Money: Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk... - FML

20/02/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I drunk dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she's no longer paying for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 396

You deserved it 124 861

Good kid

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Family issues

24/08/2019 20:00

Today, I purchased a rather expensive, self-cleaning litter box for my 4 cats. Now they're shitting outside of the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 331

Bye bye

By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 955

09/05/2014 17:24 - United States - Tecumseh

Today, the creepy kid who sits behind me in English class decided that sniffing my hair wasn't disturbing enough for his liking, so he tried something new: popping one of the pimples on my neck. When I reacted in horror, all he could say was, "It looked pretty..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 737

You deserved it 4 729

27/08/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 395

You deserved it 6 635

20/07/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 263

You deserved it 8 486

01/12/2016 18:22

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 436

You deserved it 9 717

25/05/2019 02:00

Today, I saw my dad driving our red Dakota, and I thought it would be funny to tail him around town. It wasn't until I saw cop lights flashing in my rear-view mirror that I remembered that we'd given away our red truck. I'd scared an old lady so badly that she called the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 2 530

24/06/2009 09:59 - United States

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 166

You deserved it 2 977

22/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that the seeds of the Cherimoya fruit are toxic. I found out by eating the entire fruit, including all seeds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 348

You deserved it 994

24/10/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I was at work, when I got bored and started spinning around in my chair for a little fun. As I was spinning, I went to grab my phone. I missed and sent my phone flying, hitting my coworker in the face. My boss witnessed the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 011

You deserved it 37 587

28/11/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 967

You deserved it 10 573

10/10/2012 17:38 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, my roommate set her extremely loud alarm clock for 5am and continued to hit the snooze button every ten minutes until 7:30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 913

You deserved it 1 996

06/05/2011 07:25

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 717

You deserved it 7 142

TMI FML

By Anonymous - 03/08/2014 17:36 - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 011

You deserved it 4 414

20/10/2016 10:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 393

You deserved it 1 150

26/06/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 941

You deserved it 6 601

15/08/2011 16:20 - United States

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 122

You deserved it 13 003

07/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 329

You deserved it 2 922

Sounds like a keeper

By Anonymous - 11/04/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 708

You deserved it 11 850

21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 654

You deserved it 2 952

19/01/2011 03:40 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 779

You deserved it 3 157

15/08/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 072

You deserved it 6 453

23/02/2011 16:04 - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 483

You deserved it 5 903

13/09/2010 06:49 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 133

You deserved it 3 292

01/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 244

You deserved it 1 529

19/10/2009 07:10 - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 694

You deserved it 3 392

28/04/2017 00:00

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 315

You deserved it 304

06/01/2014 21:32 - Australia

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 669

You deserved it 7 465

Wakey wakey

By fuuuuck - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 301

You deserved it 25 123

01/05/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 826

You deserved it 13 642

16/09/2013 21:03 - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 534

You deserved it 3 492

Classic

By Anonymous - 05/07/2021 01:59

Today, my boyfriend introduced me as a friend to one of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 98

Narcissistic mom strikes again

By Anonymous - 18/06/2021 19:01 - United States - Steele

Today, my mother told me that I "should have never had children" after I sided with my son when he yelled at her for talking too loudly. I have hyperacusis, and my son has sensory deprivation disorder. My mom knows this, and blames it on her friends who are hard of hearing. Nothing is ever her fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 129

07/10/2012 23:39 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my right ear drum ruptured. My family doesn't understand that I only lost hearing in one ear and continues to talk about me behind my back, thinking I can't hear them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 571

You deserved it 1 642

14/11/2016 03:20

Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 278

You deserved it 1 186

Go to a doctor

By norelaxtime - 20/04/2021 08:00 - United States - Lexington

Today, I spent all day on the toilet trying to pee and when I did, very little would come out. I would stand up, sit on the couch then go back to the toilet. I have been going to the bathroom around 30 times, including last night trying to fall asleep. Worst day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 71

Team breaking

By Anonymous - 13/05/2020 02:00

Today, I went on a work team-building day at a snow park. Thirty minutes in, while I was climbing out of a slide, my 210 lb coworker ploughed into me in a donut ring. He obliterated my ankle and I've now got three months in a cast to look forward to. So much for the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 443

You deserved it 119

05/10/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 645

You deserved it 32 810

07/08/2013 16:34 - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 777

You deserved it 5 408

31/07/2012 14:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 428

You deserved it 2 510

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Saturday 21 February 2009 10:39

For those of you who think the mother was "wrong" to do that: It's her money. She has no obligation to pay, and if I found out that this lousy behavior and irresponsibility was happening on my funds, you bet he'd get no more funding. Totally deserved.

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Saturday 21 February 2009 3:53

Wow. That's GOTTA suck. But, that's what happens when you use weed.

Comments

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Saturday 21 February 2009 3:53

Wow. That's GOTTA suck. But, that's what happens when you use weed.

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Friday 12 November 2010 3:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 29 October 2012 4:45

Looks like we gotta badass over here!

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Monday 29 October 2012 4:47

Looks like we got a badass over here!

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Monday 25 February 2013 6:29

#121 Well we can see English is the missing 0.2

LosAngelesGalaxy 7

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Tuesday 9 July 2013 2:56

You have a 3.8 GPA and can't use proper grammar?

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Friday 7 February 2014 1:08

that's because gpa scores don't mean shit

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Tuesday 29 March 2016 16:32

You're*

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Monday 25 July 2016 4:02

I have been smoking marijuana daily for over a year and have never been reckless. Drinking alcohol does that. so your comment should say " That's what happens when you get drunk."

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Saturday 21 February 2009 4:34

hahhahaha. time for community college.

pogostick_fml 2

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Saturday 21 February 2009 5:16

Your mom's overreacting.

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Sunday 21 October 2012 8:30

Not really. Her son (or daughter) is spending his college time drinking and getting high instead of studying. I'm not saying you can't have fun in college, but OP shouldn't be doing weed or drinking (unless he's of age where he is and it's legal)

blah_blah_shity 0

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Saturday 21 February 2009 5:27

good one, stooopid. why would you call your mom? of all the people? come on.

nnnntr 17

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Wednesday 4 June 2014 2:10

It was a drunk dial

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Saturday 21 February 2009 5:40

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 25 May 2011 9:06

yes they did they said they "were so high"

Knightchaser27 25

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Monday 6 May 2013 15:49

Are you in college?

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Saturday 21 February 2009 5:46

im terrified that i will do that one day

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Friday 29 July 2016 22:57

easiest way to prevent that is to leave your phone at home when you go out partying

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Saturday 21 February 2009 6:18

sounds like she got the final ha ha on that one. i'll bet you'll be turning your phone off during future binge drinking adventures.

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Saturday 21 February 2009 7:47

Nice to see that all that schooling is paying off, eh?

ridiculous_gnome 0

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Saturday 21 February 2009 8:13

That kind of crazy paranoid does not come from alcohol or weed... but say you were drunk and tired that they will relax... btw... why the hell do you call your mum when you're high?? where were your friends to stop you from doing that crap?? should b "today i woke up and realized that my friends dont give a crap to me, fml"

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Saturday 21 February 2009 9:39

dude the KGB is serious shit. i'd be scared

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 122

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 136