer of both drugs and hugs

Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML

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By julieseattle - 28/10/2019 18:00

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 06:01

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By RatCityChick - 27/6/2012 17:18 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

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By Well okay then - 9/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By ShortieRose - 28/5/2019 22:13

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

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By bananagurl4242 - 16/7/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML

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By psychicmother - 9/9/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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By cuckolddreams - 21/1/2015 19:06 - United States - Broken Bow

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7827929 - Friday 2 August 2019 16:09

Umm… don’t.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7827952 - Friday 2 August 2019 17:30

Ask her if among her cleaning supplies, does she have brain bleach?

If not, you can always hide out in your room with a blindfold and a bag over your head...and another bag over that.

Comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7827929 - Friday 2 August 2019 16:09

Umm… don’t.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7827952 - Friday 2 August 2019 17:30

Ask her if among her cleaning supplies, does she have brain bleach?

If not, you can always hide out in your room with a blindfold and a bag over your head...and another bag over that.

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7827964 - Friday 2 August 2019 19:20

is she hot?

By fjvitt | 12

#7828009 - Friday 2 August 2019 23:41

Grandma has a sense of humor...