Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked... - FML

By cockblocked - 11/5/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14831

You deserved it

23795

Tweet

Share

Deep-seated resentment

Keys, how do they work?

Risky business

By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 00:33 - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26898

You deserved it

52748

Tweet

Share

By whatno - 19/6/2013 23:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59709

You deserved it

9203

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 04:24 - United States - Orlando

Today, I received a text saying, "I don't think we should be friends anymore. You're terribly depressing and you make everyone unhappy" followed by, "Oops, wrong person!" and then by, "Sorry, it really is for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47992

You deserved it

4833

Tweet

Share

By Acesup111 - 2/3/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41969

You deserved it

3408

Tweet

Share

By eightleggedtictac - 8/6/2014 15:10 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48674

You deserved it

6831

Tweet

Share

By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31350

You deserved it

2960

Tweet

Share

By shitless88 - 20/8/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32735

You deserved it

4236

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25894

You deserved it

24506

Tweet

Share

By lm - 20/5/2009 20:49 - Ireland

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

69545

You deserved it

3972

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30977

You deserved it

7634

Tweet

Share

By Unknown - 9/2/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10666

You deserved it

35057

Tweet

Share

By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30131

You deserved it

6946

Tweet

Share

By hornyloser770 - 1/3/2010 02:15 - France

Today, I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26201

You deserved it

10929

Tweet

Share

By Momo8612 - 21/4/2017 12:00

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

3599

You deserved it

283

Tweet

Share

By green2black - 19/5/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26879

You deserved it

14526

Tweet

Share

By badidea - 23/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31641

You deserved it

10059

Tweet

Share

By BetrayedGirl - 13/1/2010 12:40 - United States

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44732

You deserved it

5480

Tweet

Share

By xloverin - 14/11/2015 16:23 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23053

You deserved it

12057

Tweet

Share

By Cooky - 14/3/2010 09:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40212

You deserved it

6664

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry it gets better." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39325

You deserved it

2973

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 27/1/2009 00:02 - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52567

You deserved it

2798

Tweet

Share

By BadFather - 21/11/2011 06:23 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'cutie' or 'beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14676

You deserved it

42799

Tweet

Share

By dorrisdoes - 28/7/2014 20:47 - New Zealand

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38228

You deserved it

10112

Tweet

Share

By Sleepy - 9/10/2014 14:10 - United Kingdom - Hayes

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31945

You deserved it

15586

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 20:00

Denial

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1623

You deserved it

159

Tweet

Share

By nataliepaige - 19/7/2011 04:43 - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28575

You deserved it

12264

Tweet

Share

By Maxie-Nathanial - 23/5/2010 09:10 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34707

You deserved it

8198

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/5/2015 02:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17225

You deserved it

36741

Tweet

Share

By LY2 - 25/10/2019 02:00

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1786

You deserved it

118

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 7/3/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17638

You deserved it

70720

Tweet

Share

By mybackhurts - 4/2/2018 15:00

Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4792

You deserved it

264

Tweet

Share

By Forever alone Guy - 19/2/2013 23:07 - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31037

You deserved it

3806

Tweet

Share

By nana - 19/5/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66163

You deserved it

9290

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 3/2/2009 22:38 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying "it's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too". The picture was from Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32524

You deserved it

4235

Tweet

Share

By booearns - 17/4/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26832

You deserved it

3138

Tweet

Share

By Nick - 11/2/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28398

You deserved it

5552

Tweet

Share

By Jaime - 31/3/2014 22:05 - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44227

You deserved it

6794

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32454

You deserved it

14644

Tweet

Share

By fmynote - 27/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44210

You deserved it

29651

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/7/2009 20:21 - United States

Today, after spending two days cleaning my car inside and out, I had to pick up my brother when his truck died in the mountains, on a dirt road. He was drunk. I now have a car covered in mud and filled with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40337

You deserved it

3120

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By greeneye_fml | 12

#4421395 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Cockblocked by Richard Simmons.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4421423 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:27

Troll dad always wins! Unless put against Troll mom.

COMMENTS

By greeneye_fml | 12

#4421395 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Cockblocked by Richard Simmons.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4421517 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:44

Richard Simmons wants that cock all to himself. ;)

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4421534 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:48

Haha troll dad strikes again. Dude just tell her your in to exercising and you will give her the ride of her life.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421560 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:51

#23 What kind of douchebag and stupid pick up line is that?

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4421594 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:56

Not a pick up line dumb ass, that's what he could of told her after she saw the Richard Simmons poster.

Reply

Shrike | 22

#4421631 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:02

"Tell her YOUR in"? "Could OF told"? Seriously? I doubt she'd want to fuck someone who sounds like he flunked remedial English.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421652 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:06

Well it technically isn't a pick up line but yet it is still a statement full of douchbaggyness (yeah stupid word, I know) and pretty stupid. It's basically saying "Well let me say how good I am in bed and get you to have sex with me!"

Reply

starbucksguy | 16

#4421668 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:08

Douchbaggyness is a pretty cool word...I might start using it...

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421690 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:14

Sorry, I already had it trademarked. You need to pay me 5 cents every time you use it.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4421781 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:33

I was raped here once for using the word "douchebagish".

