Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's...

By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

Yappy neighborhood

Headache

By potatoehead178 - 28/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Fairfield

I should?

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1999

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346

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By budapesthungary - 21/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

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49918

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By humiliated - 26/2/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

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22705

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By saywhat - 26/11/2010 03:28 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

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By grossuncle - 25/2/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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46039

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By Heethersays - 3/7/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 22:00

Can't win

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

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1958

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314

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By cande - 1/12/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an unauthorized pet and complaints from neighbors that our dog barks all night long. We don't have a dog, we don't even have a pet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 00:01

BFF

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

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By badtiming - 15/9/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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By mental - 2/9/2019 18:01 - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

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1726

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118

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By georgiana072 - 22/9/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By Class - 11/5/2012 23:52 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML

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By distressed - 17/3/2015 12:00 - Australia - Burwood

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2013 22:24 - Egypt

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

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By Rafiki - 22/2/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

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By Bob - 13/12/2017 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

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By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

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By liz - 16/7/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

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By goldengirl - 26/8/2011 09:09 - Australia

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

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By chuffberry - 19/4/2016 13:39 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By smyp - 27/5/2015 22:27 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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31656

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By opposites don’t attract - 16/9/2020 11:03 - United States

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 19:21 - United States - Concord

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

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By Dothy - 17/11/2008 09:54 - France

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2012 03:26 - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 07:35 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By natedudelol - 7/6/2018 19:00

#choices

Today, at the self-checkout, I didn't have enough money for honey, so I just walked out with it and ended up getting caught. Now I have to hold a sign in front of the store wearing a big bumblebee costume. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 14:14 - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

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26718

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

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1635

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 17:01 - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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10602

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 18:50 - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

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By notyourcleaner - 13/1/2015 11:06 - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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31973

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By creepedouthostess - 17/6/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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43284

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By addie - 3/3/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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32102

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By TalkedTo - 14/11/2018 03:00

Today, at 16 years old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML

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3078

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By fuck you, gran - 9/3/2013 00:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

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31968

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By bellabreeze - 9/8/2012 03:29 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

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Top comments

By mcxhunni | 0

#2722857 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:49

maybe she thought you might have been referring to your dick... not dumping on yourself...

By mxpklx | 12

#2722922 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:55

someones socially awkward.

COMMENTS

By mcxhunni | 0

#2722857 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:49

maybe she thought you might have been referring to your dick... not dumping on yourself...

Gianca1208 | 4

#2723149 - Monday 20 June 2011 16:27

Smooth move no nuts!

grass_hopperr | 1

#2723199 - Monday 20 June 2011 16:38

Hopefully but probably not... :

extrovertical | 0

#2723342 - Monday 20 June 2011 17:00

or a huge load of shit

MissBunnyWillEat | 11

#2723439 - Monday 20 June 2011 17:14

Dont worry, OP. You turned her on.

iceicebaby24 | 0

#2723518 - Monday 20 June 2011 17:31

that's what I thought.

Insight1992 | 0

#2723704 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:05

shut up that's mad gross jk I was thinking the same thing lol

flighted_ | 0

#2723933 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:38

I was thinkin OP meant he uh....loses his uh...in his pants a lot, seeing that he doesn't really get any.

no?
...okay lol

gabstahhh | 8

#2724030 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:49

Great laundry conversation...? Hahaha

Leah_Adelle | 0

#2724098 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:00

sounds more like jizz in the pants

OceanBreathesSal | 5

#2724671 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:53

1- your picture frightens me for some reason.

mcxhunni | 0

#2724706 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:58

good ;)

AbuelaGrande | 0

#2725380 - Monday 20 June 2011 21:52

The loads I see is the load from the fire truck when he come and take my basura or garbadge I think you say in English away.

Veraymix | 6

#2725835 - Monday 20 June 2011 23:13

Yeah, I too would have thought of the dick. let's hope she doesn't analyze it too much.

Ducati4623 | 0

#2726091 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:03

Am I the only one that thinks this guy is a legend for saying that?
I wish I had the courage to just go for the win straight away.

Dark_Angel003 | 0

#2726242 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:33

Thats what i thought, I thought he was reffering to his dick.

mooshibear140 | 4

#2726309 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:55

LOL, when I read it I thought of jizz, not poop. xD

BobsUrAunty | 2

#2727077 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:13

abuela you never make any sense :s

EvilPotato | 14

#2727455 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:25

did she giggle, smile and wink?

jessyrodgers | 0

#2730149 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 14:09

126 your pic is awesome

F14Shado | 0

#2731209 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 17:29

as do I.

maz_irken | 6

#2733557 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 0:47

shitty situation?

method_men25 | 2

#2772587 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:02

Haters gonna hate!! This is gold OP, milk it!! Take this ambiguous and embarrassing

method_men25 | 2

#2772602 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:04

Haters gonna hate!! This is gold OP, milk it!! Take this ambiguous and Potentially embarrassing situation, spin it, and she'll be handling your 'huge load' in no time

By iJasper | 8

#2722863 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:50

LOL

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2723188 - Monday 20 June 2011 16:36

Wow, what an original comment!

Tantalum | 1

#2723735 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:11

You made it to the #2 spot, Well done!!

iJasper | 8

#2723776 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:20

Lol, I just relized I did get second xD

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2723830 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:26

It's morons like you that make me wonder why the human race is in charge of the world.

1221jamw | 11

#2723890 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:32

chill bro.

iJasper | 8

#2723942 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:39

>.> I'm not going to say anything, because I dont want to waste my time, talking to you.

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2723962 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:42

Dude, I'm as chill as the freaking ice monster in my bath tub. Actually, he hasn't been so chill lately after he accidentally ate my unicorn... but my point is I'm chill.

ShaliniBabiie | 0

#2724042 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:52

roflmao !

ieatpuppehs | 0

#2724699 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:58

if you kept a unicorn captive apparently you're not all that chill.. however I would like to have MY ice monster back. my ice tank is lonely.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2725598 - Monday 20 June 2011 22:28

73 - Your picture made me laugh and feel weird at the same time

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2727152 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:27

I love NomOnShroomz, don't dis him 'Kay? Goddit? GOOD! ;)

Baby2000 | 0

#2733236 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 23:50

your a loser

deliciouscake | 3

#2735920 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 11:47

He's not a loser, "you're" a loser.

By camartinez23 | 0

#2722885 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:52

mmk... not sure how to take that hah

Insight1992 | 0

#2723694 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:04

shut up

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2724066 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:54

That's what ruffies are for...

LaughinStock | 16

#2725059 - Monday 20 June 2011 20:54

^ they should call them groundies

camcam103 | 0

#2735093 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 7:57

no.……

emojustin | 0

#2745621 - Friday 24 June 2011 2:37

hey sexy ;)

11tmaste | 2

#7429271 - Saturday 25 March 2017 4:54

It's not how you take it, but where.

By daAce77 | 8

#2722887 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:52

your fail sir...

mercuryburst | 0

#2725937 - Monday 20 June 2011 23:30

You're*

BobsUrAunty | 2

#2727084 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:17

I thought 'you' made more sense than 'you're'

By YacL | 15

#2722897 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:53

Was the face she made when you said that cute as well? I bet it was.

By TalkinSmack | 6

#2722900 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:54

lol pricess!

MVProbbins | 0

#2724545 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:33

You spelt it wrong. Dumbass.

smellymellyy | 7

#2724659 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:51

lol its just a typo im sure this guy does know that priceless has an L in it, he's not that dumb. dont get so offended by one typo, jeez it's not like he was tlkng lyk dis