Miscellaneous: Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches... - FML

By anonymouss - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Added flavor

Vibe check

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By anon_1996 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

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By o___O" - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By BrandonDrapeau - United States - Sparta

Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt really depressed so I decided to go to McDonald's, get a sundae and cheer myself up. I got pulled over by the cops on the way, and was given a ticket for an expired registration. McDonald's was closed. FML

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By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

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By ohemgee - United States

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, as always, I have a very weak stomach. I'm in Japan right now, and all the unfamiliar foods set me off every time I eat. I can choose between having a great time and starving myself half to death, or sitting in my hotel room all day with stomach pains and diarrhea. FML

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By holliefall - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By - 24/1/2020 14:00

Fact of scratching

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

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By cuckoo - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

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By stuck - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By Sonakshi - 11/9/2020 13:03 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Detained

Today, I forgot to bring a letter to my secondary school, so I went to detention. I told them it got lost, but it's only when my parents phoned and told them the same thing that they believed it. So I got detention for nothing. FML

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By ihavepinkbackpac - United States

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

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By ananomus - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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By - 15/2/2020 01:00

Too stupid

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

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By cheated - Australia

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. Guess how I found out? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

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By Betty - United States

Today, I went in for a doctors appointment. When I got on the scale, I was really excited to see that I'd lost ten pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the gym. The doctor then severely lectured me on the fact that I had gained twenty since my visit last year. FML

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By picklebug - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

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By soupduped - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By tallvet

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By bobby - United States

Today, I went to lick the excess peanut butter off the knife after making a PB and J. Turns out the knife can and will cut your tongue, even though you don't think it will. FML

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By Anonymouse - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By disturbed2103 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By ugh - Canada

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

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By Hank-T4 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

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By motherfuck666 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By ohhhjaymo13 - United States

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

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By freakedout - United States - Louisa

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

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By badenoughflowers - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

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By kinlin

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By julia - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

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By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

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Top comments

By X109 | 0

#227295 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

y are u just texting people that ur in the hospital...."Hey im in the hospital"...u sound like a tool and thats mad akward

By adelaide_evening | 0

#227298 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

Sometimes digging for sympathy and attention backfires.

COMMENTS

By jeremymg91 | 0

#227290 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:42

Wow you have terrible friends

Reply

soupey_fml | 0

#858348 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:27

YDI for expecting a "oh how did that happen?I'll make you some cookies and kiss it better" from everyone. Bitch

Reply

squirrelbait | 0

#937877 - Friday 12 March 2010 3:11

fuck you 267 for replying to #1 to get to the top

Reply

derrickddiazz | 0

#979323 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 6:10

yes that bitch prob did something

Reply

Mars_Bars_Big_Na | 0

#1055142 - Friday 2 July 2010 20:10

268
you did the exact same thing so stfu

Reply

rndg | 0

#1248334 - Sunday 15 August 2010 22:56

270, 268 probably was replying to 267, not 1.

By _apecakez | 0

#227291 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:42

LOL! no one likes you :)
I'm sorry.

Reply

Gringe | 1

#3971437 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 13:09

YDI for being a pity-hunting tool.

By X109 | 0

#227295 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

y are u just texting people that ur in the hospital...."Hey im in the hospital"...u sound like a tool and thats mad akward

Reply

StirTheBlood | 0

#1152916 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 18:24

I totally agree with this point. I wouldn't have replied to an attention grabber like that either.

Reply

heyitsdiamond | 5

#3397984 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:11

Your probably a sympathy whore that's why your cousin said you deserved it

Reply

Jaded_anna420 | 11

#4698207 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 5:28

That shit pisses me off. I have a coworker who does this (who is also a hypochondriac and has govt insurance with no copay or deductible) I just lol and ignore it. OP is probably an attention whore and no one cares anymore.

By adelaide_evening | 0

#227298 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

Sometimes digging for sympathy and attention backfires.

By mandark | 9

#227301 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

I agree with #3.

By stina_klm | 0

#227303 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

wow, that sucks.
i'm sorry, lol.

By omgitsLindsay | 0

#227307 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:44

#3 and #4

By bco12 | 0

#227308 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:44

agree with 3 and 4.

By fatfaceunited | 0

#227332 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:48

I agree w/ #9

Reply

TheMystery_fml | 6

#2386286 - Friday 22 April 2011 2:32

disagree

By JiggstheMan | 0

#227333 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:48

Either you did something so bad to make everyone hate you or you have some shitty friends.