By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 08:09

Saturday night fever

Today, I was arrested on my 25th birthday and thrown in jail overnight for impersonating myself. FML

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1569

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Commando

The smell detective is on the case

Slasher

By Morgan Jones

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

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1461

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By Anonymous

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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5896

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574

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving to work, following my girlfriend's car. I looked down to change the radio station and felt a large bump. I rear-ended my girlfriend. FML

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2746

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4968

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By CallMeCherry - 26/8/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

PSA

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

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1292

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122

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By Anonymous - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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26945

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1795

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

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1593

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310

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By gummy

Today, despite asking her to stop countless times, my stepmom still barges into my room explosively and without warning. I faint when startled. FML

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2060

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149

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By Username - France

Today, after telling me his other girlfriend is pregnant, my boyfriend said we should stay together so I could help out with the baby. FML

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54901

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4788

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Double standards

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37479

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2656

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By Tea_baggins - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

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41246

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19688

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By ZombieLicker - United States

Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26873

You deserved it

7379

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By santasadiekins - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34539

You deserved it

4825

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By wedding leper - United States - Tucson

Today, I woke up after a two-day drive to go to my cousin's wedding. The view is beautiful, there's mountains everywhere, and my new backless dress is gorgeous. Too bad the hotel has bed bugs and my whole body is entirely covered in bright red bumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23433

You deserved it

1561

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By BoomHeadshot - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

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7599

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32734

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By help me! - United Kingdom

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

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41653

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2959

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By almost broke - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, because my fiancé is criminally incompetent at budgeting, I'm now having to pay the first installment for my own wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21460

You deserved it

4422

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55184

You deserved it

4223

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By mortifiedgrandchild - United States

Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

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29141

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4339

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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2056

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144

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By all puked out - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

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51587

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4311

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By magicalDEATH - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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10006

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35147

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By Coley - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

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29863

You deserved it

3606

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By Cooper491 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

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7217

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 08:01

Karen strikes again

Today, at work as a manager at pizza place, I got yelled by a customer because they got one fewer paper plates than they asked for. FML

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684

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By ilovecharliesheen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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25567

You deserved it

14192

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By Sydney - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41998

You deserved it

2970

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51889

You deserved it

7226

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stretham

Today, my parents dropped by my new house, and my mother offered to tidy up for me while I was out. After they left, I noticed that her "tidying up" included throwing out all the pictures of my girlfriend and replacing them with pictures of herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51427

You deserved it

4810

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By PukinFireman - United States

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

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33050

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5081

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML

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38719

You deserved it

6258

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By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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37236

You deserved it

4486

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By MarkTheShark - United States

Good one, thanks

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

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40794

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6828

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23710

You deserved it

69649

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By ineedsleep - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33628

You deserved it

2741

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By seeking new employment - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20717

You deserved it

2092

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By LexiBoBexi - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30562

You deserved it

8561

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By Maleficia

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6799

You deserved it

1452

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By ART - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38394

You deserved it

3140

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By AwkwardWaitress - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31746

You deserved it

15653

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By doneanddone - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

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43672

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Top comments

By distortedcognition | 17

#7913574 - Sunday 14 June 2020 8:26

What’s the story on that?

By Seeya55 | 31

#7913660 - Sunday 14 June 2020 17:48

Did you know there was a contest as to who could be Charlie Chaplin the best? Charlie Chaplin himself entered and didn't even win!

COMMENTS

By distortedcognition | 17

#7913574 - Sunday 14 June 2020 8:26

What’s the story on that?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7913575 - Sunday 14 June 2020 8:49

You must be really bad at acting like yourself.

I'll bet they'll drop the charges for insufficient evidence.

By Seeya55 | 31

#7913660 - Sunday 14 June 2020 17:48

Did you know there was a contest as to who could be Charlie Chaplin the best? Charlie Chaplin himself entered and didn't even win!

Vesi | 25

#7913699 - Sunday 14 June 2020 21:20

Not to mention Dolly Parton lost in a Dolly look-alike contest.. to a drag queen. =)

By alvarny | 17

#7913691 - Sunday 14 June 2020 20:39

I guess “be yourself” is bad advice now?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7913816 - Monday 15 June 2020 12:39

How?