Miscellaneous: Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the... - FML

By Anon - 25/05/2015 01:14 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 043

You deserved it 12 062

Mama's boy

Mother of the year

Age difference

Zoom call from hell

By low_expectations - 19/08/2020 02:04

Today, I was yelled at by my mom for not communicating to the rest of my family about the zoom call SHE planned and asked for. The call was to celebrate my birthday. Apparently, it was my responsibility to coordinate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 436

You deserved it 90

By Noname - 12/03/2009 11:09 - Australia

Today, I was on a standing on a crowded bus going home after school. A wriggling 5 year old boy and his mum left the seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit on the seat, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 572

You deserved it 11 474

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, my boss told me that he is really getting scared of Covid-19. He's too cheap for tests. His solution? He'll work from home for 2 weeks while I meet with all employees 1-1. If I don’t get sick, he'll feel OK coming back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 94

By notthatkinkyanyway - 13/11/2011 12:46 - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 486

You deserved it 6 359

Thanks, dad

By manoloonfire - 21/12/2020 15:04 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I'm a MD who graduated with honors. I can't work right now because I'm preparing myself for the medical residence exam. I want to be a cardiovascular surgeon. My dad is ashamed of me and treats me like shit, because I don't work and I'm 26 years-old, living with my parents while I'm studying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 168

You deserved it 81

By fatty - 03/08/2010 22:37 - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 053

You deserved it 7 390

ESPN Love

By pieceofcake163 - 29/12/2009 08:59 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my booty call only likes to have sex with me so afterwards he can watch ESPN on my plasma screen TV, because he has neither. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 552

You deserved it 17 022

By propose_you_freakin_coward - 27/09/2013 12:51 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was insulted and harassed by my sister and her boyfriend, all because I proposed yesterday. They were angry I might get married before they did. They have known each other since primary school; I met my fiancée earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 384

You deserved it 6 727

By shouldhaveknown - 26/06/2009 14:22 - Australia

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 713

You deserved it 11 153

By BlueMacaw - 25/07/2016 14:38 - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 609

You deserved it 2 136

By Pouponette - 16/06/2016 11:07 - France

Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 033

You deserved it 1 683

By asshole - 02/10/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, I sat to the right of a girl I really like. I passed her a note asking her to homecoming. She read it, then hurriedly passed it to a hideous girl sitting on her left, who said yes, then hugged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 110

You deserved it 12 367

By Anonymous - 06/11/2015 23:22 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 954

You deserved it 1 419

Mindfullness

By Anonymous - 06/10/2010 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be alright, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 267

You deserved it 6 006

By me - 22/06/2012 07:28 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 096

You deserved it 3 728

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 252

By Screwed - 22/04/2009 17:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 339

You deserved it 86 511

By justmyluck - 26/08/2011 05:28 - Australia

Today, after waiting 3 months, I finally got my wedding dress back from the dry-cleaners. The dry cleaning lasted longer than the marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 380

You deserved it 9 986

NRA fanboy

By Anonymous - 02/10/2020 05:04

Today, I finally confronted my husband about his silicon *wedding ring* having rifle bullets on it. He said, "I love you as much as I love guns." I clarified, "As much as?" to give him an out. He replied, 100% serious, that he really loves his guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 400

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party thrown in my honor. All of my friends and family had been invited, and all of the details were perfect. Who threw the party for me? My ex-girlfriend who I dumped last week for "not being thoughtful enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 005

You deserved it 57 679

By Anonymous - 08/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 811

You deserved it 2 721

By r1has - 12/09/2016 08:21 - Pakistan - Rawalpindi

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 525

You deserved it 1 187

Tock follow tick follows tock…

By Sad - 03/01/2021 11:01

Today, after my grandfather died a month ago, my grandmother had a massive stroke. I have a sinus infection but had to be tested for Covid. I need it to show negative so I can say goodbye to the most influential woman in my life. I don’t know that results will be back in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 54

By nicknack22 - 01/02/2009 15:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 626

You deserved it 5 894

By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 777

You deserved it 3 124

By WhatTheFuck - 30/07/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 059

You deserved it 1 753

By RBHSWedgieGirl - 23/01/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 472

You deserved it 35 964

BIKES!

