Miscellaneous: Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's...

By NewTenant - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Buzzing the tower

Bustin' my ass

By Choum - France

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

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By Liam. - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By No thanks - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

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30973

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By LilyL - United States

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

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37010

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By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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12439

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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By thanks.

Today, my girlfriend of over a year woke me up at 4:30 in the morning by sticking her hand down my pants. She immediately stopped when I was awake enough to reciprocate and said, "I couldn't sleep. I was bored. Talk to me." FML

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7847

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By TimJack18 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

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By dammed - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

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By tsukinoie - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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By mvgirl - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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By Jill - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

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49457

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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13949

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By caleighrossi - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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48497

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By jzone32 - Canada

Today, I had my first job interview in years. While I was waiting for the manager to come out I realized I had forgotten the resume that I had printed out the night before, since he specifically asked me to bring one. FML

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9283

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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73121

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By serendipity1027 - France

Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the brakes, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I threw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML

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34709

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By monkers - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

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25159

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By Anonymous

Seems fair

Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML

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3466

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By happyasaclam - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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38930

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By crap - United States - Mansfield

Today, I realized that if you are dreaming that you have diarrhea, you probably have diarrhea. FML

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47934

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By Nicked - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

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By everyoneheard - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was eating out with a group of friends and my boyfriend. During the meal, I accidentally took a sip from my male friend's glass. My boyfriend pointed and said, "Babe, you took his drink." My friend responded by putting his arm round me and saying, "Whatever, I took her virginity." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 3 year old daughter decided to put black nail polish over the webcam lens on my laptop because "It wasn't all black, so I decided to fix it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML

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By perpetuallyscrewed

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

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39945

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

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28411

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my car and a cute guy pulled up next to me. He looked at me and smiled, but in order to be cool, I pretended not to notice. I also pretended that I was listening to music and was completely absorbed in it, singing passionately. I wasn't even listening to music and my window was down. FML

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7992

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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26959

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By Kml

Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML

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9340

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By My eyes were on the prize

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

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5024

You deserved it

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By killme - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML

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39858

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By jared576

Not lovin' it

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

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34638

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

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39229

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By verysadasian - United States

Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML

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46453

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By Help - United States

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

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Top comments

By mcxhunni | 0

#2722857 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:49

maybe she thought you might have been referring to your dick... not dumping on yourself...

By mxpklx | 12

#2722922 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:55

someones socially awkward.

COMMENTS

By mcxhunni | 0

#2722857 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:49

maybe she thought you might have been referring to your dick... not dumping on yourself...

Gianca1208 | 4

#2723149 - Monday 20 June 2011 16:27

Smooth move no nuts!

grass_hopperr | 1

#2723199 - Monday 20 June 2011 16:38

Hopefully but probably not... :

extrovertical | 0

#2723342 - Monday 20 June 2011 17:00

or a huge load of shit

MissBunnyWillEat | 11

#2723439 - Monday 20 June 2011 17:14

Dont worry, OP. You turned her on.

iceicebaby24 | 0

#2723518 - Monday 20 June 2011 17:31

that's what I thought.

Insight1992 | 0

#2723704 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:05

shut up that's mad gross jk I was thinking the same thing lol

flighted_ | 0

#2723933 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:38

I was thinkin OP meant he uh....loses his uh...in his pants a lot, seeing that he doesn't really get any.

no?
...okay lol

gabstahhh | 8

#2724030 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:49

Great laundry conversation...? Hahaha

Leah_Adelle | 0

#2724098 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:00

sounds more like jizz in the pants

OceanBreathesSal | 5

#2724671 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:53

1- your picture frightens me for some reason.

mcxhunni | 0

#2724706 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:58

good ;)

AbuelaGrande | 0

#2725380 - Monday 20 June 2011 21:52

The loads I see is the load from the fire truck when he come and take my basura or garbadge I think you say in English away.

