Intimacy: Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking...

By bruisedego31 - 12/09/2012 21:58 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 536

You deserved it 33 158

Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Not a fan

Goddamn safety regulations!

By notateen - 13/11/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 042

You deserved it 4 011

By Samantha - 29/03/2009 03:14 - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 061

You deserved it 21 794

By anonymous - 14/09/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 797

You deserved it 4 493

Such a rewarding career

By DirtyNurse - 05/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 144

By Anonymous - 11/08/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 633

You deserved it 14 705

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 05:45 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend's mom doesn't wear pyjamas when I got up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, at the same time she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 010

You deserved it 3 389

By Marona - 16/04/2015 07:59 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, after a discussion, my boyfriend said, "I think it's time you found somebody better." After I gave him a look, he continued, "For me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 001

You deserved it 2 773

Sudarsky's gas giant classification

By leah - 06/02/2021 00:00 - United States - Denver

Today, despite not eating for a week, my digestive system is still overflowing with gas and I fart every 2 minutes. No medicines help, and the six doctors I’ve been to have not been able to find anything wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 87

Comeback

By Pinsky - 20/09/2021 01:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I walked in on the guy I called a cuck in high school going down on my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 1 671

By stun_zeed - 17/01/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 030

You deserved it 1 217

Ouch

By footbloodfountain - 15/01/2012 10:53 - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 150

You deserved it 6 704

Get a load of this nerd!

By Igballoon2 - 23/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 255

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 02:00

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 1 995

By sotired - 05/03/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 177

You deserved it 2 403

Workers rise up!

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 08:01 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I found out that, despite working 4 part-time jobs, that I will not qualify for maternity leave by my due date with the mandatory 600 hours. I can't get full-time work and I'm 8 months pregnant now. This'll be fun! FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 23/06/2019 16:18

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 882

You deserved it 479

By "1DisGR8" - 16/12/2018 09:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had the misfortune of getting my period during another exam. And yes, the male professor also noticed this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 441

You deserved it 325

By Anonymous - 04/08/2015 21:42 - United States - Utica

Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 073

You deserved it 2 697

By Anonymous - 08/11/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 401

You deserved it 36 805

Shut up

By brad3720 - 14/04/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. A six year-old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were, he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 455

You deserved it 7 524

Not this again

By Kurochrome - 18/07/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 195

You deserved it 3 511

By Bibi - 23/09/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 497

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 30/07/2016 17:45 - Mexico - Saltillo

Today, I now know how it feels to have a splinter of wood hammered a full inch underneath your fingernail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 639

You deserved it 1 035

By fml - 21/02/2015 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 318

You deserved it 2 616

By Crapper. - 16/09/2016 20:35 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 116

You deserved it 720

By trappedinmyownhome - 15/07/2015 02:11

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 442

You deserved it 2 818

Riverdale is a lie

By that1summergirl - 19/09/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 2 834

By cantgetabreak - 13/12/2016 18:50

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not finishing my work on time. Yesterday, she cut an hour from my schedule every day until further notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 005

You deserved it 542

By 4yrldkicker - 29/07/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 675

You deserved it 23 453

By cnd1213 - 30/12/2015 18:02 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 978

You deserved it 1 339

By thisentiretime... - 18/03/2013 20:30 - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 288

You deserved it 7 585

By mysea8679 - 12/06/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, whilst trying on wedding dresses with my mom, she told me that I looked fat and awful in the dress I liked. When I told her how hurtful she was being, she told me that I should be grateful that she told me what she thought instead of laughing at me behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 390

You deserved it 7 458

By snownerd - 03/11/2011 16:13 - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 734

You deserved it 39 593

By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 15:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 750

You deserved it 7 825

By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 225

You deserved it 3 563

End me

By Daniel_rules - 17/04/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 835

You deserved it 10 051

By comphone - 19/11/2008 08:00 - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 312

You deserved it 9 587

Too much Pornhub

By anouk05 - 15/10/2010 05:13 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend told me, "Don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 744

You deserved it 4 639

By SupportPage - 31/03/2015 13:41 - United States - Torrance

Today, I found out there's a support page on Facebook for people who have been "hurt" by me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 176

You deserved it 34 506

All over the place

By meowitzer - 22/04/2020 05:02

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 181

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Top comments

Charmillionaire 10

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:19

Walk up to her and say, "Does this look familiar?", then drop your pants.

challan 19

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:19

I bet you were a stallion, man! Orally satisfied her, rocked her world in several positions, and brought her to numerous orgasms. ummm... except you were drunk, so what really happened is you only got to half mast, came as you put the condom on, threw up on her bed and tripped over her cat as you tried to get to the bathroom. Well done.

annie_nk 22

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:15

Now you know to slow it down between drinks.

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:27

How can getting this drunk be fun? It can't be. You forget all the fun you had with really sexy people. Never over do it OP. It's no fun not remembering. Especially when you may or may not have been with a really got girl.

evilplatypus 38

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Thursday 13 September 2012 13:02

10 - I agree completely. I'm not one of those absolutists that say "never drink", but I firmly believe that you need to find your limit and stick within it. If you get drunk to the point of memory impairment, something is wrong with your self control.

Krajjan 9

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Friday 14 September 2012 21:34

Speaking as someone that suffers from crippling alcoholism (I quit drinking, but the addiction never dies) perhaps its time to, you know, reevaluate your idea of a good time, OP? If you can't help but get blackout drunk when drinking, especially over an entire weekend, you have a problem.

Bea_FaCurtains 17

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:15

If it's just a rumor then what's there to remember?

evilplatypus 38

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Thursday 13 September 2012 13:06

I couldn't find a single definition that says a rumor HAS to be false. OP got so drunk he can't remember if the rumor is true or not.

Charmillionaire 10

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:19

Walk up to her and say, "Does this look familiar?", then drop your pants.

RacistPancake 6

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:21

Genius!!!

BeachBoi_Alex 7

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Thursday 13 September 2012 14:39

Nah just ask to hang out with her and it'll happen again, and this time you can do it properly

klovely22 13

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Friday 14 September 2012 6:10

My favorite comment on Fml so far!

challan 19

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Thursday 13 September 2012 9:19

dreamering 16

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Thursday 13 September 2012 10:20

Being drunk and came fast? I really doubt that.

DuRpY 5

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Thursday 13 September 2012 10:28

Incidentally, the latter part of your comment is a fairly accurate description of how I spend most of my weekends, Challan. Or so I'm told. I dance to my own tune - it's who I am. I accept myself, and in that I find no shame.

cradle6 13

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Thursday 13 September 2012 15:09

Dreamering is actually right. If anything being drunk will prevent you from having an orgasm.

challan 19

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Thursday 13 September 2012 16:38

15- I find the admittance of such things refreshing and quite awesome. Almost enough to give you my number. Almost. 26- For some, whiskey dick can limit the sensation and make it hard to cum, indeed. However, Op will never know which way his went, and I was hoping mine, for the sake of the co-worker. Bad sex can only be topped by long bouts of bad sex.