Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when... - FML

By Phill1188 - 16/9/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2896

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Not a cheating!

By skc - 14/3/2009 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29297

You deserved it

64937

Tweet

Share

By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39082

You deserved it

3704

Tweet

Share

By meach - 6/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39654

You deserved it

4156

Tweet

Share

By getajob - 28/9/2012 17:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28356

You deserved it

2028

Tweet

Share

By Evra - 16/4/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38006

You deserved it

6013

Tweet

Share

By Lunar-Spice - 23/7/2019 04:05

Today, I asked one of the girls at work out on a date. She responded by filing a harassment complaint. Now, I can't speak to her at all without being written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1387

You deserved it

885

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 20:31 - United Kingdom - Truro

Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh... you didn't know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36050

You deserved it

3332

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

I agree, your life sucks

24221

You deserved it

2419

Tweet

Share

By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 14:00

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1515

You deserved it

104

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36619

You deserved it

3568

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 9/8/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30094

You deserved it

3138

Tweet

Share

By rayraydayday - 21/3/2015 04:25 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31213

You deserved it

10872

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

968

You deserved it

656

Tweet

Share

By FML - 10/12/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his room-mate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33666

You deserved it

5444

Tweet

Share

By o___O" - 10/5/2013 20:11 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49918

You deserved it

4680

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 18/3/2011 07:35

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40113

You deserved it

13773

Tweet

Share

By Trouble - 11/4/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4184

You deserved it

415

Tweet

Share

By Scorned - 16/9/2018 06:00

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3659

You deserved it

307

Tweet

Share

By twoface_chick - 15/1/2015 07:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32109

You deserved it

2665

Tweet

Share

By clashgurl8449 - 17/2/2011 08:08

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40297

You deserved it

4237

Tweet

Share

By brokeandhungry - 4/7/2013 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51031

You deserved it

4754

Tweet

Share

By NorwegianMadman - 22/12/2016 11:55

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7551

You deserved it

461

Tweet

Share

By Yo mom - 27/12/2011 07:12 - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8652

You deserved it

54812

Tweet

Share

By fish killer - 25/3/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27658

You deserved it

9993

Tweet

Share

By single - 20/10/2013 23:21 - United States

Today, I met up on a blind date. He took a phone call one drink in and said he had to leave because he didn't know it was his buddy's birthday, and they were having a party without him. I offered to split the bill and put out a $20. He got up, unlocked the bicycle behind us and rode off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41931

You deserved it

3672

Tweet

Share

By NotSoCool - 15/5/2009 04:41 - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12444

You deserved it

42537

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 13/3/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. After being upset for not hearing my car alarm go off I realized it had in the middle of the night. I had woken up and cursed the idiot who set off their alarm and put a pillow over my head, falling back to sleep shortly after. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16731

You deserved it

54067

Tweet

Share

By banana12321 - 2/4/2015 04:40 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15163

You deserved it

30265

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 15:18 - United States - Milford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27030

You deserved it

2409

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32440

You deserved it

14634

Tweet

Share

By suspended - 25/7/2015 00:59 - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14134

You deserved it

26715

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48250

You deserved it

2628

Tweet

Share

By random - 8/1/2015 05:24 - United States - Arvada

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32389

You deserved it

2839

Tweet

Share

By Firepussy911 - 14/6/2018 06:22

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6583

You deserved it

476

Tweet

Share

By Celina - 12/1/2009 09:55 - United States

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28654

You deserved it

5281

Tweet

Share

By Motherly Love - 14/8/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34099

You deserved it

2985

Tweet

Share

By sleekRelease - 11/6/2019 04:00

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1633

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

By DogStew - 25/9/2019 00:01

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1221

You deserved it

447

Tweet

Share

By DLS - 18/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10211

You deserved it

44654

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32799

You deserved it

4352

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689732 - Saturday 8 September 2018 15:59

Seems pretty weird that your mom would be so nonchalant in telling you that you've been kidnapped twice, and wouldn't tell you until you made a joke about it. Are you sure she isn't responsible for your second kidnapping, and isn't really your mom?

By pjsr | 32

#7694111 - Sunday 16 September 2018 4:34

Definitely needs a followup

Comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689732 - Saturday 8 September 2018 15:59

Seems pretty weird that your mom would be so nonchalant in telling you that you've been kidnapped twice, and wouldn't tell you until you made a joke about it. Are you sure she isn't responsible for your second kidnapping, and isn't really your mom?

Reply

Leeono | 26

#7689734 - Saturday 8 September 2018 16:04

Or second mum? She’s the best one to be fair. She’s kept them the longest!

Reply

baristalbc | 18

#7696815 - Friday 21 September 2018 6:00

Good one!

By ryand82 | 11

#7694104 - Sunday 16 September 2018 3:52

Well...

By Charlie Given | 21

#7694109 - Sunday 16 September 2018 4:16

Ummmm OP time to do some investigating to make sure that is really your mother, millions of children are kidnapped every year worldwide and about 50% end up in countries that are not their Homeland 🤔😢

By pjsr | 32

#7694111 - Sunday 16 September 2018 4:34

Definitely needs a followup

By Lalala579121 | 27

#7694306 - Sunday 16 September 2018 16:28

Mokuba, is that you?

Reply

LadyRen | 19

#7694359 - Sunday 16 September 2018 19:09

Nii-sama!

By demix_fml | 32

#7694401 - Sunday 16 September 2018 21:05

Need to know the rest of the story now 😋

By WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7694746 - Monday 17 September 2018 15:04

UPDATE, PLEASE