Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked... - FML

By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48618

You deserved it

6531

Tweet

Share

Walk on the wild side

Not a cheating!

Bad news

By fartypants - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32974

You deserved it

4383

Tweet

Share

By KittenShitz - 25/12/2019 14:00

My reward

Today, I felt accomplished after I cleaned the whole house alone, but then I stepped backwards to admire my work and stepped into a pile of dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1662

You deserved it

303

Tweet

Share

By ktinanic - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27978

You deserved it

3034

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29126

You deserved it

41998

Tweet

Share

By stickyservice - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, an angry customer threw her sticky toffee pudding at the wall and pointed out that because it didn't stick, it was not really a "sticky" toffee pudding, and that she'd been mislead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40134

You deserved it

3259

Tweet

Share

By CassyM - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my 2-year-old asked for cake, so I told her I would make her one. I showed her two boxes of cake and asked which one she wanted. She picked one and happily tried opening it. She'd thought a fully cooked cake is in the box. Ever tried explaining baking to a toddler? FML

I agree, your life sucks

4419

You deserved it

765

Tweet

Share

By - France

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28221

You deserved it

3600

Tweet

Share

By deadman - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

I agree, your life sucks

38559

You deserved it

30036

Tweet

Share

By Amy - 6/3/2020 07:00

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1479

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By workworkwork

Today, at the winery, my boss proudly made a spectacle of the new, high quality bottles. After over a year of employment without breaking a bottle, I shattered 3 before lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3430

You deserved it

408

Tweet

Share

By AFSDALK:AFSDQWE - United States - Hillsboro

Germaphobe

Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40974

You deserved it

3772

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 05:00

Hello, I love you

Today, I had a very good-looking guy ask for my number while I was at work, but due to our policies I had to turn him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1560

You deserved it

321

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77557

You deserved it

7359

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15119

You deserved it

40985

Tweet

Share

By fine - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37267

You deserved it

4478

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 18:00 - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2123

You deserved it

90

Tweet

Share

By sillvy - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34897

You deserved it

5499

Tweet

Share

By screwed - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52622

You deserved it

11927

Tweet

Share

By The Corner Of Death - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

651

You deserved it

47

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22769

You deserved it

1731

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44436

You deserved it

8153

Tweet

Share

By kaybax - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

I agree, your life sucks

19046

You deserved it

46389

Tweet

Share

By Ewt - 6/12/2019 05:00 - Canada - Victoria

Not a joke!

Today, I found out that my best friend does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom, even if she changes her pad. I then remembered all the times she handed food to me, and teased me when I tried to wash my hands first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2211

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By Sbfreak510 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work and I put on yesterday's jeans. While at my meeting an employee asked me if 'that' was mine and pointed to something on the floor next to me. Which was yesterday's underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14260

You deserved it

31020

Tweet

Share

By anon - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32570

You deserved it

7111

Tweet

Share

By Hayley

Bad Luck Brian

Today, my doctor told me that my lungs are as bad as a 60-year-old heavy smoker's. I'm 19 and I've never touched a cigarette in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5000

You deserved it

217

Tweet

Share

By karmafails - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30166

You deserved it

2344

Tweet

Share

By Wasthistheplace - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet my dad, who I haven't seen in years, at a convenience store. He didn't show up, because the location was "inconvenient." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1627

You deserved it

123

Tweet

Share

By lazy pregnant girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25704

You deserved it

10142

Tweet

Share

By miabun - United States - Breinigsville

Cling Alert

Today, my boyfriend has helicopter parents. He offered to take me out on a date for Valentine's Day, but there's one condition: his mother has to be there the whole time. He's 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6754

You deserved it

870

Tweet

Share

By ThatGuy24

Booming economy!

