Work: Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company... - FML

By jobless - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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Own it

Out of it

A mother's love…

By Anonymous - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

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By Derek

Today, I found out that my kids are both my half-brothers, and the fertility tests my wife had us do a few years ago showed that I'm sterile. She didn't tell me until I found the test results in her desk and asked her about it. FML

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By mishie1 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By ihatemyjob - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

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By Anonymous Baker

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

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By CheeseyPotatoes - United States

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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By tlm84 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man, and that my ass was grounds for discussion." FML

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By storyofmylife - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By Likian5 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went home for lunch. Upon opening the door, I smelled something horrid. My dog had opened his cage, eaten all the dog treats, and had diarrhea all over my bed and bedroom floor. FML

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By patient_mom - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

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By xattackattackx - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By fuck - Canada - Airdrie

Late reaction

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

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By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

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By CessnaPilot - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

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By jared576

Not lovin' it

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up in my living room after having a party. I then realized my fish tank with many different species was missing from its usual spot. After searching for a few minutes, I finally found it in the freezer. FML

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By jimmyt420 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went and saw "The Blind Side." I sobbed throughout the entire movie. My girlfriend didn't shed a tear. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By TooPoorForPrivateUni - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I got into my dream university. I also got turned down for the scholarship and the loan that would enable me to actually go. FML

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By same - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

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By Who1s269 - United States

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By FuckPollen - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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By invasive species

Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML

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By bellaboop1990 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By MetalisLife

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

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By tarah - 10/3/2021 21:30

Alexa, play "What difference does it make?" by The Smiths

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after finding out my parents are divorced. Same reason my last three girlfriends broke up with me. FML

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By virgo - France

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

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By pissed - United States - Dearborn

Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML

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By Forded - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

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By DieTrying - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

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Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#664761 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:00

It's better than planning to leave and not getting a party to be honest.

By Luckster | 0

#664780 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:34

Welcome to the world of unemployment. Hopefully you can find a new job better than I can.

COMMENTS

By brianjman14 | 22

#664753 - Tuesday 10 November 2009 23:55

first from iPhone

Reply

Unregistered | 0

#664840 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 1:04

YDI for having a job instead of taking care of your kids

Reply

ohmygoodnex | 0

#664937 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 2:21

Who said the OP has children? Dipshit.

Reply

tjisnumbaone | 5

#665066 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:17

who said the guy has kids? and how do you know he did a bad job? you fucking dumbass, read before you write.

so was it a misunderstanding or did you really leave??

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#665409 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 8:17

Yes, read before you write. It's a woman.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#664761 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:00

It's better than planning to leave and not getting a party to be honest.

By Luckster | 0

#664780 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:34

Welcome to the world of unemployment. Hopefully you can find a new job better than I can.

By fatherpunk | 1

#664781 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:35

Bye OP.

By typohater | 0

#664783 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:35

First

By YDI_King | 0

#664786 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:37

YDI for sucking at your job

By Starfire22 | 5

#664799 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:42

so did you act surprised when they told you?

By turdburgers | 0

#664810 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:48

Waste all the expensive alcohol you can on their dime.

By allie2590 | 30

#664811 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:48

At least you got a party rather than just getting escorted to the door.

By perdix | 29

#664822 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:53

You get a lunch? I just get a foot in the ass!

Reply

perdix | 29

#665059 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:15

Oh, yeah, once I got a rock through my windshield, too. It was wrapped in a Restraining Order.