Kids: Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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Kids

The smell detective is on the case

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Join in the fun

By howtobesingle - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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By badplacerightnow - United States - Frisco

Celebrate good times come on!

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

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By missbrit - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

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By tripleBBB

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By disappointed - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

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By uofpalum - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

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By BrefODM - United Kingdom

Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By you're just creepy. - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

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By Fairy31 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By Naomi - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

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By Stepheroni

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

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By Joseph - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 02:01

Billy no-mates

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

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By ponyboy - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she suspected me of cheating. She thought I was cheating because she caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night. I was sneaking out to plan my proposal to her. FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

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By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By Ihatebuses

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

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By lehonj49 - Australia - Burwood

Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML

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By Amaaaaaaaaaanda - 17/2/2021 00:30

The Based Family

Today, my temporarily unemployed husband had a brain wave. I'm five months pregnant and we have a 4-year-old. He thinks we should start a family vlog on YouTube, so we can get rich. I hate those awful family vlogs with a passion. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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By baconandkittens - United States

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

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By icyrebel25 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

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44868

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

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By 3somer

Ménage à nope

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

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3822

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By hoho5191 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By whyyyyy - 17/5/2020 23:00

Subjective

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

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By Patoose - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I had surgery done to fix an ingrown toenail. When the doctor started cutting the nail, my toe wasn't entirely frozen. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I met some of my boyfriend's family for the first time. His aunt said I was really cute, which made me happy. As we were leaving I said "Your aunt thought I was cute." His reply..."Yeah, well, my aunt's on drugs". FML

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Top comments

By DncrHap | 9

#1115640 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:06

well, maybe they already decided who gets who, and now it's down to the dog?

By nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1115680 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:12

I hear you on that one...My parents are getting a divorce and are acting ridiculous.

COMMENTS

By txgirl2013 | 14

#1115638 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:06

ewww what else is in your cat?

jade567 | 0

#1115661 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:09

wrong fml.

im_ossim | 0

#1115708 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:18

fail.

Rawr_Doodle | 0

#1116481 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 0:02

LMFAO!!

Jennifra | 0

#1116541 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 0:23

Haha

By DncrHap | 9

#1115640 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:06

well, maybe they already decided who gets who, and now it's down to the dog?

By punjabi44 | 0

#1115669 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:10

Your just not as special as a dog

jakymoon | 0

#1119105 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 11:36

14 FTW

gingaa96 | 18

#5922146 - Tuesday 22 April 2014 1:21

Thanks, dick.

By nerdsgetmehot | 22

#1115680 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:12

I hear you on that one...My parents are getting a divorce and are acting ridiculous.

radmuffin | 12

#1120778 - Thursday 22 July 2010 0:56

Lol nice username #7

By FarSide | 22

#1115682 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:13

Its easy to have another child. But finding another best friend...

By ismokepot | 0

#1115687 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:14

hahahaha!!
u must be worthless in their eyes!!

By Ace_of_Diamonds | 0

#1115689 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:14

dogs are cheaper so they want him.

By whostolemylama | 12

#1115724 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:21

lawl there's a reason for everything

ByteCarter97 | 0

#2962248 - Sunday 24 July 2011 3:39

Except literary inadequacy. And I*

By OliviaNicole | 5

#1115737 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:24

Maybe the dog doesnt bitch back at them like you do (: All in all, I'm sorry OP. But suck it up and quit being a little princess.

By XZero_fml | 0

#1115745 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:27

maybe they already know that they're sharing custody OP. in other words there's no reason to be upset.

DncrHap | 9

#1115792 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 23:40

mumble grumble i said that first mumble grumble.
:p

XZero_fml | 0

#1117211 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 2:50

ummmmm the FML app doesn't show every comment. didn't see yours. sorry lol.

PurpleLlamas | 0

#1118417 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 8:14

14 your a fucking bitch. if your parents get divorced i hope niether of them want you you bitch.