Work: Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker...

By humanshield - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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Work

Minefield

This ain't working out

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By anime_love - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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By BlueBallMcGee - United States

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and went directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

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By rockstarohyeah - United States

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

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By fuck you, dad - United States - Bellflower

Gotcha good

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

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By mylifesuckssss - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

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By Hailey Antone - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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By fatti11

Today, during an argument that he couldn't win, my boyfriend farted in a glass, covered it with his hand, ran to me, and let it go it right in front of my nose. FML

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By facingit - Australia

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

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By xo_lezz - United States

Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML

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200417

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By Inthedumps - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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By xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx - Singapore

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Chester

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By notacreep - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

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By bianca131 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By AML - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

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By carpusher - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Unhappy birthday

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

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1978

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By exfiancee - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By getajob - United States - Carmel

Today, while working security at a welfare office, I had to listen as a claimant gushed about her upcoming Caribbean cruise. I work two jobs and haven't had a vacation since 2006. FML

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By Bellagirl - United States

Sex talk

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By nicki - United States

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

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31389

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By "Marlon4136"

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

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By Marika - United States - San Francisco

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

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By lilsis - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

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By Girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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37582

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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By marshmallowssss - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Szeged

Today, while at church, I received a text from my girlfriend, saying, "It's not working. We're over." Not only was my phone not on silent mode, I was sitting directly beside my now ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

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By Ralph - United States - Candler

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

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By blargh - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML

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Top comments

By madison104 | 14

#6578314 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6578312 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

COMMENTS

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6578312 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

OptimusSlime | 23

#6578769 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 0:50

This is irrelevant but I love you profile picture

liane918 | 16

#6578844 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 4:59

#33 this is irrelevant but i hate your profile picture.

f$&#?ing creepy.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6578313 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

I mean, what are children for, really?

Danne696 | 14

#6578395 - Monday 11 April 2016 12:33

OP is just utilising their full potential.

NeatNit | 32

#6578667 - Monday 11 April 2016 21:24

This is why they make them.

By madison104 | 14

#6578314 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

By coming back in the future | 30

#6578316 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:40

Water bunch of hose. I'm sorry :(

grigri75 | 35

#6578318 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:43

i enjoyed that pun more than i should have.

Sansational_ | 18

#6578820 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 3:35

#5 retweet

By FuckThisLogin | 31

#6578319 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:45

Well at least you acted defensively instead of attacking back with what you were holding

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6578430 - Monday 11 April 2016 13:53

I definitely read it too fast at first and thought OP did. I imagined a kid flying through the air. XD

By kyu_Q | 19

#6578321 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:59

hopefully the child thought is was a game and isn't scarred for life.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6578327 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:08

If anyone brings it up just play it off as you were doing it intentionally and it was part of a game you were playing!

By kaylocca | 20

#6578336 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:20

Sheesh I live in New York which was freezing today and MA is usually colder than here so I hope the child wasn't too cold.. & the parent wasn't watching and mad.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6578357 - Monday 11 April 2016 10:21

Any parent getting mad at their kid getting wet when they are at swimming classes needs a new brain since the old one has clearly decayed beyond saving.

Calingaladha | 21

#6578505 - Monday 11 April 2016 16:23

It's likely an indoor pool also, as most outdoor ones don't open until Memorial Day or so.

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6578362 - Monday 11 April 2016 10:45

We are all glad to know you are not a soccer coach.

grogers311 | 20

#6578458 - Monday 11 April 2016 14:41

Or a paintball referee

AshleyLuvsFrank | 12

#6585243 - Thursday 21 April 2016 14:24

Lol

By Calingaladha | 21

#6578363 - Monday 11 April 2016 11:08

It seems children make for effective barrier protection. We can make use of this for cheaper and more efficient police armor, military gear, condoms, and umbrellas.