Kids: Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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Triage

OK, well, goodbye

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

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By tiredmomma - United States - Boston

Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

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By purged - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, my boyfriend and I watched the new movie "The Purge." After the movie, I jokingly asked him that if the U.S. had such a purge in real life, would he participate, and who would he kill first. Without missing a beat, he said, "you." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

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By fmcsl - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Customers from Hell

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 17:00

Eat the rich

Today, at work, I found out that they are taking all bonus pay away, but giving us an extra $1 an hour due to Covid-19. Last week, they laid off half my department. Those people laid off are making more money on unemployment than I am now. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Silver linings

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By Lauren - Australia

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML

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By sweetsixteenyay - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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By Broon - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

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By cachow - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By KPKallery - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By kumbuck3t15 - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I decided I need to get a life. I reached this epiphany when I failed to take notice of my friend calling me, until he started calling out my Xbox gamertag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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By peacechick25 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - College Place

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

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By Completely Fed Up - United States - Spokane

Today, after 2 weeks of hard work in the heat planting a garden, just as I thought the most stressful part was over, my wife's mother comes over and brings a huge dog. She then threw a tennis ball for the dog into my freshly seeded garden multiple times, completely destroying most of it. FML

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By Again - United States - Pell City

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

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By Homeless - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My Boss' daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

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By Wendizzle - United States

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 17:00

Furry

Today, my boss fired me because someone hacked our website and replaced pictures of our products with furry porn (don’t Google it, it’s weird as fuck). We don’t have an IT department, but since I spend the most time on the computer controlling stock and purchases, he blamed me instead. FML

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By you+me-clothes=53>< - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

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By mark - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

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By thatsjustlovely - United States

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2020 20:00

Waste moment

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

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By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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By Alex Xavier

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By BahHumbug - United States - Painesville

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

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By LetsMakeLove - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

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By jazzterchic - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I chaperoned a school dance. A song I knew came on, and, wanting to be the fun teacher, I danced around a little. The students then pointed and laughed. I graduated in '87 and high school still hurts. FML

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By icareaboutmyhair - Estonia

Today, I discovered I have dandruff, which I never had before. I googled the possible reasons and those are depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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Top comments

By anonymouse93_fml | 0

#610196 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:16

LOL make sure to laugh at them when they come crying to you next time :)! ojay.

By shamille | 5

#610340 - Thursday 8 October 2009 14:56

i'd say you proved your point. if you can get hurt going at normal speed, imagine what can happen when running!

COMMENTS

By anonymouse93_fml | 0

#610196 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:16

LOL make sure to laugh at them when they come crying to you next time :)! ojay.

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#610198 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:17

Yeah!! That'll show 'em! Be the adult!

Anyone got CPS on speed dial

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#610230 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:41

Uh, no, but good idea. Sometimes reading FML makes you wonder...

Reply

amd3lky | 0

#1024285 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 23:25

I'd be laughing my ass off to

By greenburbon | 0

#610212 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:23

I find this very funny. I hope your better now, but still, to scold them about hurting themselves and then for you to be a clutz and fall down some stairs...ha.

By WhyworldWhy | 0

#610227 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:37

I would laugh to.

By meganrox14 | 0

#610255 - Thursday 8 October 2009 13:10

this sounds just like the fml where the theater guy scolded kids then fell of the stage and shattered his cheek bone.

By mcdworker | 0

#610283 - Thursday 8 October 2009 13:49

bonerbonerbonerboner.
hiiii

By Kozzy333 | 0

#610285 - Thursday 8 October 2009 13:51

Let the kids be kids. Let them run around in the house or better yet, send them outside. I know that's a strange concept for parents.

Reply

Rach_star | 0

#610560 - Thursday 8 October 2009 17:37

I know riiiight

Reply

havetoadjust | 0

#610805 - Thursday 8 October 2009 22:28

forealss they're just kiddies

By ChronicFAIL | 0

#610318 - Thursday 8 October 2009 14:29

Your kids are some little demons if they hear you fall down stairs and just laugh...

But your walking is fail so HAHA.
XD

By shamille | 5

#610340 - Thursday 8 October 2009 14:56

i'd say you proved your point. if you can get hurt going at normal speed, imagine what can happen when running!

Reply

loltoyoutoo | 0

#615506 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:04

i second that

By jw90 | 18

#610344 - Thursday 8 October 2009 14:59

This reminds me of an episode of Family Guy...

By skyeyez9 | 24

#610472 - Thursday 8 October 2009 16:49

my parents made us go outside to play rain, snow or sunshine! Playing in the summer rain is fun! If it is safe to do so, make your boys go outside, unhook the internet, video games, tv so they don't hesitate staying indoors.