Money: Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk...

By Noname - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

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20389

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Money

Triage

Clean break

Get the message, dude

By thanksdad - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML

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21803

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29489

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By whasian - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41816

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By rholt - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

I agree, your life sucks

50365

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By Foosa801 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7265

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13381

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1736

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By whymomwhy - United States - Salem

Today, my mother talked shit about me to the cat while I was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27260

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48022

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31938

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By jnp414 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13434

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Itaja?

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

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22849

You deserved it

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By greattt - United States

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30096

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By faitesdesgosses - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48037

You deserved it

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By CollegeStudent

Today, after being excited and trying to make plans with all my friends, they all turned out to be busy. After watching Netflix most of the night, I check my Snapchat stories only to see them all hanging out without me at one of their houses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11242

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By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00

Not all heroes…

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1701

You deserved it

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5457

You deserved it

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By Massasam - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10735

You deserved it

41815

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

476

You deserved it

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By Lulu

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4003

You deserved it

674

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By CyberPsycho - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12058

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25847

You deserved it

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By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17328

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Ceska

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

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15475

You deserved it

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By AngelAshley - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

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8534

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

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36655

You deserved it

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By givingup - United States

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

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35788

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

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75145

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By Yoooooo0 - United States

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42935

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8725

You deserved it

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36748

You deserved it

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By Ooops - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1157

You deserved it

520

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By Morrowindwhore - United Kingdom

Today, a friend of mine was talking about how he'd spent over 30 hours on Call of Duty. I piped up and said "Oh yeah! Well I've spent well over 300 hours on Morrowind! Beat that!" To which he replied, "I've had sex. Beat that!" I couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25749

You deserved it

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By WTF? - United States - Mesa

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54216

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By eliteslayer29 - United States

Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was "labtop." I didn't learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she's 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8437

You deserved it

42778

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By gottacatchemall - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66678

You deserved it

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By catcraze - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42820

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34520

You deserved it

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By somerandomchick - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66783

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Clinton

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

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25973

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Top comments

By Seegtease | 0

#4828 - Saturday 21 February 2009 10:39

For those of you who think the mother was "wrong" to do that: It's her money. She has no obligation to pay, and if I found out that this lousy behavior and irresponsibility was happening on my funds, you bet he'd get no more funding.

Totally deserved.

By Kisharu | 0

#4708 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:53

Wow. That's GOTTA suck. But, that's what happens when you use weed.

COMMENTS

By Kisharu | 0

#4708 - Saturday 21 February 2009 3:53

Wow. That's GOTTA suck. But, that's what happens when you use weed.

JSskater | 0

#1685108 - Friday 12 November 2010 3:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

spikeisfat | 6

#5092643 - Monday 29 October 2012 4:45

Looks like we gotta badass over here!

spikeisfat | 6

#5092650 - Monday 29 October 2012 4:47

Looks like we got a badass over here!

RpiesSPIES | 27

#5382228 - Monday 25 February 2013 6:29

#121 Well we can see English is the missing 0.2

LosAngelesGalaxy | 7

#5571549 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 2:56

You have a 3.8 GPA and can't use proper grammar?

xerbrus | 14

#5850682 - Friday 7 February 2014 1:08

that's because gpa scores don't mean shit

henryzm | 7

#6569961 - Tuesday 29 March 2016 16:32

You're*

iceyluv | 9

#6657032 - Monday 25 July 2016 4:02

I have been smoking marijuana daily for over a year and have never been reckless. Drinking alcohol does that. so your comment should say " That's what happens when you get drunk."

By bobdole | 0

#4724 - Saturday 21 February 2009 4:34

hahhahaha. time for community college.

By pogostick_fml | 2

#4733 - Saturday 21 February 2009 5:16

Your mom's overreacting.

FlyMeAway | 2

#5064761 - Sunday 21 October 2012 8:30

Not really. Her son (or daughter) is spending his college time drinking and getting high instead of studying.
I'm not saying you can't have fun in college, but OP shouldn't be doing weed or drinking (unless he's of age where he is and it's legal)

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#4735 - Saturday 21 February 2009 5:27

good one, stooopid.

why would you call your mom? of all the people? come on.

nnnntr | 17

#5964669 - Wednesday 4 June 2014 2:10

It was a drunk dial

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#4742 - Saturday 21 February 2009 5:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

biwinning88 | 1

#2561353 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 9:06

yes they did they said they "were so high"

Knightchaser27 | 25

#5480802 - Monday 6 May 2013 15:49

Are you in college?

By tiger69 | 0

#4745 - Saturday 21 February 2009 5:46

im terrified that i will do that one day

Kalhenwrath | 13

#6660868 - Friday 29 July 2016 22:57

easiest way to prevent that is to leave your phone at home when you go out partying

By uncletom_fml | 0

#4750 - Saturday 21 February 2009 6:18

sounds like she got the final ha ha on that one. i'll bet you'll be turning your phone off during future binge drinking adventures.

By arms_akimbo | 0

#4779 - Saturday 21 February 2009 7:47

Nice to see that all that schooling is paying off, eh?

By ridiculous_gnome | 0

#4787 - Saturday 21 February 2009 8:13

That kind of crazy paranoid does not come from alcohol or weed... but say you were drunk and tired that they will relax...

btw... why the hell do you call your mum when you're high?? where were your friends to stop you from doing that crap?? should b "today i woke up and realized that my friends dont give a crap to me, fml"

By greenman_fml | 0

#4810 - Saturday 21 February 2009 9:39

dude the KGB is serious shit. i'd be scared