Reply

maxmex13 | 7

#4422664 - Saturday 12 May 2012 2:50

44 - whoever came up with that trademark stuff is full of douchbaggyness :)

Reply

Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH | 7

#4422797 - Saturday 12 May 2012 3:44

Headaches are a bad excuse for not having sex. Women orgasms secrete a painkilling hormone that will get rid of that headache. Little FF, for y'all.

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4422808 - Saturday 12 May 2012 3:48

Yeah and few women can actually consistently attain orgasm, even when they leave the pleasuring to someone who knows what they're doing, ie themselves. Little FF for ya, junior.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#4423017 - Saturday 12 May 2012 5:12

Did anyone else think Gene Simmons?

Reply

mfjkr | 10

#4423175 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:23

Use Douchenozzle, sounds better.

Reply

melikesfml | 11

#4423192 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:33

This fml is so freaking wierd.

Reply

digitaljunky | 5

#4423496 - Saturday 12 May 2012 8:49

Yeah.. All that neon spandex would give anyone a headache!

Reply

Spanik | 10

#4423675 - Saturday 12 May 2012 9:52

105- that's if the man gives the woman orgasm-worthy sex!

Reply

yaya1213 | 6

#4426214 - Saturday 12 May 2012 22:16

It's not a pick up line if he already has her

Reply

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#4429808 - Sunday 13 May 2012 19:09

105- try having sex before you offer advise about it. Sex can help a migraine yes, if the woman orgasms. It does shit all for a sinus head ache and makes a tension head ache worse. Also I dunno about you, but the last thing I want to do is have sex when I feel like I'm gonna hurl from pain

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#4431247 - Monday 14 May 2012 1:40

I think I like your dad.

Reply

emmy627 | 2

#4439426 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 22:34

HAHA!

Reply

_krystallynn_ | 11

#4987213 - Sunday 30 September 2012 8:55

why is everybody so obsessed with proper grammar on this site?

By jackal181 | 7

#4421400 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

BOOM! Roasted

Reply

lopsop | 12

#4421771 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:32

Roast? Where's seth macfarland? And who's getting roasted? Is it Charlie sheen again?

Reply

JTthePurpleNinja | 5

#4424419 - Saturday 12 May 2012 13:53

Is that a Jenna marbles quote ?!

Reply

bab_chik25 | 1

#4424859 - Saturday 12 May 2012 16:27

It's from that show the office

By RockN | 10

#4421404 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Ummmm...lol!

Reply

b0ngs | 7

#4421732 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:21

Really? Umm? Thats all you can think of?

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421770 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:30

Ummmm......... yes!

Reply

Sydney92 | 3

#4422041 - Saturday 12 May 2012 0:35

thank you all for contributing to this fml. you can go home now.

By jackii1313 | 9

#4421410 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Your dad sure has a sense of humor! Haha

Reply

Nightwing98 | 22

#4423227 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:54

This is the funniest FML I've read in a long time!

Reply

kira_the_boss | 1

#4425265 - Saturday 12 May 2012 18:03

No, his dad just couldn't find room to put up the posters in his own bedroom.

By 04chevyshortbed | 0

#4421416 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:25

Loool

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4421507 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:41

Poool

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4421578 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:54

Foool

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4421638 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:03

Toool!

Reply

DobiesJS2012 | 9

#4421826 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:43

Stoool

Reply

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#4422053 - Saturday 12 May 2012 0:37

Coool

Reply

yetanotherginger | 19

#4422268 - Saturday 12 May 2012 1:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

GroovyGravy | 7

#4422425 - Saturday 12 May 2012 1:48

Droool?

Reply

nado13579 | 12

#4422524 - Saturday 12 May 2012 2:13

Boool

(Yes, bool is actually a word)

Reply

TheMysticSilas | 0

#4423206 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:42

ghoul :D

Reply

mattorama | 15

#4424942 - Saturday 12 May 2012 16:45

Gruel

Reply

luckyd880 | 12

#4428536 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:06

Well this is just getting out of hand.....

By simcop2387 | 10

#4421419 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:25

Where did he get the posters to begin with?

Reply

kissandcontrol01 | 20

#4421514 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:44

Riiight!! He must have been saving em

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#4421779 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:33

Or he went n bought them at the store???

Reply

luckyd880 | 12

#4450640 - Friday 18 May 2012 9:41

Not everyone has Richard Simmons posters lying around?..

Reply

vintage3113 | 6

#4473166 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 21:18

Someone must have done the same thing to him haha

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4421423 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:27

Troll dad always wins! Unless put against Troll mom.

Reply

SmokingUnicorn | 8

#4421959 - Saturday 12 May 2012 0:12

Trolling woman? Oh god. we are fucked.

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#4429795 - Sunday 13 May 2012 18:55

Yep.

By djxerxes9000 | 18

#4421441 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:30

You can't be cockblocked by Richard Simmons, he loves the cock.

By GroovyGravy | 7

#4421447 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:31

I could use some Richard Simmons posters

By vbmg152 | 18

#4421449 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:31

Ha ha ha!!! YDI!!