Health: Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked... - FML

By goingtothegym - 09/12/2013 01:16 - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 659

You deserved it 6 535

Mama's boy

Leave us alone

Student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 23:01 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 455

You deserved it 46 963

By lalalee - 18/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 044

You deserved it 3 324

It's not Mondays you hate, it's capitalism

By I’m poor too! - 13/07/2021 00:01

Today, I was accosted by an angry homeless man at the recycling center, since I refused to give him my saved up bottles and cans. He insisted that he needed it more and I was "poaching his turf". I needed the recycling to put gas in my car, just to make it to work and hope I could make it back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 58

By Anonymous - 14/07/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 393

You deserved it 5 556

Money hole

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 17:00

Today, my uncle kept his promise and left me his holiday house in his will. What he didn’t tell me was it’s been unmaintained for 14 years and is unfit for human habitation, has 2 mortgages, and now it and all its issues are now mine. Old, dead bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 307

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

By Christin Deason - 08/09/2019 22:00

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 365

By Loud - 08/09/2016 06:07 - Australia

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 488

You deserved it 8 391

By kernelkat - 06/11/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 626

You deserved it 2 644

By theawesome129 - 24/03/2013 10:20 - Canada

Today, I finally came out to my family as a lesbian. My grandma then told me I'm just going through a phase because I finally realized I'm not pretty or skinny enough to get a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 546

You deserved it 7 196

By Wreet - 11/01/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 044

You deserved it 78 417

By irony - 16/08/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 872

You deserved it 9 352

By Vermont? - 22/02/2017 05:00 - United States

Today, in my AP U.S. history class, we had a very long, very slow discussion about whether or not Vermont is a state. I think I lost brain cells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 295

You deserved it 406

Taking the Micheal

By Michael - 20/09/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 634

You deserved it 310

By Lovejunkie - 01/03/2010 07:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 554

You deserved it 8 591

By My mom - 18/03/2010 01:10 - France

Today, my mom walked me to school to make sure I don't cut class. I'm 20 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 933

You deserved it 12 171

By boyBYE - 16/11/2016 23:30 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 314

You deserved it 947

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 01:23 - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 216

You deserved it 4 116

Is that even possible?

By Anonymous - 09/08/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 126

You deserved it 412

By Anonymous - 04/08/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 972

You deserved it 15 453

By bizzyizzy0121 - 21/11/2011 06:28 - United States

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 487

You deserved it 3 177

By arrestedgun - 23/05/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 347

You deserved it 58 523

Unpleasant, but clean

By deathparty352 - 12/10/2019 04:00

Today, I'd had enough of the excrement sticking in my butt hair. Now that I'm shaved, I feel my buttocks rubbing together. With every step. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 1 371

Assumptions part 27674

By dads can’t cook? - 17/03/2021 21:30

Today, I was messaging a new friend when she mentioned her dad was cooking dinner that night. I jokingly texted, “Oh no! I’m sorry!” Turns out her dad is a professional chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 1 085

Take a hike

By bummed - 14/04/2014 01:57

Today, my family and I went on a hike to a local abandoned gold mine, with the hopes of being able to explore the caves. What we didn't expect was four miles of treacherous, rocky, near vertical trails that led to the mine. Once we finally got there, exhausted, it was blocked off for safety reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 767

You deserved it 12 310

By crying over wasted milk - 14/08/2019 17:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 273

You deserved it 249

By snowinggrey - 19/02/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 727

You deserved it 11 792

By Anonymous - 07/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran into my parents bedroom after I heard my name and what sounded like painful screams. When I opened the door my parents were on top of each other laughing hysterically. They needed me to find the key to the handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 071

You deserved it 3 438

Leaking all over the place

By JR. - 08/08/2020 20:02

Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 131

By gameguy3424 - 18/05/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I went on my afternoon stroll to my local park. As I reached the park a little boy was peeing in the bushes nearby. His mother called. As I walked by, he turned, still peeing, right to me. He ended up peeing on the front of my pants and on my shoes. My house is 2 miles away from the park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 534

You deserved it 3 188

Drama Queen

By sam - 11/11/2020 03:03 - United States - Denver

Today, my daughter lightly bumped her hand on a wall, cried and screamed for 5 minutes, vomited, then passed out. She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 220

By "baow" - 17/03/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 078

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 09/09/2012 21:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 211

You deserved it 2 387

By FallCameEarly - 27/02/2014 06:21 - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 059

You deserved it 3 855

By shoutoutloud2him - 05/12/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 911

You deserved it 2 612

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 679

You deserved it 6 130

By yeah okay then - 03/08/2012 23:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 897

You deserved it 2 106

By ChubbyAmerican - 22/05/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 835

You deserved it 15 863

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 524

You deserved it 3 779

By iVaughtTV - 28/02/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 093

You deserved it 24 462

Time to pretend

By fmeplease - 31/05/2009 21:10 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was cleaning out my bedside table when I came across some condoms I bought on my 18th birthday, to use the first time I had sex. They expired five years ago. I'm still waiting for my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 134

You deserved it 12 709

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

It's okay, OP. December is cold. 'Tis the season to gain some extra insulation.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:29

I had the opposite happen once, see I was shoplifting condoms and the owner caught me, looked at my face and let me go saying I couldn't possibly use them so I couldn't possibly be stealing em.

Comments

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:07

Hit that gym

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:25

No guts no glory

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:29

I had the opposite happen once, see I was shoplifting condoms and the owner caught me, looked at my face and let me go saying I couldn't possibly use them so I couldn't possibly be stealing em.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:30

@1 you're comment is stupid when you consider the ops name

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:40

#1, I'm sure he hasn't considered that before…

TheCanucklehead 22

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:56

Beast mode time.

Rednipplehippo 1

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Monday 9 December 2013 18:40

I know right. It's his own fault

spoo 24

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Monday 9 December 2013 23:18

Lots of "him" "his" for a woman.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:07

that's awful! D: it also reminds me of Family guy..

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Monday 9 December 2013 10:35

That was my first thought too

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Monday 9 December 2013 19:42

"I need an adult, I NEED AN ADULT!"

paskievitchjack 23

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Tuesday 21 February 2017 21:01

I need an adult! I need an adult!

DrHail 22

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:08

Fyl, OP. I know the feeling. But that's ok! You're probably too fabulous anyway.

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Monday 9 December 2013 9:55

OP is probably PHAT, Pretty Hot And Tempting.

spoo 24

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Monday 9 December 2013 23:20

sick of fat being given Euphemisms...

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Tuesday 10 December 2013 7:49

80, I'm pretty sure you can't handle a real PHAT woman *hair flip*

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:08

U probably need to lay of the snacks, like cake.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:13

You probably need to lay off the bitchiness.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:25

Nigga shut yo titts

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:09

Lose dem pounds.

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Monday 9 December 2013 12:36

Good advice, I'm sure this never ran through his head

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Monday 9 December 2013 13:48

#60 - Her head you mean.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:09

4th

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:10

*6th

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

And ill be the 1st to say, who cares?

wheres_waldo13 4

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:10

lay off them twinkies

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

This seems like a common problem considering the vast amount of FML's similar to this one lol.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

It's okay, OP. December is cold. 'Tis the season to gain some extra insulation.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:13

Heck yeah. I broke out my vat of walrus fat back in November.

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:14

Thinking ahead! Good job!

awkwardturtl3 3

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Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

they need glasses

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 131

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 233

You deserved it 299