Veraymix | 6

#2725835 - Monday 20 June 2011 23:13

Yeah, I too would have thought of the dick. let's hope she doesn't analyze it too much.

Ducati4623 | 0

#2726091 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:03

Am I the only one that thinks this guy is a legend for saying that?
I wish I had the courage to just go for the win straight away.

Dark_Angel003 | 0

#2726242 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:33

Thats what i thought, I thought he was reffering to his dick.

mooshibear140 | 4

#2726309 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 0:55

LOL, when I read it I thought of jizz, not poop. xD

BobsUrAunty | 2

#2727077 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:13

abuela you never make any sense :s

EvilPotato | 14

#2727455 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:25

did she giggle, smile and wink?

jessyrodgers | 0

#2730149 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 14:09

126 your pic is awesome

F14Shado | 0

#2731209 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 17:29

as do I.

maz_irken | 6

#2733557 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 0:47

shitty situation?

method_men25 | 2

#2772587 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:02

Haters gonna hate!! This is gold OP, milk it!! Take this ambiguous and embarrassing

method_men25 | 2

#2772602 - Monday 27 June 2011 20:04

Haters gonna hate!! This is gold OP, milk it!! Take this ambiguous and Potentially embarrassing situation, spin it, and she'll be handling your 'huge load' in no time

By iJasper | 8

#2722863 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:50

LOL

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2723188 - Monday 20 June 2011 16:36

Wow, what an original comment!

Tantalum | 1

#2723735 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:11

You made it to the #2 spot, Well done!!

iJasper | 8

#2723776 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:20

Lol, I just relized I did get second xD

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2723830 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:26

It's morons like you that make me wonder why the human race is in charge of the world.

1221jamw | 11

#2723890 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:32

chill bro.

iJasper | 8

#2723942 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:39

>.> I'm not going to say anything, because I dont want to waste my time, talking to you.

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2723962 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:42

Dude, I'm as chill as the freaking ice monster in my bath tub. Actually, he hasn't been so chill lately after he accidentally ate my unicorn... but my point is I'm chill.

ShaliniBabiie | 0

#2724042 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:52

roflmao !

ieatpuppehs | 0

#2724699 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:58

if you kept a unicorn captive apparently you're not all that chill.. however I would like to have MY ice monster back. my ice tank is lonely.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2725598 - Monday 20 June 2011 22:28

73 - Your picture made me laugh and feel weird at the same time

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2727152 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:27

I love NomOnShroomz, don't dis him 'Kay? Goddit? GOOD! ;)

Baby2000 | 0

#2733236 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 23:50

your a loser

deliciouscake | 3

#2735920 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 11:47

He's not a loser, "you're" a loser.

By camartinez23 | 0

#2722885 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:52

mmk... not sure how to take that hah

Insight1992 | 0

#2723694 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:04

shut up

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2724066 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:54

That's what ruffies are for...

LaughinStock | 16

#2725059 - Monday 20 June 2011 20:54

^ they should call them groundies

camcam103 | 0

#2735093 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 7:57

no.……

emojustin | 0

#2745621 - Friday 24 June 2011 2:37

hey sexy ;)

11tmaste | 2

#7429271 - Saturday 25 March 2017 4:54

It's not how you take it, but where.

By daAce77 | 8

#2722887 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:52

your fail sir...

mercuryburst | 0

#2725937 - Monday 20 June 2011 23:30

You're*

BobsUrAunty | 2

#2727084 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:17

I thought 'you' made more sense than 'you're'

By YacL | 15

#2722897 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:53

Was the face she made when you said that cute as well? I bet it was.

By TalkinSmack | 6

#2722900 - Monday 20 June 2011 15:54

lol pricess!

MVProbbins | 0

#2724545 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:33

You spelt it wrong. Dumbass.

smellymellyy | 7

#2724659 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:51

lol its just a typo im sure this guy does know that priceless has an L in it, he's not that dumb. dont get so offended by one typo, jeez it's not like he was tlkng lyk dis