Work: Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker...

By humanshield - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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Work

Understandable

Commando

Rock, hard place

By nopanties - United States - Durham

Felt cute, might delete later

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

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By randomgirl - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally called my teacher "Babe". FML

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By Dweeb

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By cj123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

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By acapelladisaster - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

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By low_expectations - 18/10/2020 02:08 - United States - New York

Parental guilt

Today, my mother tried guilt-tripping me about coming home for the holidays by explaining that, “according to average life expectancy,” she and my father could be dead in the next 10-25 years. I’m already coming home for the holidays. She knows this. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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By mr_flarpin - United States - Stoneham

Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

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By LittleFriend

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

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By thoughtidseenitall - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By GiraffeLover - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

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By InPain

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

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1749

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By housepoor - United States

Today, I met with my realtor to close on a house for my boyfriend and me. While waiting for my boyfriend, I got a text message from him saying he was breaking up with me. I had already signed the papers on our house. Now I'm responsible for a mortgage that I can only afford with his help. FML

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By frenchgirl - United States

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn't seem to realize that I'm fluent in the language. He basically called me "ugly psycho bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lakeville

Cash me?

Today, working in a liquor store, I had to tell a girl I couldn't sell her alcohol since she was severely intoxicated. She told me to "cash me ousside, how bow dat?" then smashed a bottle of wine and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By not that kinda squirting

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

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By Highschoolsucks - 18/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Unexpected item

Today, I was hit in the head with a football during class. Spanish class. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By oaksac191 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

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By Satan'sChildren - United States - Oak Creek

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

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By SpongeAbii2 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

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By dumbass stereotypes - 25/3/2020 20:00

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

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2024

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By Declan - 4/12/2020 21:58 - United States - Miami

A case of Keemstar beard?

Today, I finally got my boyfriend to go get his lockdown beard trimmed. He came back with the kind of pointy monstrosity you see on people like Keemstar. I'm tempted to prune it in his sleep. FML

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561

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By TrulyYours - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockville

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

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By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/8/2020 17:02

Broke

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

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By sad-sexed - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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Top comments

By madison104 | 14

#6578314 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6578312 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

COMMENTS

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6578312 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

OptimusSlime | 23

#6578769 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 0:50

This is irrelevant but I love you profile picture

liane918 | 16

#6578844 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 4:59

#33 this is irrelevant but i hate your profile picture.

f$&#?ing creepy.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6578313 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

I mean, what are children for, really?

Danne696 | 14

#6578395 - Monday 11 April 2016 12:33

OP is just utilising their full potential.

NeatNit | 32

#6578667 - Monday 11 April 2016 21:24

This is why they make them.

By madison104 | 14

#6578314 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

By coming back in the future | 30

#6578316 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:40

Water bunch of hose. I'm sorry :(

grigri75 | 35

#6578318 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:43

i enjoyed that pun more than i should have.

Sansational_ | 18

#6578820 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 3:35

#5 retweet

By FuckThisLogin | 31

#6578319 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:45

Well at least you acted defensively instead of attacking back with what you were holding

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6578430 - Monday 11 April 2016 13:53

I definitely read it too fast at first and thought OP did. I imagined a kid flying through the air. XD

By kyu_Q | 19

#6578321 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:59

hopefully the child thought is was a game and isn't scarred for life.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6578327 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:08

If anyone brings it up just play it off as you were doing it intentionally and it was part of a game you were playing!

By kaylocca | 20

#6578336 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:20

Sheesh I live in New York which was freezing today and MA is usually colder than here so I hope the child wasn't too cold.. & the parent wasn't watching and mad.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6578357 - Monday 11 April 2016 10:21

Any parent getting mad at their kid getting wet when they are at swimming classes needs a new brain since the old one has clearly decayed beyond saving.

Calingaladha | 21

#6578505 - Monday 11 April 2016 16:23

It's likely an indoor pool also, as most outdoor ones don't open until Memorial Day or so.

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6578362 - Monday 11 April 2016 10:45

We are all glad to know you are not a soccer coach.

grogers311 | 20

#6578458 - Monday 11 April 2016 14:41

Or a paintball referee

AshleyLuvsFrank | 12

#6585243 - Thursday 21 April 2016 14:24

Lol

By Calingaladha | 21

#6578363 - Monday 11 April 2016 11:08

It seems children make for effective barrier protection. We can make use of this for cheaper and more efficient police armor, military gear, condoms, and umbrellas.