Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML
Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML
Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML
Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML
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Top comments
Murn 0
That cat is a hero.
frenchmanfresh_fml 5
Genius cat !
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Comments (522)
kaileigh10 2
YDI for not getting your cat declawed!
love_me_electric 20
So you think the OP deserves it because he didn't cut off the tips of his cat's toes? You're disgusting.
Sammara 0
Getting cats declawed can lead to even bigger problems, especially if the cat is older when you declaw. I'm talking major personality changes, and usually not for the better. Not all cats, but enough for it to not be worth it. Many shelters won't even let you adopt if you plan to declaw.
Nnmmbb9 0
I dont have to kill the cat. We are still argueing how much I have to pay
zeta_pangolin 1
the cat probably wanted to dance the masochism tango
trivlove 0
omfg, dude, u should leave w/ the cat & make her get stuck w/ the bill. p.s. that guy totally deserves to get his balls cut lmfao
musicman2059 0
If I ever get married, I want your cat.
varkey 7
wtf? you have to kill your cat? that's so stupid... fight it or hide the cat (discreetly give it to someone you trust completely like a relative)...
dayday14_fml 4
EPIC.
whiteboy84 0
keep the cat man : (
DelphiCat 17
i severely doubt anyone would make you put the cat down, the only reason dogs get put down for biteing is that a dog is actually capable of killing a person... a common domestic cat cant, in any way.... dumbass
NiceGuy1988 0
If she cheated she has to pay for the court cost. Don't put down the hero, give it to a friend for awhile and say it ran away. People who are saying put down the wife are stupid. Yes it hurts that she cheated on you but jumping to murder is crazy. It's rediculous how many people thinking beating a woman or killing another human being is a good idea.