Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 19:00 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

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Rock, hard place

Does it taste good?

Whatthefuckaburger

By notlilien - 14/11/2018 15:30

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was in my psychology class taking the hardest test ever. After I spent most of the period trying to fill in the few answers that I knew, I looked up to see everyone with their notebooks on their desks. It was an open-note test. FML

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By mannydanny - 1/9/2011 23:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly - 11/1/2017 14:44

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By thecathater - 9/7/2013 13:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By askprussia - 27/11/2015 02:32 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

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By comfort_ - 27/3/2015 03:28 - United States - Dalton

Today, I managed to take an entire shower without realizing my socks were on. I washed my feet. FML

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By Mike - 17/9/2019 02:02 - United States - Los Angeles

The Nerve!

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who refers to himself in the third person on a regular basis, told me that I often act entitled. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2016 16:11 - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

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By botheredgf - 9/11/2010 12:02 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

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By indefiniteforest - 20/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

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By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By Stressed_Out_Student - 29/8/2018 22:00

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs in the door. FML

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By Miki13 - 11/11/2012 20:27 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Nickki - 14/10/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By thatgirl17 - 31/8/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, I was working the cash register. While helping a customer with her groceries, my bra snapped. I then had to ask my male boss if I could staple it back together. Thirty minutes later it snapped again. I then had to explain to my boss that I was too broke to buy a new one. FML

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By Kimberlie - 15/3/2011 09:23 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 00:56 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By EastOneTen - 6/10/2012 07:28 - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

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By lobotomy pls - 11/9/2015 18:40 - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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By loud sweeper - 7/10/2019 06:00

Mrs Heckles?

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

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By smh - 27/6/2013 23:37 - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By Skyler - 24/4/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

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By creepyguy - 26/12/2009 12:06 - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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By homerde - 5/2/2011 06:29 - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a haunted hayride with my crush and friends. I got scared and screamed so he put his arm around me and hugged me. I took this as a good sign and leaned in. Turns out his friend was handing him something and he wasn't putting his arm around me. FML

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By coius - 21/7/2020 05:01

At risk

Today, after being on steroids to suppress my immune system, I found out it causes pulmonary embolisms. If I stop taking my steroids, my body will try to kill me, but if I take the steroids, the meds will try to kill me. I’m only 35 and was fit before this. FML

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By NosChersVoisins - 1/7/2014 04:55 - France - Bordeaux

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

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By anonymous - 11/3/2020 06:00 - Canada

Higher education

Today, I realized that all the swirling techniques I learned in chemistry labs has helped me to swirl alcoholic ingredients properly in my drinks to get the best mixtures. Thanks university. FML

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By journeytotheend - 14/7/2012 06:55 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went to city hall to pay for a parking ticket. After returning to my truck, I found a parking ticket on my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 14:51 - Canada

Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 21:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 23:00

Candid camera

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 11:23 - Canada

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

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By fmynote - 27/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

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By spider-sarah - 8/10/2016 09:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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Top comments

By fearrhyno1 | 18

#7461931 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:05

You're going to have to tell your dad he can no longer have Juan more drink at that restaurant anymore.

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7461884 - Monday 29 May 2017 2:50

You'll need to have a little chat with your dad.

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7461884 - Monday 29 May 2017 2:50

You'll need to have a little chat with your dad.

Reply

Royness | 8

#7462222 - Monday 29 May 2017 19:43

Too forced man...

By Nova Solarius | 10

#7461889 - Monday 29 May 2017 3:09

Sounds like a great manager.

By fearrhyno1 | 18

#7461931 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:05

You're going to have to tell your dad he can no longer have Juan more drink at that restaurant anymore.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7461932 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:11

The good news is that Hog n Jog (aka, Dine n Dash, Eat n Cheat, Chew n Screw) is not an inherited trait.

By nzfireman | 13

#7461933 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:23

should have told him where to go

By Dexter83aus | 7

#7461981 - Monday 29 May 2017 9:17

I personally would of told the manager that they allowed it to happen and it has nothing to do with me

By iamnuff | 11

#7462212 - Monday 29 May 2017 18:47

Not your tab, not your problem.

How did he even realize you were related? Same last name?

Reply

Royness | 8

#7462223 - Monday 29 May 2017 19:44

Maybe small town and knew their family a bit or saw them eating together there some time

By GhostFox | 33

#7466223 - Tuesday 6 June 2017 17:55

Dad sounds like he's developing an alcohol addiction, honestly.