Health: Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 69

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 35

31/10/2014 05:10

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 387

You deserved it 3 489

Dementia or hate? You decide

Dysfunctional

Health hazard

17/08/2017 13:00

Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said "now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 651

02/03/2013 03:17

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 3 232

18/02/2013 03:27

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 840

You deserved it 3 050

26/10/2014 05:17

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 196

You deserved it 2 486

29/05/2011 04:27

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 206

You deserved it 6 201

25/08/2017 13:00

Today, I learned that there's a billboard-sized photo of me and my ex hanging in the airport advertising my college. Travelers from all over the world have now seen me smiling at graduation with the guy who cheated on me after 3 years together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 714

You deserved it 306

Never go public

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 20:00

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 2 141

Masterchef

By WhatHaveIDone - 24/03/2021 11:01

Today, my daughter tried to make pasta by putting a pot on the stove, pouring the noodles in without adding water, and turning on the stove. Then she asked me, "How come these aren’t getting soft like when you make them?" She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 564

30/08/2013 00:16

Today, I realized I love my boyfriend's cat more than my boyfriend. The only reason we're still together is I don't want to lose custody of the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 171

You deserved it 43 635

13/12/2013 22:20

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 978

You deserved it 3 547

Sorry for asking…

By volleyballgirl12 - 09/09/2021 11:52

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 485

You deserved it 6 523

26/06/2009 08:09

Today, I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good and it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl and he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 145

You deserved it 7 362

12/06/2013 04:59

Today, my mother threw away my brand new headphones. She saw them on the couch with duct tape on the wires and assumed they were "old, broken, and cheap." I put the tape there to avoid damaging the wires. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 543

You deserved it 14 314

24/09/2015 14:33

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 025

You deserved it 4 005

05/12/2014 15:44

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 795

You deserved it 2 456

04/12/2008 04:39

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 023

You deserved it 9 162

09/02/2009 09:21

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 877

You deserved it 43 136

29/12/2014 05:00

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 899

You deserved it 5 086

18/10/2016 06:49

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 031

You deserved it 3 355

17/03/2010 14:18

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 182

You deserved it 5 094

20/01/2010 05:27

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 683

You deserved it 85 702

06/12/2016 04:46

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 587

You deserved it 3 925

24/08/2018 00:00

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 986

You deserved it 153

11/09/2018 04:00

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 141

You deserved it 396

08/09/2012 04:47

Today, my tire blew while I was on the freeway. I had to change the tire in pouring rain while wearing short shorts and flip-flops. No one stopped to help, but several people politely honked as if to remind me of my misfortune. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 984

You deserved it 3 615

01/12/2010 05:12

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 958

You deserved it 2 475

25/06/2011 04:30

Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 466

You deserved it 5 070

Liar, liar

By skanula414 - 31/12/2014 19:00

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 353

You deserved it 49 444

03/04/2012 18:10

Today, I posted on Facebook saying I'm in a new relationship. One of my buddies said, "You're cheating on Jill?" My girlfriend saw this and went completely nuts, not giving me a chance to explain that "Jill" is just a euphemism for your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 564

You deserved it 5 820

19/11/2012 06:21

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 859

You deserved it 2 938

12/08/2016 17:32

Today, after cleaning the whole house, I still couldn't get rid of the foul smell. Later, my roommate revealed his new place to "stash and dry" his socks: The ventilation ducts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 401

You deserved it 878

04/03/2015 07:55

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 844

You deserved it 4 488

08/05/2014 23:46

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 741

You deserved it 51 241

15/02/2011 17:13

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 102

You deserved it 3 977

05/06/2015 01:07

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 756

You deserved it 2 119

Beautiful

By Anonymous - 10/05/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 343

You deserved it 442

27/09/2015 07:57

Today, I was driving to work and stopped at a stop light. A full 2 or 3 seconds passed, followed by a car rear-ending me. The idiot driving it got out and gave me hell, calling me a maniac because I braked "too quickly" and didn't give him a chance to react. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 600

You deserved it 1 536

22/03/2014 21:08

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 963

You deserved it 11 410

Happy Feet

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 00:01

Today, an old lady rear ended my car the light. Her explanation was, "It's a new car, and when I take my foot off the break, it just rolls forward all on its own! I don't know what's wrong with it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 669

You deserved it 92

NFL 2020

By boredbymyself - 17/09/2020 14:01

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 162

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:37

Op, you could volunteer to take a shower with him. That might help

warsun 27

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:35

I still don't get why some people just hate showering soo much........

Comments

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:34

Maybe you should just let him be and he'll learn the hard way that he's no longer a child

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Friday 31 October 2014 15:57

Or she could shower with him, that'll make him shower.

xxjohndoexx9 10

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Friday 31 October 2014 17:09

Clearly #1 hasn't gone down on a man who hasn't showered in a while

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Friday 31 October 2014 17:56

#30 and I think it should stay that way.

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Friday 31 October 2014 18:42

Let him be... Dirty? Not showering shows disrespect to his kids and to his wife. And to everybody he encounters every day. And most of all, to himself.

thatguynamedsky 32

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:34

that stinks

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Friday 31 October 2014 15:02

just stop, please.

thatguynamedsky 32

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Friday 31 October 2014 17:49

sorry, couldn't resist the pun

sayyestothedress 24

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Saturday 1 November 2014 16:07

#32 that wasn't even a pun!

warsun 27

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:35

I still don't get why some people just hate showering soo much........

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Saturday 1 November 2014 1:34

Never want to get it. After you're in, never want to get out. Shower logic

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:37

May I suggest dousing him in paint or with some sticky substance? It may help convince him.

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:37

Op, you could volunteer to take a shower with him. That might help

giantsfan2010 23

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Friday 31 October 2014 15:03

She gets it ^

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Friday 31 October 2014 15:39

Funny how getting a little dirty will get him all clean . Great idea by the way! I personally like showering, but I would re-shower right after I took one if a girl asked .

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:40

love the tlc reference in OPs name.

doctorhook86 24

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Friday 31 October 2014 20:22

OP don't want no scrubs; a scrub is a guy who can't get no love from OP; hangin' out the passenger side of OP's ride, making it smell like pee.

RA91 26

Saturday 1 November 2014 13:03

Lol, agreed!

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:42

If he acts like a child, treat him like a child!

blondeamazonian 18

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Friday 31 October 2014 18:20

Man Child!

macros 12

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:44

Got to save on that water bill.

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:46

Tell him no shower equals no sex or food lol

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Friday 31 October 2014 14:51

How do people hate showering so much? I can't stand a day without a shower..