Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company... - FML

By jobless - 10/11/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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KoBabe

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Trip Advisor says no

By n_london - 12/10/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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By Stress - 6/2/2020 14:00 - Hong Kong - Central District

Very important note

Today, the teacher said the class today was very important and that we should take note. Instead of writing notes, I bought a recorder and brought it to class. After class, I listened to the recording and all I could hear was muffled voices. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

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By lanikai610 - 26/10/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By Fml24609 - 20/8/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king sized bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By sucksforme - 12/9/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 10:00

Today, I pretended to have a heart attack so my baby sister would know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she drank my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By oxbonxo - 7/2/2011 08:38 - Australia

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 16:00

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

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By ksamp - 12/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By wow - 16/5/2019 00:05

Another fine mess

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - 1/8/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By JadeDemolition - 24/8/2015 01:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

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By andimanastudent - 13/4/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door". I had forgotten about that option. FML

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By darkrebel01 - 21/4/2020 02:00

Caught in the act

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

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By -_- - 21/9/2017 16:00

Google Maps strikes again!

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

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By poisonivyretard - 4/6/2013 17:15 - United States - Narragansett

Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2019 12:00

Today, my older, temporary coworker comments every time I yawn, sneeze, cough, leave my desk to use the restroom, and on what I eat at lunch, laughing the whole time. It’s driving me crazy. Only 8 more weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 11:51 - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

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By Caeru - 21/6/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

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By Spiller - 17/11/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

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By stupid_world - 24/12/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I learned that while anybody can call me a bitch, my husband got mad at his aunt for calling our dog a mutt. FML

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By fuckinghicks - 30/12/2013 23:48 - United States

Today, while going on a jog through the countryside, I discovered that it is actually possible outside of crappy TV shows to have a rifle leveled at you, and to be shouted at to, "Get off my land." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By bethany - 3/11/2011 17:36 - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

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By amy - 30/6/2018 19:00

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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By Weezylover - 26/5/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2009 01:59 - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

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By bittersweet - 8/2/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2015 10:41 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 20:30 - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

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By merse - 18/2/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

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By nickorion12 - 28/6/2016 14:21 - United States - Shawnee

Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up catching the kitchen on fire. FML

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By notcool - 14/1/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#664761 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:00

It's better than planning to leave and not getting a party to be honest.

By Luckster | 0

#664780 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:34

Welcome to the world of unemployment. Hopefully you can find a new job better than I can.

COMMENTS

By brianjman14 | 22

#664753 - Tuesday 10 November 2009 23:55

first from iPhone

Reply

Unregistered | 0

#664840 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 1:04

YDI for having a job instead of taking care of your kids

Reply

ohmygoodnex | 0

#664937 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 2:21

Who said the OP has children? Dipshit.

Reply

tjisnumbaone | 5

#665066 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:17

who said the guy has kids? and how do you know he did a bad job? you fucking dumbass, read before you write.

so was it a misunderstanding or did you really leave??

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#665409 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 8:17

Yes, read before you write. It's a woman.

By FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#664761 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:00

It's better than planning to leave and not getting a party to be honest.

By Luckster | 0

#664780 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:34

Welcome to the world of unemployment. Hopefully you can find a new job better than I can.

By fatherpunk | 1

#664781 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:35

Bye OP.

By typohater | 0

#664783 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:35

First

By YDI_King | 0

#664786 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:37

YDI for sucking at your job

By Starfire22 | 5

#664799 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:42

so did you act surprised when they told you?

By turdburgers | 0

#664810 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:48

Waste all the expensive alcohol you can on their dime.

By allie2590 | 30

#664811 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:48

At least you got a party rather than just getting escorted to the door.

By perdix | 29

#664822 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 0:53

You get a lunch? I just get a foot in the ass!

Reply

perdix | 29

#665059 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 3:15

Oh, yeah, once I got a rock through my windshield, too. It was wrapped in a Restraining Order.