Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML
Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML
Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML
Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML
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Top comments
Murn 0
That cat is a hero.
frenchmanfresh_fml 5
Genius cat !
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Comments (522)
NiceGuy1988 0
My gf has pure evil in cat form as well. I wish they weren't cute because maybe then I could completely hate them lol
Lizz7 0
That was so terrible it made me laugh. . .
H3ALTHFR3AK 0
hopefully your now ex-wife has to share the bill. if u were married, it wasn't just YOUR cat.
wreckfish1 0
say it came out in the cats crap and u threw it in the garbage and hrs in the junk yard
MichelleAlex 0
it was a self defense thing for the cat get a lawyer and point out your so called wife was messing around and she will have to pay and you can keep your cat
deven329 1
thats wat u get for having a cat...
specialagentstev 4
Take him to court and divorce your wife!
RiahDawn 0
That is ridiclus(yes i cant spell). OP DO NOT put down your cat and file for a divorce.
freefrog 0
I like you cat but i pike #283's idea of giving your dear friend to another friend for a bit. And do it fast so it doesn't look suspitious! Don't let the hero die! God i hate movies like that.
itsssarahjane 0
wow. :-/