Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked... - FML

By cockblocked - 11/5/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14824

You deserved it

23783

Tweet

Share

White line fever

Time don't heal nothing

You snooze, you lose

By unfriendlyskies - 2/4/2012 23:40 - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22164

You deserved it

2091

Tweet

Share

By John - 10/7/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30021

You deserved it

50413

Tweet

Share

By The Last Cockbender - 6/10/2012 17:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21373

You deserved it

2427

Tweet

Share

By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31801

You deserved it

8027

Tweet

Share

By Missedtheboat - 30/10/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13625

You deserved it

32472

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 23:08 - United States - Merrillville

Today, I announced to my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He immediately denied that it was his because "a childhood accident" supposedly left him sterile. He has a child from a previous relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30725

You deserved it

5827

Tweet

Share

By VerbalDiarrhea - 8/1/2012 07:34 - United States

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39872

You deserved it

12001

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my landlady decided to fix the leak in my room. Her solution was repainting the ceiling. Now not only is my room still wet but it now reeks of paint thinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27534

You deserved it

1969

Tweet

Share

By DrunkPeopleSuck - 19/7/2019 16:00

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1785

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21695

You deserved it

1772

Tweet

Share

By LifeSucks - 8/11/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38892

You deserved it

2473

Tweet

Share

By What the fuck, son? - 11/5/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46304

You deserved it

7779

Tweet

Share

By 4yrldkicker - 29/7/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57601

You deserved it

23422

Tweet

Share

By - 2/1/2009 15:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she wants to dress me up with her clothes, with wig and makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38036

You deserved it

5464

Tweet

Share

By JBK06262009 - 12/11/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, I was informed by my boss that he has been stealing quarters out of my change bowl to pay for his bus rides. He makes six times the amount I make. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35948

You deserved it

2403

Tweet

Share

By ke - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7811

You deserved it

30710

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 15:47 - United States - Rochester

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36700

You deserved it

4045

Tweet

Share

By LucidNightmare - 27/1/2013 05:38 - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35633

You deserved it

18644

Tweet

Share

By danthecomplicate - 29/9/2011 02:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35161

You deserved it

12426

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16291

You deserved it

48444

Tweet

Share

By wasntworththedrive - 20/1/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23337

You deserved it

4822

Tweet

Share

By Annonmyus - 3/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66987

You deserved it

9737

Tweet

Share

By - 27/12/2017 05:00

Maybe he is gay!

Today, my boyfriend got back from a long wrestling tournament. As a nice surprise, I decided to give him a little show over FaceTime. As soon as I stripped down into my bra and underwear, he paused the screen and started surfing the internet for new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

275

You deserved it

23

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 17:49 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46973

You deserved it

3864

Tweet

Share

By HellaBomber91 - 11/2/2010 20:15 - United States

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28541

You deserved it

8849

Tweet

Share

By lafinesse - 14/5/2012 22:23

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44482

You deserved it

4509

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26960

You deserved it

1961

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 16:27 - Serbia

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45553

You deserved it

5411

Tweet

Share

By fireman - 6/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25934

You deserved it

8329

Tweet

Share

By Mary C. - 23/3/2015 01:58 - United States - Mendota

Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34390

You deserved it

3509

Tweet

Share

By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1997

You deserved it

125

Tweet

Share

By Andrew - 28/8/2011 22:37 - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33219

You deserved it

8559

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1090

You deserved it

95

Tweet

Share

By okaydisarray - 4/7/2015 02:31 - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30649

You deserved it

2779

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I went on a group job interview, where all the applicants seem to have the same qualifications. When the interviewer dismissed all of us but the prettiest girl, outraged, I told him he was a prejudiced pig, and should be ashamed of himself. Apparently she was the only one who had a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8711

You deserved it

58570

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63430

You deserved it

3269

Tweet

Share

By dogggg - 14/7/2014 02:10 - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39625

You deserved it

9566

Tweet

Share

By NoBikesForYou - 26/9/2013 22:56 - Israel - Ramla

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37965

You deserved it

6103

Tweet

Share

By Cheating - 27/1/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend's Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with "Danielle" went. He replied: "Dude, keep that shit on the down-low." We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35712

You deserved it

3153

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 17:06 - United States

Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30010

You deserved it

4131

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By greeneye_fml | 12

#4421395 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Cockblocked by Richard Simmons.

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4421423 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:27

Troll dad always wins! Unless put against Troll mom.

Comments

By greeneye_fml | 12

#4421395 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Cockblocked by Richard Simmons.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4421517 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:44

Richard Simmons wants that cock all to himself. ;)

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4421534 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:48

Haha troll dad strikes again. Dude just tell her your in to exercising and you will give her the ride of her life.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421560 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:51

#23 What kind of douchebag and stupid pick up line is that?

