Work: Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker...

By humanshield - 10/04/2016 16:49 - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 179

You deserved it 5 103

Work

Batman

You tried

I bet you're fun at parties

By lonely - 15/07/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 537

You deserved it 20 498

By joe - 08/08/2010 07:14 - United States

Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 731

You deserved it 8 310

It wasn't me

By Anonymous - 30/07/2013 17:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 561

You deserved it 3 591

By Anonymous - 22/01/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of a Suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 504

You deserved it 2 367

By Cammi0 - 02/06/2015 17:58 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 856

You deserved it 6 604

By for the whored - 18/12/2015 20:46 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 039

You deserved it 3 205

By ToothHurtyAM - 18/10/2018 05:00

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 145

You deserved it 833

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 16:32 - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 602

You deserved it 11 727

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 515

You deserved it 17 089

By Anonymous - 12/03/2014 06:39 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, my neighbor came over and yelled at me for traumatizing her kids. What did I do? Nothing. Her kids entered my back yard, dug up my 1-month-dead hamster and freaked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 831

You deserved it 3 416

By PJ - 05/01/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 482

You deserved it 34 998

By glittercat - 26/01/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 146

You deserved it 3 303

Snared

By drummerboy - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 773

You deserved it 2 195

By Anonymous - 26/12/2013 17:27 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 532

You deserved it 5 787

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 349

You deserved it 7 702

By coward - 03/10/2015 10:13 - United Kingdom

Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 711

You deserved it 2 006

By Anonymous - 07/05/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 620

You deserved it 7 157

By Chewy - 05/01/2010 10:45 - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 440

You deserved it 4 236

By Anonymous - 04/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 754

You deserved it 2 700

By Anonymous - 09/04/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 262

You deserved it 6 965

By just hangin - 17/01/2017 12:00

Today, as I was pulling wire for an addition to my boss's house, I was on a ladder drilling a hole when my coworker kicked the ladder out from under me and left me hanging from a rafter twenty feet in the air. To make matters worse, I had to pee. I'm now in my car with dead arms and wet pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 853

You deserved it 504

By wrongplacewrongtime - 22/02/2013 06:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 859

You deserved it 58 069

By that_culinary_degree_though - 13/05/2014 02:46 - United States - Auburn

Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 293

You deserved it 5 120

By MomStayOutOfTheCar - 04/08/2015 04:23 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for "suspicious driving" because my total shit of a mother kept tugging on the wheel to annoy me, and I still had to pay it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 925

You deserved it 2 011

By Anonymous - 06/08/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that the "nasty smell" in my room, which I cannot detect, does not exist. It was just my stepmother trying to make me go insane deep-cleaning my room for her personal amusement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 008

You deserved it 259

Everybody wants to be a cat

By azouwa - 29/07/2017 05:00

Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 830

You deserved it 480

By nerderer - 15/03/2015 14:57 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad decided that the best way to alleviate my crippling depression is to talk to me in a baby voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 830

You deserved it 3 324

By Anonymous - 03/07/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 586

You deserved it 3 456

By applesmama - 17/09/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 411

You deserved it 4 663

Jonah begs to differ

By JOTA - 07/10/2020 04:02 - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 336

By VCDUDE11FTW - 25/12/2014 09:13 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 517

You deserved it 16 260

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 2 540

By Anonymous - 20/03/2012 11:57 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 558

You deserved it 2 826

By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 892

You deserved it 2 453

By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 177

You deserved it 889

By dumpedovergame - 06/07/2009 10:51 - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 267

You deserved it 33 788

They are that good

By m…… - 22/08/2021 18:01

Today, my daughter cried because she went to Sonic and they were out of tater tots. When I say she cried, I mean actual tears fell from her eyes. She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 160

By me - 04/02/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 180

You deserved it 5 961

By TiredMommy - 20/04/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 502

You deserved it 425

Woman DESTROYS her sex life with FACTS and some sort of LOGIC

By Anonymous - 24/01/2021 22:59

Today, I'm horny as hell, but I'm such a germaphobe that I don't want to be touched by anyone else, and now, after looking in the mirror and seeing how disgusting I look, I can't even touch myself, not with a vibrator, my hand or a 10-foot pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 809

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Top comments

madison104 14

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

Sandsh8rk 36

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

Sandsh8rk 36

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

Well, that's one way to use a human shield.

OptimusSlime 23

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Tuesday 12 April 2016 0:50

This is irrelevant but I love you profile picture

liane918 16

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Tuesday 12 April 2016 4:59

#33 this is irrelevant but i hate your profile picture. f$&#?ing creepy.

hellnosucka 27

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:38

I mean, what are children for, really?

Danne696 14

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Monday 11 April 2016 12:33

OP is just utilising their full potential.

NeatNit 32

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Monday 11 April 2016 21:24

This is why they make them.

madison104 14

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:39

as a fellow swim instructor, I would've done the same

coming back in the future 30

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:40

Water bunch of hose. I'm sorry :(

grigri75 35

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:43

i enjoyed that pun more than i should have.

Sansational_ 18

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Tuesday 12 April 2016 3:35

#5 retweet

FuckThisLogin 31

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:45

Well at least you acted defensively instead of attacking back with what you were holding

yerawizardlizzy 27

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Monday 11 April 2016 13:53

I definitely read it too fast at first and thought OP did. I imagined a kid flying through the air. XD

kyu_Q 19

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Monday 11 April 2016 8:59

hopefully the child thought is was a game and isn't scarred for life.

Magnoxidans 19

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Monday 11 April 2016 9:08

If anyone brings it up just play it off as you were doing it intentionally and it was part of a game you were playing!

kaylocca 20

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Monday 11 April 2016 9:20

Sheesh I live in New York which was freezing today and MA is usually colder than here so I hope the child wasn't too cold.. & the parent wasn't watching and mad.

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 11 April 2016 10:21

Any parent getting mad at their kid getting wet when they are at swimming classes needs a new brain since the old one has clearly decayed beyond saving.

Calingaladha 21

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Monday 11 April 2016 16:23

It's likely an indoor pool also, as most outdoor ones don't open until Memorial Day or so.

ulissey_fml 22

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Monday 11 April 2016 10:45

We are all glad to know you are not a soccer coach.

grogers311 20

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Monday 11 April 2016 14:41

Or a paintball referee

AshleyLuvsFrank 12

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Thursday 21 April 2016 14:24

Lol

Calingaladha 21

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Monday 11 April 2016 11:08

It seems children make for effective barrier protection. We can make use of this for cheaper and more efficient police armor, military gear, condoms, and umbrellas.