Miscellaneous: Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while...

By Emily - 01/08/2012 05:44 - Canada - Baden

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 767

You deserved it 3 274

Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

The patriarchy rules

No sex, lots of violins

By Anonymous - 17/04/2016 17:27 - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 221

You deserved it 1 669

By Anonymous - 04/02/2016 22:19

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 207

You deserved it 2 553

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 680

You deserved it 3 968

By Anonymous - 27/04/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 924

You deserved it 9 294

Are you sure you're OK?

By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298

You deserved it 1 694

The new economy

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 19:58 - Germany

Today, I have so little faith in my future earning potential that I keep my clipped toe and fingernails as a nest egg. I heard that some weirdos on the internet actually pay money for those. FML

I agree, your life sucks 640

You deserved it 853

By Somessedup - 09/09/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. My boss made that call and just fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 936

You deserved it 4 585

By Anonymous - 16/03/2016 01:19 - Canada - Canal Flats

Today, a little girl locked all the stalls in the girls' bathroom where I work and crawled under the doors. I then had to crawl around on the bathroom floor in order to unlock the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 354

You deserved it 1 271

By Sean - 09/09/2013 21:04 - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 800

You deserved it 2 988

By baddriver - 31/01/2012 17:17 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 979

You deserved it 24 501

By Anonymous - 05/04/2015 12:27 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 384

You deserved it 3 223

By rbates - 25/07/2009 18:32 - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 753

You deserved it 60 323

You're in the army. Now.

By Alex - 18/07/2021 13:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, somebody stole approximately 2000$ worth of army gear from me, which I have to pay for because my leadership didn't care about replacing my room key. My leadership is going to blame me for it in the end, and treat me worse because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 104

Wake up call

By das_shizzle - 05/05/2020 23:00

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 276

You deserved it 238

By shewantsmedead - 26/01/2017 18:00

Today, I ran into my mother-in-law, who I absolutely can't stand, with my car at 5mph by accident. She jumped out in front of me after a particularly nasty argument, but my husband won't believe me and neither will the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 988

You deserved it 555

By LockedOut - 25/07/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 354

You deserved it 14 942

By Anonymous - 28/07/2009 17:25 - Belgium

Today, I went to see a movie. While buying tickets, the girl behind the counter asked to show my ID card to proof I'm at least 16 years old. Not wanting to make a drama, I showed it. She took a look at it and declared it as fake. That ID is real and I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 945

You deserved it 3 322

By PlsForget - 18/08/2016 21:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 601

You deserved it 1 278

By Anonymous - 24/12/2013 17:19 - United States - Lake Ariel

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 024

You deserved it 4 026

By Anonymous - 07/09/2014 15:55 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 266

You deserved it 3 805

By spoony - 19/01/2009 05:32 - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 361

You deserved it 3 024

Get where you can!

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 02:14 - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 326

You deserved it 9 753

By Lorena - 21/04/2012 19:26 - United States - Kapolei

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 018

You deserved it 3 212

By Anonymous - 25/04/2013 15:10 - Canada - Midland

Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, internet dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 816

You deserved it 15 303

By keenan - 19/09/2010 23:55 - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 965

You deserved it 5 179

By StudMuffinette - 18/07/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 176

You deserved it 2 962

By innocent cat lady - 07/07/2015 18:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 128

You deserved it 2 450

By Anonymous - 14/03/2014 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 128

You deserved it 6 045

By Vanessa8221 - 26/06/2018 14:30 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes co-workers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 879

You deserved it 619

By OMGraven - 19/02/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 616

You deserved it 3 578

By noshow - 11/12/2014 05:44 - United States - Richardson

Today, it's the last night before a concert. Today is also the day my brother pawned my clarinet for drug money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 967

You deserved it 2 558

Check your head

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 20:00

Today, I had a real coffee again after being sick for two weeks. It didn't taste so good, though. Just like the one I had yesterday. Well, I thought, maybe my taste has changed? Maybe I just need to get used to it again? No, it was just that the milk had gone bad three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 845

Bad tipper, good shitter

By kmctl - 20/05/2015 18:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 939

You deserved it 1 986

By Anonymous - 17/09/2017 01:30

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 978

You deserved it 258

By sadmama - 23/02/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 658

You deserved it 317

By BeachBummer - 21/04/2018 19:00

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 911

You deserved it 614

By Damnit - 25/12/2018 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today I noticed a large crack in my windscreen. 2 weeks after getting it replaced. The warranty doesn't cover cracks. Several attempts were needed to replace it last time for reasons like losing the new windscreen and telling me they can't make it that day and turning up any way after going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 967

