Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised... - FML

By oh, shit...... - 2/2/2016 20:27 - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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Fashion Police

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

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By ev_lyn_aw - 17/5/2017 04:00

Today, today while walking my dog in a different part of town, a man ran screaming out of his house, and threw a plastic bag at me. It was dog poop. It was the first time I'd ever walked in front of his house with my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 12:04 - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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By FishStampede - 16/5/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By PartTimePrincess - 10/9/2013 14:56 - United States

Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to sky dive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML

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By sorethumb - 15/12/2015 23:39 - United Kingdom - Bookham

Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML

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By fuuuuck - 28/11/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By Luckless - 23/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm preparing my defense for allegedly stalking someone at work. The best part, I have absolutely no clue who it is. Now my skin is crawling as I go through all the messages and in person events that occurred with my actual twice-my-age stalker to show my boss what a real stalker does. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 18:45 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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By Alex - 7/10/2010 10:10 - United States

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

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By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By BrokeAndPsst - 12/4/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML

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By Urgghh - 16/5/2013 21:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By fack - 29/7/2015 14:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

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By csor027 - 29/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, I was having a good talk with a coworker and I was excited that I've made my first friend at work. After sharing some stories and some laughs he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said I do. He asked if I was always faithful, I said I was. He then walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 15:06 - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

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By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By bathroomseww - 12/5/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - 5/9/2015 05:56 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 10:01

Bonjour!

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

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By anonymous - 10/1/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

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By Matthew - 4/7/2018 22:30

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

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By julieseattle - 28/10/2019 18:00

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

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By Badatlife - 23/6/2014 16:19 - Australia - Kellyville

Today, a guy at work pulled me aside to tell me that I probably shouldn't be working a job where I have to interact with customers, because of my autism. I don't have autism. FML

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By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 06:55 - United States - Evansville

Today, my girlfriend announced to everyone at dinner that she was no longer a virgin. This was news to everyone: her parents, siblings, best friend, and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring? - 23/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By TheIrony - 19/7/2016 21:50 - United States

Today, while driving I saw a police car riding along next to me. Thinking about the news recently, I decided to give him a quick thumbs up and a smile to lighten up his day. He looks back, smiles, flips on his siren, and pulls me over for not paying attention to the road. FML

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By . - 16/10/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML

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By FromNL - 25/3/2011 12:22 - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

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By ashley_skillz06 - 24/1/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef is throwing food at us, I'm getting ready for my turn. He tosses the piece of broccoli at me, I lean back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

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By wtfkasey - 25/6/2015 05:30 - Canada - Dundas

Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 14:26

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 02:35 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I fell off my boyfriend's motorcycle. I had a few scrapes and bruises, and my boyfriend called for an ambulance as a precaution. The paramedics managed to drop me on my head. FML

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By Ace - 21/5/2014 21:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

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By OwMyBalls - 12/2/2012 06:17

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

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Top comments

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6527412 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:51

I hate when people decide to be total douches when it'd take the same amount of effort to be decent human beings.

By Miss_Whipped | 43

#6527408 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:47

At least you found them! Better a little unsanitary than nonexistent.

COMMENTS

By Miss_Whipped | 43

#6527408 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:47

At least you found them! Better a little unsanitary than nonexistent.

Reply

Danne696 | 14

#6527498 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 13:06

In regards to that I'm curious as to what got OP to look for them in that place.

Reply

LittleRed79 | 39

#6527607 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 17:38

Could be that OP had stopped looking for their keys and started looking for a toilet at that particular moment. When you gotta go, you gotta go...whether or not you've located missing items.

By BeautifulChaos27 | 37

#6527410 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:48

Well somebody at that gym clearly doesn't like you

Reply

cprad11 | 12

#6527487 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:47

Not necessarily. It could just be a random asshole who thinks putting someone's belongings in a toilet is good fun.

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6527812 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 23:56

I'm sorry, but I can't resist. Somethings's rotten in the state of Denmark. If someone thought they were being funny, the keys would be in an easier place like the trash, instead of in a toilet. The bundle of keys being in the toilet implies something that someone feels about OP.

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6527412 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:51

I hate when people decide to be total douches when it'd take the same amount of effort to be decent human beings.

Reply

deathstroke990 | 22

#6527418 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:58

????

Reply

nonsensical | 26

#6527563 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 15:54

My first thought was maybe they fell out of his pocket when he was on the toilet? It would explain how he knew to look there!

By abbyade | 21

#6527413 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:51

You found them, be happy even though it's not the thing to do..dipping your hands in a public toilet

By GAeroNKissR | 26

#6527422 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:01

any chance they slid out of your own pocket into the toilet? Either way...that's horrid. I hope the bathroom at least had warm water & soap.

Reply

Kallian_fml | 21

#6527429 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:05

And check the janitors closet for some bleach.

Reply

fumanshu | 9

#6527453 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:46

I was thinking the same thing!

By jazzybaby179 | 22

#6527430 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:05

Don't forget to wash your hands!!

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6527436 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:14

I'm surprised that you didn't also find the big shit that did that in the toilet.

By FelicityWishes | 32

#6527439 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:23

Gross but at least you know where they are now!!

By xotashxo | 13

#6527470 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:17

The positive is it could have been your keys. At least it's just the key to the locker.. Still sucks though, people are so damn rude!

Reply

ninjuh_wingman | 29

#6527480 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:34

The key to their locker was attached to their bundle of keys so it wasn't just the key to their locker that was in the toilet.

By ananicosia | 28

#6527472 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:21

Hopefully the toilet was flushed before your keys were thrown in