Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker...

By humanshield - 10/4/2016 16:49 - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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Work

Crowded House

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

The student becomes the master

By LoLWut?? nd Why?? - 16/4/2013 04:01 - United States

Today, I went to a library to return a book that I've had for years. After a heated discussion with the librarian, not only did she charge me over a hundred dollars for the book, she also called the cops to escort me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 04:23 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 02:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML

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By car trouble - 14/10/2016 08:12 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my dad refused to pick me up because he didn't want to get off the couch, so I had to walk for an hour and a half to get home. When I finally got home, my dad had gone out to pick my sister up from her friend's house. Her friend lives a 3-minute walk away. FML

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By quarterback - 23/1/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

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By JudasThePriest - 1/12/2013 07:42 - United States - Greensboro

Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML

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By francesa_loca - 14/10/2011 16:09 - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

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By not a cancerous pimple - 31/1/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

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By StudMuffinette - 18/7/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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By Hi, I'm Heather - 1/10/2014 02:05 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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By mpsteve137 - 30/6/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

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By anon - 20/6/2014 05:06 - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 22:36 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

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By Peter80 - 3/3/2009 14:55 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By lastalittlelonger - 5/12/2009 09:07 - United States

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By mandy_2480 - 19/2/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By BenFiggy - 21/4/2016 13:28 - United States - Brick

Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML

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By troubled - 2/1/2010 20:27 - France

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

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By CaoiiBieber - 17/7/2011 19:15 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By beyondembarrassed - 5/5/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By Ima_Moronski - 26/7/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

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By creepedoutlady - 16/8/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - 6/11/2015 22:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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By catslave - 17/9/2016 08:43 - New Zealand

Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML

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By workaholic - 6/3/2014 16:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2009 13:05 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriends birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am." FML

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By carless - 29/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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By shaifox96 - 17/4/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

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By Tallow101 - 23/7/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By Bad Child? - 8/4/2017 16:00

Today, as I was brushing my teeth, I heard my mum praying to God to help her "get rid of such a stupid child". I have no idea what I've done wrong, and she's refused to talk to me all day. FML

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By anlhawks - 10/9/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets (of our favorite band) for his birthday. I was expecting him to bring me since I gave them to him and I like the band too. He said, "Sweet, thanks, I'll call my friend now and see if he wants to go. Think you could give us a ride?" FML

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By divorcee - 6/9/2012 03:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 06:08 - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML

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By matte - 30/3/2009 12:16 - Australia

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

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By gingerwhinger - 5/8/2015 23:24 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 19:11 - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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Top comments

By madison104 | 14

#6578314 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6578312 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

Comments

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6578312 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

OptimusSlime | 23

#6578769 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 0:50

This is irrelevant but I love you profile picture

liane918 | 16

#6578844 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 4:59

#33 this is irrelevant but i hate your profile picture.

f$&#?ing creepy.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6578313 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

I mean, what are children for, really?

Danne696 | 14

#6578395 - Monday 11 April 2016 12:33

OP is just utilising their full potential.

NeatNit | 32

#6578667 - Monday 11 April 2016 21:24

This is why they make them.

By madison104 | 14

#6578314 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

By coming back in the future | 30

#6578316 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:40

Water bunch of hose. I'm sorry :(

grigri75 | 35

#6578318 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:43

i enjoyed that pun more than i should have.

Sansational_ | 18

#6578820 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 3:35

#5 retweet

By FuckThisLogin | 31

#6578319 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:45

Well at least you acted defensively instead of attacking back with what you were holding

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6578430 - Monday 11 April 2016 13:53

I definitely read it too fast at first and thought OP did. I imagined a kid flying through the air. XD

By kyu_Q | 19

#6578321 - Monday 11 April 2016 8:59

hopefully the child thought is was a game and isn't scarred for life.

By Magnoxidans | 19

#6578327 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:08

If anyone brings it up just play it off as you were doing it intentionally and it was part of a game you were playing!

By kaylocca | 20

#6578336 - Monday 11 April 2016 9:20

Sheesh I live in New York which was freezing today and MA is usually colder than here so I hope the child wasn't too cold.. & the parent wasn't watching and mad.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6578357 - Monday 11 April 2016 10:21

Any parent getting mad at their kid getting wet when they are at swimming classes needs a new brain since the old one has clearly decayed beyond saving.

Calingaladha | 21

#6578505 - Monday 11 April 2016 16:23

It's likely an indoor pool also, as most outdoor ones don't open until Memorial Day or so.

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6578362 - Monday 11 April 2016 10:45

We are all glad to know you are not a soccer coach.

grogers311 | 20

#6578458 - Monday 11 April 2016 14:41

Or a paintball referee

AshleyLuvsFrank | 11

#6585243 - Thursday 21 April 2016 14:24

Lol

By Calingaladha | 21

#6578363 - Monday 11 April 2016 11:08

It seems children make for effective barrier protection. We can make use of this for cheaper and more efficient police armor, military gear, condoms, and umbrellas.