Saturday night fever

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 280

You deserved it 69

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 1 118

Saturday night fever

By Anonymous - 14/06/2020 08:09

Today, I was arrested on my 25th birthday and thrown in jail overnight for impersonating myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 154

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Batman

20/07/2010 13:33

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 616

You deserved it 40 954

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 08/08/2021 14:01

Today, I told my mother-in-law that I was going through postpartum depression and was put on a antidepressant to help. Her response was, "Great, now we have a pill head in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 88

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 01/09/2020 00:30

Today, I woke up to my step-mother taking a shower in my bathroom. Of course, this would be fine, if my bathroom wasn't connected to my room and closet, or that I live in an apartment in their back yard, built before she moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 121

23/05/2011 14:35

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 452

You deserved it 3 172

24/11/2018 03:00

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 253

You deserved it 161

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

By Moimoi78 - 01/02/2017 05:00

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 120

You deserved it 5 068

07/01/2010 16:50

Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 161

You deserved it 2 981

09/05/2009 19:06

Today, I was playing with my phone and turned it on lock mode. I changed my lock code a few months ago, so that no one would be able to guess it. Turns out I can't guess it either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 669

You deserved it 56 426

Late bloomer

By Anonymous - 02/09/2020 17:02

Today, I’m at the age where I should be married or in a committed relationship and having kids. Instead, I’m STILL single. I haven’t had a first date or a first kiss. If any of that changes, luck and time aren’t going to be on my side because biologically I won’t be able to have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 459

You deserved it 291

14/01/2015 15:35

Today, I tripped over a "wet floor" sign at work and hit the floor hard. The floor wasn't even wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 134

You deserved it 4 786

Nutritious

By Anonymous - 19/07/2020 17:01

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 257

08/12/2014 02:12

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 741

You deserved it 4 887

12/09/2011 13:52

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 070

You deserved it 13 943

24/12/2016 09:46

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 456

You deserved it 1 055

22/03/2011 12:38

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 558

You deserved it 38 741

05/11/2012 11:36

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 039

You deserved it 2 116

03/08/2010 10:21

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 224

You deserved it 38 891

09/09/2013 06:15

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 980

You deserved it 5 940

13/06/2012 12:47

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 583

You deserved it 4 116

15/11/2018 08:30

Today, I woke up and brushed my teeth as usual. My brother had decided it would be a good time to prank me and rubbed a ton of salt into my toothbrush. A while later, he stood outside the bathroom door repeatedly saying sorry. It was Epsom salt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 587

You deserved it 146

27/02/2009 04:02

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122 198

You deserved it 13 337

01/06/2010 23:56

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 949

You deserved it 6 169

22/12/2013 17:22

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 544

You deserved it 7 671

27/08/2011 01:13

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 555

You deserved it 55 903

24/01/2009 22:09

Today, I am contemplating ending my relationship of 6 years. My boyfriend is too busy playing with a plastic guitar to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 210

You deserved it 3 995

17/03/2016 02:48

Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 763

You deserved it 1 667

18/06/2014 21:06

Today, I only just found out that the abbreviation "lbs" is actually short for pounds. I've been saying "labs" my entire life. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 319

You deserved it 55 759

28/09/2009 15:13

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 949

You deserved it 3 389

21/04/2013 13:33

Today, I overheard my boyfriend talking to his mom about me. It sounded like they were planning something for me, like a marriage. They were planning how to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 358

You deserved it 6 162

07/04/2009 12:50

Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 954

You deserved it 13 903

21/12/2009 00:26

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 282

You deserved it 29 327

15/01/2017 10:00

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 950

You deserved it 14 919

02/11/2009 01:43

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 522

You deserved it 14 885

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 344

You deserved it 7 702

22/02/2009 20:41

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 830

You deserved it 4 853

11/08/2010 09:16

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 102

You deserved it 14 935

30/04/2009 16:45

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 445

You deserved it 20 803

22/10/2015 02:52

Today, my boyfriend of one year and seven months left me for not wanting to have a baby yet. I'm seventeen years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 911

You deserved it 2 837

Too on the nose

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 16:03

Today, my boyfriend was trying to describe his feelings. I asked him if he felt any emotions other than "anger." He went to get a beer and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 318

Nice view

By Sexting Parents - 16/11/2012 02:45

Today, my dad asked me to send my mom a text since he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I pulled up my mom's contact on his phone, and I found that my mom had recently sent my dad a picture of her jugs, along with the message, "We miss you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 767

You deserved it 2 734

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Top comments

distortedcognition 17

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Sunday 14 June 2020 8:26

What’s the story on that?

Seeya55 31

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Sunday 14 June 2020 17:48

Did you know there was a contest as to who could be Charlie Chaplin the best? Charlie Chaplin himself entered and didn't even win!

Comments

distortedcognition 17

Send a private message

Sunday 14 June 2020 8:26

What’s the story on that?

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 14 June 2020 8:49

You must be really bad at acting like yourself. I'll bet they'll drop the charges for insufficient evidence.

Seeya55 31

Send a private message

Sunday 14 June 2020 17:48

Did you know there was a contest as to who could be Charlie Chaplin the best? Charlie Chaplin himself entered and didn't even win!

Vesi 28

Sunday 14 June 2020 21:20

Not to mention Dolly Parton lost in a Dolly look-alike contest.. to a drag queen. =)

alvarny 17

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Sunday 14 June 2020 20:39

I guess “be yourself” is bad advice now?

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Monday 15 June 2020 12:39

How?