By Jjay08 - 26/04/2016 21:17 - United States - Miles City

Today, I discovered a purple BMX bike abandoned in my front yard. I wondered why it was there, until I looked over to discover that my own bike had been stolen. I guess they liked mine better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 595

You deserved it 1 120

By Unwanted - 02/08/2012 06:50 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 103

You deserved it 34 727

By britney - 15/02/2010 02:54 - Canada

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, thats she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 067

You deserved it 5 571

By OompaLoompa - 18/06/2009 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 237

You deserved it 62 173

By kewlio45 - 01/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 880

You deserved it 6 319

By that violates the Geneva conventions - 05/08/2016 09:33 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 389

You deserved it 980

Gene Simmons approves this FML

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 416

You deserved it 12 164

By keyshame - 10/10/2013 05:22 - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 269

You deserved it 6 456

By anon_smh - 18/02/2016 04:37 - United States - Bozeman

Today, after interviewing for a promotion to a position that was created with me in mind, I eagerly accepted a call from my boss, expecting good news. Turns out, they found a better applicant, who they don't believe will need support from the position I currently hold, so it's being eliminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 482

You deserved it 1 384

By Rach - 08/08/2018 23:30

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 000

You deserved it 741

By macguy - 20/10/2016 14:25 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 112

You deserved it 996

By Anonymous - 20/05/2016 08:09 - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 221

You deserved it 1 588

By JMU - 06/07/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 304

You deserved it 4 531

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Monday 25 May 2015 11:59

On a scale of 1 to 10, how pissed were you?

rt58killer10 19

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Monday 25 May 2015 11:59

The side effects of FML

Comments

rt58killer10 19

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Monday 25 May 2015 11:59

The side effects of FML

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Monday 25 May 2015 17:08

Favourited! At least you don't feel the need to eat every time your dog rings a bell. (Kelso reference)

wheresmymary 22

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Tuesday 26 May 2015 7:17

Classical conditioning

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Tuesday 26 May 2015 9:11

#36 thats a reference to pavlov's bell. . . you should look into it.

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Tuesday 26 May 2015 17:12

Yes and Kelso (Kutcher) from That 70s Show thought the dog was the one who rang the bell. oh nvm.

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Friday 29 May 2015 13:32

It is true. I do the same thing, however, yet to wee myself.

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Monday 25 May 2015 11:59

On a scale of 1 to 10, how pissed were you?

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:01

a little

rt58killer10 19

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

A "little"

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Wednesday 27 May 2015 19:27

A *little*

jgwyh 18

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:01

Good old Pavlov's experiment

EverestMelting 23

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:22

'I was at the bar the other day and I heard the phone ring and then I remembered, OH SHIT, I need to feed my dog.'

theTravinator 21

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Monday 25 May 2015 15:14

I got my AP Psychology teacher a mug that has a dog on it in a cardboard box on the sidewalk, with a sign that says "will drool for bells". Classic

C_Celine_101 19

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Wednesday 27 May 2015 1:28

I got my AS psychology teacher a mug that say 'Freudian sips' on one side and ' when you say something but mean your mother' on the other. She loved it haha

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:01

Lol, you need to get out more :). Dw OP. I do that too, well excluding the peeing bit.

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Monday 25 May 2015 14:47

well then you aren't really doing the same I'd say

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Monday 25 May 2015 15:57

Oh shit. I didn't realize that I could only FML on a desktop computer confined within my home. If only there were some way to view FML on a mobile device on the go. Like some sort of mobile application. No, no! That'd be crazy. I forgot it's 1995 and I'm using this app at home right now via dial up Internet. I'm completely imagining that I'm in a cafe at a table right now. I never get out, so I've gone crazy. all I do is sit at home and look at fml and nothing else. There's no way OP could ever use the app while using the bathroom anywhere else except home. They never ever get out.

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Tuesday 26 May 2015 2:27

56K, baby.

iwanttogotoparis 26

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:05

Oh my god I'm pissing myself

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Monday 25 May 2015 20:50

Just like OP

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:09

Are you sure it was urine?

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:22

Really administrators? Wow. No offense to OP but how is this really even an FML?

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:30

Um, because they pissed themselves?

igg125 30

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Monday 25 May 2015 12:23

At least you didn't drop your phone in the toilet.

MeAnd 9

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Monday 25 May 2015 13:01

At least it's better than shitting your pant.

_ely_foster_ 11

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Monday 25 May 2015 13:07

haha damn

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 397

You deserved it 50

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 202