You deserved it 160

By JSeth - 04/07/2009 16:52 - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 593

You deserved it 10 125

By sigh - 30/08/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . Offended, I go to get off. 'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 576

You deserved it 5 393

By Shelbitchh - 28/07/2011 09:11 - United States

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 623

You deserved it 5 347

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Top comments

palahniukpaul 6

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:04

Sleep picking?

sunnyt 5

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:06

Having dreams about the Olympics? 'Digging' for the gold? >:)

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:04

Find him and delete him. I really mean him and not just the video.

KrazieKleo 13

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:08

Why? Seriously because he wants to post the video on Facebook - which is slightly wrong- doesn't mean she needs to delete him from facebook or whatever you implied...

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:13

Somebody doesnt understand metaphors...or sarcasm...or one with a dark/nerdy sense of humor.

HonestTruth 5

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:14

Yeah, I delete people all the time.

MineIsBigger 5

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:18

delete=destroy=kill=funny=lmao=thumbs up from me

SitOnMyLapNiece 1

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:20

thumbs up from me as well. that shit was funny. too bad the humor was lost on some douche who has no sense of it.

reject214 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:55

You sir, are a moron!

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:11

For clarification, since none of you seem to understand... They were joking about leaving him, not deleting him from your friend list, or killing him.

silbot 11

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 15:34

It's alright OP, you're a woman. There's something necessary for his survival that you can deprive him of if he does post it on Facebook.

palahniukpaul 6

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:04

Sleep picking?

brittanyxo17 0

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:22

I'd get even.

zandalee 19

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:52

Me too. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Mwahahah

zandalee 19

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:09

2- your picture totally made me smile! :)

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 14:11

28- If revenge is sweet, but best served cold, my deduction is that revenge is ice cream of some sort.

zandalee 19

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 14:40

Yep Kendall its hokey-pokey ice-cream. Delicious but deadly on teeth...

Screwie 25

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:05

If you don't notice, how do you clean your fingers while you're asleep?

lonkite101 14

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 14:26

Why would you clean your fingers?

duckiegirl21 10

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Thursday 2 August 2012 4:30

She eats them.

sunnyt 5

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:06

Having dreams about the Olympics? 'Digging' for the gold? >:)

teyyoshi 19

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:50

#4, you mean gold digger?

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:08

27- You've never heard that term for picking your nose? I've heart it called digging for gold or treasure. C:

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 14:08

*heard

lonkite101 14

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 14:28

How is digging for gold an Olympic sport?

lonkite101 14

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 14:33

Oh sorry you meant gold medal sorry.. Thumb down my comment. ;(

drunkandfml 11

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:06

Film him doing something bad, and sees how he likes it

XKXKKXK 10

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:44

I don't understand how this is a bad thing. That seems like a real talent you have there.

Tophatz98 5

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:06

Delete the video. Problem solved

drunkandfml 11

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:08

If it was that easy, OP wouldn't have posted it on FML

emilyjgraham 34

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:28

has anyone noticed it said he WANTS to post it on Facebook? not has... at least he's being decent ish and not doing it against her wishes!

DustynSexton324 2

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 20:20

He can take it again genius!

MisterFML123 1

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 20:59

I bet she's pretty scared though!!

saywhaat12 2

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Thursday 2 August 2012 14:07

Ur like 12. Delete yourself. Problem Solved.

mzmush 2

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:07

Video tape him on the toilet and see if he puts your video up

HelloGuys 4

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:28

Thats just nasty

B3Y0ND 3

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 13:36

23- Totally read that in Cleveland's voice...

emilyjgraham 34

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 18:26

41, I think that was the whole point of the post.

ImmaB3AST 7

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:10

Just get him really drunk and video tape him doing something stupid.

sweetly1120 6

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:10

What are you waiting for? Attack the guy and delete it before your life is ruined.

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 15:03

Life is ruined? A bit over dramatic, yeah?

sweetly1120 6

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Thursday 2 August 2012 1:45

I was obviously being dramatic on purpose

AlexaWuzHere 31

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:12

Say no. If he respects your privacy, he won't post it.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 642

You deserved it 144

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 91

Are you sure you're OK?

The new economy

You're in the army. Now.

Wake up call

Get where you can!

Check your head

Bad tipper, good shitter

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