Work: Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about...

By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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Work

Mixed signals

Kitchen nightmares

Always ask for documentation

By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By NoRunning - United States

Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 20:01

Divorce impending

Today, I got a phone call from my husband in jail. He was detained for statutory rape. The girl was his 15 year-old coworker at McDonald’s. He’s 42. I can’t tell which is worse, the fact that we have a daughter the same age, or that he actually wanted me to bail him out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By notwasted39 - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

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By SoupCanoe - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By momoffour - United States

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By CamoElla - United States

Today, while babysitting, one of the boys fell on an exposed pipe and broke it. It spewed water five feet into the air, spread water across four rooms, and completely soaked another of the boys. Their parents had only left fifteen minutes before. FML

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By Cheesey_Dorito

Today, I couldn't find the keys to open the store I work at. The resulting stress gave me chest pains that ended up sending me to the hospital. I still missed work and my father found the keys under the passenger seat in his car. The same seat I sat in on the way to the hospital. FML

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By say no to indoctrination - 22/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Indoctrination

Today, I was called everything from a communist to a nazi to a national traitor for suggesting that kids shouldn’t be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at school until they’re old enough to truly understand what it means. Someone even threatened to kick my ass for speaking up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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By petty petty petty

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By 504-A1 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

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By YahItsMe94 - United States

Today, was my first day back at work since my wife got breast cancer. I come in and see some people with pink slips and frowns. When I get to my desk I find a pink slip, I go up to my boss and start to curse him out for firing me. Only to find out my pink slip was a fundraiser for my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By dumbAssCollegeStudent - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

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By ClumsyTeen - 13/5/2021 23:57 - United States - Staten Island

Light sentence

Today, I tried to sneak in at 2 a.m. after going out, since I'm 16, but I tripped over a pair of slippers and landed flat on my face. My body fell quietly, but I let out a very loud and guttural, "Oof." After about a minute, I lifted my face to see my mom standing over me. I'm now grounded for 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 17:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Bad timing

Today, someone screwed up the roller door at work, so I had to fix it. After doing so and leaving work late, I get home to find out my dog of 14 years had to be put down. If the door didn't need fixing, I would've been able to say goodbye. FML

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By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - United States - Houston

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

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By elijahrobrt - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

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By mikay1413

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By Tired Hungry Geek - United States

Today, I was exhausted after a long day at work and didn't feel like cooking so I went to a drive thru. I placed my order, went to the window and paid. I then drove off without my food and didn't realize it for a couple of blocks. I was too embarrassed to go back and get it. FML

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By theseguysarewhipped... - Canada - London

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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By docwinters - Australia - Bathurst

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By studentdriver828 - United States

Today, I got my drivers license suspended until I am 18 for driving without a license. Where was I driving to? My last day of Drivers Ed. The high school where I take Drivers Ed. classes at is across the street from my house. I gave up 3 years of driving to drive 100 feet. FML

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By Matasha - 19/4/2021 23:00

In flagrante delicto

Today, my 5 year-old daughter and I had the displeasure of walking in on my husband going down on another woman. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that it’s been 2 hours and my daughter won’t stop bawling, or the fact that my husband threw the biggest fit, because I “had to come home too early.” FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

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By lafinesse

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

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By mykodu - Canada - Toronto

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By Anna Lete

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

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By fungettingdressed - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

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By Lissa - United States - Baldwin

Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML

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By anun - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

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By Crumpet - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

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Top comments

By Renesaga | 8

#2498080 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:19

I don't remember..

By DocBastard | 38

#2498206 - Thursday 12 May 2011 13:14

Obviously your erotic dancing wasn't erotic enough.

COMMENTS

By iLazy | 0

#2498023 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:03

Do you have amnesia?

Renesaga | 8

#2498080 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:19

I don't remember..

BurtonX56 | 0

#2498102 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:26

i forgot what we are remembering

skaterpaige | 3

#2498176 - Thursday 12 May 2011 13:00

i forget what amnesia means:o !!!

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2498422 - Thursday 12 May 2011 15:05

some impression you made....

j_cat187 | 19

#2498439 - Thursday 12 May 2011 15:26

haja whose house am at

TookaWooka666 | 0

#2502359 - Friday 13 May 2011 12:52

Uhh excuse me sir what are you doing in my house?

By alteregome | 9

#2498029 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:05

Give him a treat at some fancy restaurant, I'm sure he'll remember you.

balest22 | 0

#2498134 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:36

thought the same thing

By Juliaa15 | 6

#2498038 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:08

Well you seem to stand out. ;D

GreenBud_fml | 0

#2498244 - Thursday 12 May 2011 13:35

kids say the darndest things.

By MissBBGoodGirl | 0

#2498048 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:12

Translation: "We found someone better than you!" Dontcha just love how "professional" these businesses act?! Sorry op, good luck finding a job!

PSQ91 | 6

#2498170 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:58

Exactly.

By Livinia | 11

#2498057 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:15

Don't worry about it, OP. I wouldn't want to work with someone who has memory loss.

theuns | 8

#2498454 - Thursday 12 May 2011 15:32

maybe there's nothing wrong with the employer and op just dialled wrong number

By Wheredidgrungego | 12

#2498085 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:20

He obviously wouldn't have been a good boss anyway if he forgets about possible new employees so quickly.

By dezinspaaace | 0

#2498098 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:25

1-800 choke dat hoe.

zojieeu | 6

#2498729 - Thursday 12 May 2011 17:50

why moderated :o

By mrahhhhh | 21

#2498127 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:33

Say "Yes, check the records. Are you sure you don't want to learn the basics like I already did?"

By Mirorbo | 26

#2498140 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:38

Professionalism at its finest...

By Blueglasscup | 18

#2498152 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:46

Hah you're confident! Already training and all... Or maybe I'm just a slacker... :C