Miscellaneous: Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches... - FML

By anonymouss - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

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Dangling modifier

Small town blues

Caught red-handed

By wronged - Singapore

Today, my extremely paranoid boyfriend called me a whore and threatened to break up with me, all because he had a dream in which I had sex with my ex. I'm still a virgin. FML

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By perfect - Canada - Whitby

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

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By NoctisMax - United States - Humble

Today, I was caught doing it with my boyfriend in a car because we wanted to have privacy from my family. I'm a grown adult with my own home. FML

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By kansasgirl - United States

Today, my two year old decided to run out the front door alone. I ran after him, tripped over the bottom of my jeans, fell onto the sidewalk and scraped up both my hands and knees. My neighbors just watched. FML

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By Tanner - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

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By poordude - 3/4/2021 05:00

Extreme response

Today, my girlfriend told me that our relationship and economic situation is stressing her out so much that she’d rather end her life or marry a rich dude. FML

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By sandy - United States

Today, I was completely naked in my boyfriend's bed. Suddenly his mom yelled that she was coming in so that she could get to the attic. I pulled a blanket up to my neck, hoping she would think I was cold. She had to step over my bra and panties on her way to the attic. FML

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By TheHam - Sweden

Restrictions

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Traverse City

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

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By crushed - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

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By doubleds - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:01

The mainframe had been haxored

Today, I found out my email hasn't been working for 10 days. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but it just so happens that a position opened up for my dream job while this was happening. I would have gotten the job, but instead they gave it to someone I just finished training. FML

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By butterfingers - United States - New Wilmington

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out on a dinner date when suddenly a girl walks up to us and says to my date, "Girl, you can do so much better." Hearing this, my date looks at me, nods, gets up and walks off. I still had to pay for everything. FML

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By Sprinkles - Australia

Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charles City

A Natural Snack!

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

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By ashleyrae - United States

Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Explain this

Today, I came home to find my mom in my apartment packing my things and crying. When she saw me she threw her arms around me and explained through her tears that she caught my girlfriend cheating on me and that she was sorry. My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship. I had to explain that. FML

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By garfield749 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

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By boo8713 - United States - Bell

Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML

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By sarabellekitty

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

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By NickJJ - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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By "Audrey Harmon"

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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By shorty4 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By Sarahfizzeller - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By NonBelieber - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

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By Beantown girl - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

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By LostAlice - 28/3/2021 17:01

You tried

Today, I requested a deadline extension at work. The extension was granted, but it didn't apply to me. FML

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By davifilo - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

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By hamburglar - United States - Irving

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

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By Thithien1 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

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By emie0209 - United States

Today, my friend and I were driving to Florida from Michigan. While going through Ohio my car hydroplaned over a puddle on the highway. I ended up hitting the median and my car got wrecked. Not only am I stuck in Ohio with a car that wont work, I got a ticket for $300 for hitting Ohio property. FML

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By Sadmom - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

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By wallflower - United States

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

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By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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By not chicken spaghetti - United States - Clarksville

Today, while cooking supper with my boyfriend, we both smelled something funny. He tasted the sauce I was making, then asked me to taste it because something was off. I guess the burned teflon of our cheap pot mixed with Rotel just doesn't work that well. Now we're having dry chicken and plain noodles. FML

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By bobjope

Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML

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By teegtwo - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

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Top comments

By X109 | 0

#227295 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

y are u just texting people that ur in the hospital...."Hey im in the hospital"...u sound like a tool and thats mad akward

By adelaide_evening | 0

#227298 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

Sometimes digging for sympathy and attention backfires.

COMMENTS

By jeremymg91 | 0

#227290 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:42

Wow you have terrible friends

Reply

soupey_fml | 0

#858348 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:27

YDI for expecting a "oh how did that happen?I'll make you some cookies and kiss it better" from everyone. Bitch

Reply

squirrelbait | 0

#937877 - Friday 12 March 2010 3:11

fuck you 267 for replying to #1 to get to the top

Reply

derrickddiazz | 0

#979323 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 6:10

yes that bitch prob did something

Reply

Mars_Bars_Big_Na | 0

#1055142 - Friday 2 July 2010 20:10

268
you did the exact same thing so stfu

Reply

rndg | 0

#1248334 - Sunday 15 August 2010 22:56

270, 268 probably was replying to 267, not 1.

By _apecakez | 0

#227291 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:42

LOL! no one likes you :)
I'm sorry.

Reply

Gringe | 1

#3971437 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 13:09

YDI for being a pity-hunting tool.

By X109 | 0

#227295 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

y are u just texting people that ur in the hospital...."Hey im in the hospital"...u sound like a tool and thats mad akward

Reply

StirTheBlood | 0

#1152916 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 18:24

I totally agree with this point. I wouldn't have replied to an attention grabber like that either.

Reply

heyitsdiamond | 5

#3397984 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:11

Your probably a sympathy whore that's why your cousin said you deserved it

Reply

Jaded_anna420 | 11

#4698207 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 5:28

That shit pisses me off. I have a coworker who does this (who is also a hypochondriac and has govt insurance with no copay or deductible) I just lol and ignore it. OP is probably an attention whore and no one cares anymore.

By adelaide_evening | 0

#227298 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

Sometimes digging for sympathy and attention backfires.

By mandark | 9

#227301 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

I agree with #3.

By stina_klm | 0

#227303 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

wow, that sucks.
i'm sorry, lol.

By omgitsLindsay | 0

#227307 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:44

#3 and #4

By bco12 | 0

#227308 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:44

agree with 3 and 4.

By fatfaceunited | 0

#227332 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:48

I agree w/ #9

Reply

TheMystery_fml | 6

#2386286 - Friday 22 April 2011 2:32

disagree

By JiggstheMan | 0

#227333 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:48

Either you did something so bad to make everyone hate you or you have some shitty friends.