Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised... - FML

By oh, shit...... - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Cake is everything

Not gonna happen

By Nicki - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

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By Andrew - United States - Blackwood

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

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By housebroken - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

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By _Emilyy - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By mishie1 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Freeport

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

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By zztopspinner - United States

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

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By Kohsukeff - 6/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Gig Harbor

Overreact much?!

Today, my dad called me a "worthless human being", and told me that I'm "better off committing crimes and living life in a prison cell", all because I haven't gotten into the industry I studied for right out of college. I'm currently at a temp job doing accounting. FML

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By WeakBitch

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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By suuuucks - United States

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

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By OompaLoompa - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML

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By cricketeer - United States

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

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By crazydaughter - Egypt

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

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By chillyinside - Canada

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

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By ashily24

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

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By

Very good remedy

Today, after suffering with anxiety and insomnia for a nearly a year and exhausting every natural remedy, I could think of, I finally decided to go to a Dr. for help. Instead of writing me a prescription, he told me to drink more teas and think happy thoughts. I had to pay out of pocket for this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

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By sam - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By fireman - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 08:02 - Germany

Anxiety

Today, and for the last 5 days, I’ve been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 a.m. Perfect time to get into work early, right? Except I’ve been unemployed for months and the one thing I’m trying to work on is my lack of sleep. FML

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By toni405 - United States

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

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By soapisyourfriend - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By offended - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

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By freckle82 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 4:30am because I forgot to turn my Blackberry off 'loud'. I woke up to find an email from my ex-boyfriend's crazy mother who had sent me pictures of her son's wedding that had happened over the weekend. I am still single. FML

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By -___- - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By Muina - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

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By Eggs - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

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By deaddoggy - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

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By redlips - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

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Top comments

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6527412 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:51

I hate when people decide to be total douches when it'd take the same amount of effort to be decent human beings.

By Miss_Whipped | 43

#6527408 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:47

At least you found them! Better a little unsanitary than nonexistent.

COMMENTS

By Miss_Whipped | 43

#6527408 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:47

At least you found them! Better a little unsanitary than nonexistent.

Reply

Danne696 | 14

#6527498 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 13:06

In regards to that I'm curious as to what got OP to look for them in that place.

Reply

LittleRed79 | 39

#6527607 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 17:38

Could be that OP had stopped looking for their keys and started looking for a toilet at that particular moment. When you gotta go, you gotta go...whether or not you've located missing items.

By BeautifulChaos27 | 37

#6527410 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:48

Well somebody at that gym clearly doesn't like you

Reply

cprad11 | 12

#6527487 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:47

Not necessarily. It could just be a random asshole who thinks putting someone's belongings in a toilet is good fun.

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tantanpanda | 26

#6527812 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 23:56

I'm sorry, but I can't resist. Somethings's rotten in the state of Denmark. If someone thought they were being funny, the keys would be in an easier place like the trash, instead of in a toilet. The bundle of keys being in the toilet implies something that someone feels about OP.

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6527412 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:51

I hate when people decide to be total douches when it'd take the same amount of effort to be decent human beings.

Reply

deathstroke990 | 22

#6527418 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:58

????

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nonsensical | 26

#6527563 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 15:54

My first thought was maybe they fell out of his pocket when he was on the toilet? It would explain how he knew to look there!

By abbyade | 21

#6527413 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 9:51

You found them, be happy even though it's not the thing to do..dipping your hands in a public toilet

By GAeroNKissR | 26

#6527422 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:01

any chance they slid out of your own pocket into the toilet? Either way...that's horrid. I hope the bathroom at least had warm water & soap.

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Kallian_fml | 21

#6527429 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:05

And check the janitors closet for some bleach.

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fumanshu | 9

#6527453 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:46

I was thinking the same thing!

By jazzybaby179 | 22

#6527430 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:05

Don't forget to wash your hands!!

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6527436 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:14

I'm surprised that you didn't also find the big shit that did that in the toilet.

By FelicityWishes | 32

#6527439 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 10:23

Gross but at least you know where they are now!!

By xotashxo | 13

#6527470 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:17

The positive is it could have been your keys. At least it's just the key to the locker.. Still sucks though, people are so damn rude!

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ninjuh_wingman | 29

#6527480 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:34

The key to their locker was attached to their bundle of keys so it wasn't just the key to their locker that was in the toilet.

By ananicosia | 28

#6527472 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 12:21

Hopefully the toilet was flushed before your keys were thrown in