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1753

You deserved it

366

Tweet

Share

By epistaxis - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36518

You deserved it

3921

Tweet

Share

By dr.mantistobagon - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40867

You deserved it

3411

Tweet

Share

By Itchy Missy - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40191

You deserved it

5635

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41563

You deserved it

7545

Tweet

Share

By disfunctionalfamily - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55704

You deserved it

4584

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53183

You deserved it

5015

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10581

You deserved it

35947

Tweet

Share

By andifalls

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38343

You deserved it

3511

Tweet

Share

By PLU - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32831

You deserved it

5682

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By xnyletak | 17

#5785024 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

It's okay, OP. December is cold. 'Tis the season to gain some extra insulation.

By Somuchart | 3

#5785052 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:29

I had the opposite happen once, see I was shoplifting condoms and the owner caught me, looked at my face and let me go saying I couldn't possibly use them so I couldn't possibly be stealing em.

COMMENTS

By thaddaeus413 | 7

#5785009 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:07

Hit that gym

Reply

Somuchart | 3

#5785045 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:25

No guts no glory

Reply

Somuchart | 3

#5785052 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:29

I had the opposite happen once, see I was shoplifting condoms and the owner caught me, looked at my face and let me go saying I couldn't possibly use them so I couldn't possibly be stealing em.

Reply

Somuchart | 3

#5785054 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:30

@1 you're comment is stupid when you consider the ops name

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5785058 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:40

#1, I'm sure he hasn't considered that before…

Reply

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5785070 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:56

Beast mode time.

Reply

Rednipplehippo | 1

#5785602 - Monday 9 December 2013 18:40

I know right. It's his own fault

Reply

spoo | 24

#5785986 - Monday 9 December 2013 23:18

Lots of "him" "his" for a woman.

By Katiakatxx | 13

#5785011 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:07

that's awful! D: it also reminds me of Family guy..

Reply

Blink_me26 | 21

#5785123 - Monday 9 December 2013 10:35

That was my first thought too

Reply

Doritozilla | 20

#5785706 - Monday 9 December 2013 19:42

"I need an adult, I NEED AN ADULT!"

Reply

paskievitchjack | 23

#7414295 - Tuesday 21 February 2017 21:01

I need an adult! I need an adult!

By DrHail | 22

#5785013 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:08

Fyl, OP. I know the feeling. But that's ok! You're probably too fabulous anyway.

Reply

jazzy_123 | 20

#5785113 - Monday 9 December 2013 9:55

OP is probably PHAT, Pretty Hot And Tempting.

Reply

spoo | 24

#5785993 - Monday 9 December 2013 23:20

sick of fat being given Euphemisms...

Reply

jazzy_123 | 20

#5786584 - Tuesday 10 December 2013 7:49

80, I'm pretty sure you can't handle a real PHAT woman *hair flip*

By Fender60_fml | 6

#5785014 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:08

U probably need to lay of the snacks, like cake.

Reply

xnyletak | 17

#5785028 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:13

You probably need to lay off the bitchiness.

Reply

Fender60_fml | 6

#5785046 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:25

Nigga shut yo titts

By SilentNightz | 9

#5785015 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:09

Lose dem pounds.

Reply

EternalTime | 7

#5785193 - Monday 9 December 2013 12:36

Good advice, I'm sure this never ran through his head

Reply

Lilxpie | 18

#5785259 - Monday 9 December 2013 13:48

#60 - Her head you mean.

By PunsY0 | 5

#5785017 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:09

4th

Reply

PunsY0 | 5

#5785019 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:10

*6th

Reply

whiteboy896 | 9

#5785023 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

And ill be the 1st to say, who cares?

By wheres_waldo13 | 4

#5785018 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:10

lay off them twinkies

By NessaMae | 19

#5785020 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

This seems like a common problem considering the vast amount of FML's similar to this one lol.

By xnyletak | 17

#5785024 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

It's okay, OP. December is cold. 'Tis the season to gain some extra insulation.

Reply

Gingerette | 8

#5785029 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:13

Heck yeah. I broke out my vat of walrus fat back in November.

Reply

xnyletak | 17

#5785031 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:14

Thinking ahead! Good job!

By awkwardturtl3 | 3

#5785025 - Monday 9 December 2013 8:11

they need glasses