Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches... - FML

By anonymouss - 24/5/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

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Season finale

Capitalism kills

Thanks, I'm cured!

By Xerfox - 20/6/2016 20:34 - Germany - Neckarsulm

Today, I flew to Germany to meet up with a girl that I met in America 5 months ago and fell in love with. We've been talking every day for 5 months straight. I get here just for her to tell me that she likes me "like a brother". FML

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By emogurl - 22/7/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

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By rivercitybarf - 8/8/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

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By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35 - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 12:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

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By gp28 - 18/2/2010 20:08 - United States

Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML

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By anon - 4/12/2009 10:35 - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 22:12 - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family's named me "the hobbit". FML

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By Fefe - 13/7/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By Conor Moreau - 18/8/2020 23:02

Parental approval

Today, I left my favorite hoodie in the kitchen. Not 5 seconds after I left the kitchen to go to my room, I overheard my dad say, "Any chance we can just throw that out before he notices?" FML

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By hard work doesn't work - 13/3/2015 06:21 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I am too good to be promoted. FML

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By poupi - 25/12/2008 12:57 - France

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 16:00

Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML

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By llostinreality - 30/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Franklin - 29/12/2017 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I walked into a room where my naked "best friend" had set up a romantic scene and attempted to kiss me. It turns out he believed we were in a relationship for the last year and told our entire school. I am 100% straight. This explains why I haven't been able to get laid in months. FML

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By Taylor - 30/7/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By ameliaruth09 - 22/1/2015 22:36 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By Random Person - 21/11/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

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By -__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

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By pat - 9/3/2010 19:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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By DaycareMama92 - 28/4/2017 16:00

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

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By seepeezy32 - 2/2/2011 02:32

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

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By soulaar - 2/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By izzy46111 - 11/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

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By Me - 31/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By husbands addiction - 26/3/2014 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got billed for $80 of Justin Bieber music. It wouldn't have been so bad if it were my daughter who bought it all, instead of my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 23:17 - United States

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, as I was making instant hot chocolate from the hot water dispenser in the break-room at work, a coworker informed me that it was industrial "recycled" wastewater that was only supposed to be used for washing tools. Thanks. I've only been doing that every day for the past 8 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By drake86 - 9/1/2013 16:42 - United Kingdom - Helensburgh

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

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By Lincoln - 20/1/2009 01:23 - Australia

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

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By joeidk - 12/5/2013 00:07 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I finally convinced my mom to read Fight Club. As English isn't her first language, she occasionally asked me to translate some of the words. Her latest question: "What's a dildo?" FML

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By Hairy Cheek - 15/4/2016 04:27 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

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By zuzu - 1/5/2019 14:00

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

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By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ordering food at McDonalds when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

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By inboxbuddies - 16/6/2009 10:35 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter asked me if we can make sticker art. Of course I said it was ok so she went to get some stickers. I wondered where she was going when she walked into the bathroom, but I didn't ask. I left the room and when I came back, her paper was blank and my pads were stuck to the wall. FML

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Top comments

By X109 | 0

#227295 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

y are u just texting people that ur in the hospital...."Hey im in the hospital"...u sound like a tool and thats mad akward

By adelaide_evening | 0

#227298 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

Sometimes digging for sympathy and attention backfires.

COMMENTS

By jeremymg91 | 0

#227290 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:42

Wow you have terrible friends

Reply

#858348 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:27

YDI for expecting a "oh how did that happen?I'll make you some cookies and kiss it better" from everyone. Bitch

Reply

squirrelbait | 0

#937877 - Friday 12 March 2010 3:11

fuck you 267 for replying to #1 to get to the top

Reply

derrickddiazz | 0

#979323 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 6:10

yes that bitch prob did something

Reply

Mars_Bars_Big_Na | 0

#1055142 - Friday 2 July 2010 20:10

268
you did the exact same thing so stfu

Reply

rndg | 0

#1248334 - Sunday 15 August 2010 22:56

270, 268 probably was replying to 267, not 1.

By _apecakez | 0

#227291 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:42

LOL! no one likes you :)
I'm sorry.

Reply

Gringe | 1

#3971437 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 13:09

YDI for being a pity-hunting tool.

By X109 | 0

#227295 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

y are u just texting people that ur in the hospital...."Hey im in the hospital"...u sound like a tool and thats mad akward

Reply

StirTheBlood | 0

#1152916 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 18:24

I totally agree with this point. I wouldn't have replied to an attention grabber like that either.

Reply

heyitsdiamond | 5

#3397984 - Thursday 6 October 2011 23:11

Your probably a sympathy whore that's why your cousin said you deserved it

Reply

Jaded_anna420 | 11

#4698207 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 5:28

That shit pisses me off. I have a coworker who does this (who is also a hypochondriac and has govt insurance with no copay or deductible) I just lol and ignore it. OP is probably an attention whore and no one cares anymore.

By adelaide_evening | 0

#227298 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

Sometimes digging for sympathy and attention backfires.

By mandark | 9

#227301 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

I agree with #3.

By stina_klm | 0

#227303 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:43

wow, that sucks.
i'm sorry, lol.

By omgitsLindsay | 0

#227307 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:44

#3 and #4

By bco12 | 0

#227308 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:44

agree with 3 and 4.

By fatfaceunited | 0

#227332 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:48

I agree w/ #9

Reply

TheMystery_fml | 6

#2386286 - Friday 22 April 2011 2:32

disagree

By JiggstheMan | 0

#227333 - Monday 25 May 2009 1:48

Either you did something so bad to make everyone hate you or you have some shitty friends.