Money: Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

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Walk the line

Clocked

Don't hate the playa…

By Anonymous

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol FML

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By krizleykrislo - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

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By liz - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

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By MandieL - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

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By Penny

Animated movies

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

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By A2 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

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By Punk'd - 3/4/2021 08:00

Overreaction club

Today, my brother is about to move to a new house, all because last week I played a prank on him. I made him believe that I crashed my car and had to sell his things to pay for the damage. He's no longer talking to me, or acknowledging me as a sibling anymore. FML

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By wayne - New Zealand

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By jameen - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2021 07:59

Not you

Today, I saw that the man who got me pregnant, and swore that if I kept it he'd run away to Asia, and his new girlfriend announced their pregnancy on social media. They both seem to be very happy. FML

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By mikey - United States

Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

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By Cody1324

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years is better friends with my younger sister and when she has free time to go out and do something, she would rather spend it with her than with me. FML

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By Anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 01:58 - Australia

Teamwork works

Today, I had a huge amount of work to get through. Two colleagues offered to help, because one had nothing else to do, and the other couldn't work until I was done. My boss got really pissed at me for "making" them do my job and wasting their time. FML

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By russianfail - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 08:31 - India - Hosur

Catcaller on a bike!

Today, a man on a bike was so preoccupied with making lewd comments about another girl's behind that he drove straight into mine. FML

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By Mike - United States - Burlington

Drama Llama

Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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By Ryley Jenna - 23/6/2021 11:01

Deadbeat

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me for a year. He doesn't see how texting and sexting counts as cheating. While I cleaned, cooked, payed all our bills and went to school, he didn't work. FML

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By Adam - United States

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

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By Snowflakepandi

Sneaky sneaky...

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

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By Shouldaknown - United States

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

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By disboydanielx

Today, I went to school without knowing that all my math books had been peed on by my cousin's cat. FML

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By smiles - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

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By kitty shah - United States

Today, I was having a debate with my friend over tattoos. I used the example that you wouldn't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. He looked me in the eye and said, "Yeah, but you're no Ferrari. More like a Prius." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML

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By hot sweet.... not - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembled a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

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By porkabye - United States - Duluth

Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled out by a rent-a-cop. He began questioning if I had been drinking, saying he smelt it on my breath. He smelt his own breath. FML

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By Oreo

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By fmll - Norway

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

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By Ob3nie - United States - San Francisco

Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a face time. Busted. FML

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By badplannning - United States - Naperville

Today, my date suggested we go to 10:30 p.m. movie so we could "talk" in the car afterwards, when the parking lot was empty. Thus, at 1 a.m., I thought we were going to make out. However, he only asked where I get my car air freshener from, had me write down the scent, and then suggested we go home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was picking up my 7 year old daughter at my ex husband's house my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "mommy". FML

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By LC - United States

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

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By KMAC - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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Top comments

By fearrhyno1 | 18

#7461931 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:05

You're going to have to tell your dad he can no longer have Juan more drink at that restaurant anymore.

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7461884 - Monday 29 May 2017 2:50

You'll need to have a little chat with your dad.

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7461884 - Monday 29 May 2017 2:50

You'll need to have a little chat with your dad.

Reply

Royness | 8

#7462222 - Monday 29 May 2017 19:43

Too forced man...

By Nova Solarius | 10

#7461889 - Monday 29 May 2017 3:09

Sounds like a great manager.

By fearrhyno1 | 18

#7461931 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:05

You're going to have to tell your dad he can no longer have Juan more drink at that restaurant anymore.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7461932 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:11

The good news is that Hog n Jog (aka, Dine n Dash, Eat n Cheat, Chew n Screw) is not an inherited trait.

By nzfireman | 13

#7461933 - Monday 29 May 2017 6:23

should have told him where to go

By Dexter83aus | 7

#7461981 - Monday 29 May 2017 9:17

I personally would of told the manager that they allowed it to happen and it has nothing to do with me

By GhostFox | 33

#7466223 - Tuesday 6 June 2017 17:55

Dad sounds like he's developing an alcohol addiction, honestly.