Intimacy: Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death,... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 16

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 112

25/07/2015 00:12

Spicy

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 177

You deserved it 6 230

Taking stock

Another great day to be alive

Own it

29/12/2016 05:09

Today, I had my very first interview and pretty much got hired right away. Then I found out I have to drive 2 hours away for training. I don't have a car, license, or money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 739

You deserved it 570

20/03/2009 05:48

Today, I was pulled over by my father who is a police officer. He was training a rookie and gave me a breathalyzer test to show his trainee how to do it. I blew a .15 and was taken to jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 911

You deserved it 151 043

29/07/2012 05:27

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 905

You deserved it 5 047

21/12/2012 03:31

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 912

You deserved it 3 903

16/05/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 380

You deserved it 799

28/06/2011 07:32

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 856

You deserved it 8 732

04/11/2009 20:39

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 257

You deserved it 4 357

It's about time

By peetime - 24/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was in the car with my mom taking the dog to the vet, when he peed on me. We were taking him there because he hadn't peed in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 71

04/01/2011 14:49

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 591

You deserved it 3 154

21/11/2009 08:00

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 245

You deserved it 2 886

Chill out, Bugs

By trex_life - 14/03/2021 20:00

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 481

02/12/2011 06:36

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 700

You deserved it 2 913

01/09/2015 04:37

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 619

You deserved it 3 648

Nice!

By growlr - 20/07/2011 09:17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 717

You deserved it 5 789

24/12/2018 04:00

Spicy

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 984

You deserved it 303

09/11/2009 04:13

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 526

You deserved it 2 895

03/12/2012 05:18

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 968

You deserved it 2 949

09/12/2014 21:19

Today, I confessed to my roommate of 4 years that I'm in love with her. Her response? Sticking her tongue out at me and blowing a raspberry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 020

You deserved it 4 255

21/09/2010 08:50

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 409

You deserved it 5 172

21/06/2016 03:01

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 438

You deserved it 1 652

04/09/2015 15:58

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 904

You deserved it 3 235

07/07/2011 04:04

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 639

You deserved it 3 577

15/03/2010 19:34

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 294

You deserved it 4 246

17/11/2008 08:53

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 526

You deserved it 8 260

15/11/2012 19:47

Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 564

You deserved it 2 470

Always call first

By Cat - 02/12/2020 08:06

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 442

Going well, isn't it

By theproblemboblem - 29/04/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, after weeks of begging my boyfriend of almost two years to have sex with me, he told me to find someone else to fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 240

Open-minded

By plaid_is_cool - 05/05/2020 05:00

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 208

29/10/2017 01:30

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 615

You deserved it 263

01/07/2018 19:00

Today, I'm in the hospital for a broken hip and cerebral hemorrhage, bedridden with a continuous headache. My roommate has dementia and shouts and cries all day about a hospital conspiracy where everybody is drinking tea all the time except her. This will be a long month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 409

You deserved it 192

03/09/2010 04:35

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 007

You deserved it 5 028

28/11/2009 21:37

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 653

You deserved it 14 566

25/01/2010 18:13

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 647

You deserved it 35 107

22/01/2010 07:32

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 979

You deserved it 8 447

02/09/2009 00:04

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 965

You deserved it 3 065

19/07/2011 18:03

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 457

You deserved it 8 539

05/05/2012 00:01

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 214

You deserved it 2 708

05/07/2009 16:10

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 675

You deserved it 5 043

20/11/2009 18:41

Spicy

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 908

You deserved it 4 057

Catcaller on a bike!

By Anonymous - 04/04/2021 08:31

Spicy

Today, a man on a bike was so preoccupied with making lewd comments about another girl's behind that he drove straight into mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 73

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:03

You must've beat that pussy up good...

euphoricness 28

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:05

I don't think thinking of pussy will help your cause.

Comments

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:03

You must've beat that pussy up good...

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Sunday 26 July 2015 1:22

this comment is actual genius lol

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:05

What if that had the opposite effect.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 21:48

beat that pussy up

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Sunday 26 July 2015 1:17

That would be a strange fetish.

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Sunday 26 July 2015 2:38

Then her noticing his boner should be the least of his worries. And it would be extremely awkward when he gets home to see his cat.

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Sunday 15 July 2018 11:52

self discovery is key

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:05

I think most guys can affirm that they have had to do things like that from time to time to keep from getting a boner. Sometimes, it's the only way to keep from an extremely awkward situation.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 21:47

Better that than thinking of grandma

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Saturday 25 July 2015 22:37

I personally let them see, or feel, what they're getting themselves into. Show yourself... Unless you know nothing good will happen

sam882 28

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Saturday 25 July 2015 22:43

Exactly #60! It's a compliment. He should have just let it happen.It's his body's way of saying "Hey you're hot and you should move your head three inches to the right".

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:13

EXACTLY!!!! Then just move up and down a bit... Who knows? Lol

beeneatenalive 12

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:40

You have given me the confidence I need in life. Thank you

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Sunday 26 July 2015 4:43

Well, ive never gone to that extreme, but yes i have had to imagine scary things..*shudder*

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Sunday 26 July 2015 9:18

Sorry man, If a girl is putting her head in my lap she has to know two things 1 a dick lives there. 2 I like her. If shes still willing to put her head there. Whatever happens roll with it. Shes not stupid.

euphoricness 28

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:05

I don't think thinking of pussy will help your cause.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:05

Looks like you had quite the CATastrophe on your hands

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:45

Fuck ya'll that comment was fire

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:50

the only fire involved in any pun is when you set that person on fire for making one.

MarkEternal02 19

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:55

I liked the pun in general. Your over emphasis on CAT however is probably why you're getting down voted. Just my opinion.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 21:45

out. now.

Indiantrolledd 16

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:36

Why the fuck was this downvoted? Fuck all you guys.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:38

I didn't find the pun funny, but #5 follow up after being down voted was hilarious

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:39

Burn!

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Sunday 26 July 2015 4:41

I like you and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

MalekiMaker99 22

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Sunday 26 July 2015 5:10

#31 was so polite haha

BaconBomb2001 6

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Sunday 26 July 2015 12:07

*snap* Corner. Now.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

burristhethird 16

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Saturday 25 July 2015 23:40

That just sounds fucking painful.

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:06

That's a boner fide story.

bingalingading 12

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Saturday 25 July 2015 21:03

we should erect a statue in honor of this guy.

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Sunday 26 July 2015 1:20

You guys must have thought long and hard to cum up with these puns.

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Sunday 26 July 2015 1:39

These comments are golden, I'll have to write some of them down. Does somebody know where my penis?

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Sunday 26 July 2015 9:19

I jacked it yesterday so I could write notes in my dicktionary.

SalsaVerdeDonut 22

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:08

We've all been there. Though, I never had to think of something like savagely beating my pet to death to refrain from getting a boner. Whatever helps I guess.

FuKcMee 32

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:09

should have destroyed her pussy instead of your own!

cheshirecat13242 32

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Saturday 25 July 2015 20:10

That's an interesting method.. I expected the FML to end with "..but it had an opposite effect."