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#4421594 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:56

Not a pick up line dumb ass, that's what he could of told her after she saw the Richard Simmons poster.

Reply

Shrike | 22

#4421631 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:02

"Tell her YOUR in"? "Could OF told"? Seriously? I doubt she'd want to fuck someone who sounds like he flunked remedial English.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421652 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:06

Well it technically isn't a pick up line but yet it is still a statement full of douchbaggyness (yeah stupid word, I know) and pretty stupid. It's basically saying "Well let me say how good I am in bed and get you to have sex with me!"

Reply

starbucksguy | 16

#4421668 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:08

Douchbaggyness is a pretty cool word...I might start using it...

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421690 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:14

Sorry, I already had it trademarked. You need to pay me 5 cents every time you use it.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4421781 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:33

I was raped here once for using the word "douchebagish".

Reply

maxmex13 | 7

#4422664 - Saturday 12 May 2012 2:50

44 - whoever came up with that trademark stuff is full of douchbaggyness :)

Reply

Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH | 7

#4422797 - Saturday 12 May 2012 3:44

Headaches are a bad excuse for not having sex. Women orgasms secrete a painkilling hormone that will get rid of that headache. Little FF, for y'all.

Reply

dominic1221 | 6

#4422808 - Saturday 12 May 2012 3:48

Yeah and few women can actually consistently attain orgasm, even when they leave the pleasuring to someone who knows what they're doing, ie themselves. Little FF for ya, junior.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#4423017 - Saturday 12 May 2012 5:12

Did anyone else think Gene Simmons?

Reply

mfjkr | 10

#4423175 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:23

Use Douchenozzle, sounds better.

Reply

melikesfml | 11

#4423192 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:33

This fml is so freaking wierd.

Reply

digitaljunky | 5

#4423496 - Saturday 12 May 2012 8:49

Yeah.. All that neon spandex would give anyone a headache!

Reply

Spanik | 10

#4423675 - Saturday 12 May 2012 9:52

105- that's if the man gives the woman orgasm-worthy sex!

Reply

yaya1213 | 6

#4426214 - Saturday 12 May 2012 22:16

It's not a pick up line if he already has her

Reply

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#4429808 - Sunday 13 May 2012 19:09

105- try having sex before you offer advise about it. Sex can help a migraine yes, if the woman orgasms. It does shit all for a sinus head ache and makes a tension head ache worse. Also I dunno about you, but the last thing I want to do is have sex when I feel like I'm gonna hurl from pain

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#4431247 - Monday 14 May 2012 1:40

I think I like your dad.

Reply

emmy627 | 2

#4439426 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 22:34

HAHA!

Reply

_krystallynn_ | 11

#4987213 - Sunday 30 September 2012 8:55

why is everybody so obsessed with proper grammar on this site?

By jackal181 | 7

#4421400 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

BOOM! Roasted

Reply

lopsop | 12

#4421771 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:32

Roast? Where's seth macfarland? And who's getting roasted? Is it Charlie sheen again?

Reply

JTthePurpleNinja | 5

#4424419 - Saturday 12 May 2012 13:53

Is that a Jenna marbles quote ?!

Reply

bab_chik25 | 1

#4424859 - Saturday 12 May 2012 16:27

It's from that show the office

By RockN | 10

#4421404 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Ummmm...lol!

Reply

b0ngs | 7

#4421732 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:21

Really? Umm? Thats all you can think of?

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#4421770 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:30

Ummmm......... yes!

Reply

Sydney92 | 3

#4422041 - Saturday 12 May 2012 0:35

thank you all for contributing to this fml. you can go home now.

By jackii1313 | 9

#4421410 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:24

Your dad sure has a sense of humor! Haha

Reply

Nightwing98 | 22

#4423227 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:54

This is the funniest FML I've read in a long time!

Reply

kira_the_boss | 1

#4425265 - Saturday 12 May 2012 18:03

No, his dad just couldn't find room to put up the posters in his own bedroom.

By 04chevyshortbed | 0

#4421416 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:25

Loool

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4421507 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:41

Poool

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4421578 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:54

Foool

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4421638 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:03

Toool!

Reply

DobiesJS2012 | 9

#4421826 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:43

Stoool

Reply

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#4422053 - Saturday 12 May 2012 0:37

Coool

Reply

yetanotherginger | 19

#4422268 - Saturday 12 May 2012 1:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

GroovyGravy | 7

#4422425 - Saturday 12 May 2012 1:48

Droool?

Reply

nado13579 | 12

#4422524 - Saturday 12 May 2012 2:13

Boool

(Yes, bool is actually a word)

Reply

TheMysticSilas | 0

#4423206 - Saturday 12 May 2012 6:42

ghoul :D

Reply

mattorama | 15

#4424942 - Saturday 12 May 2012 16:45

Gruel

Reply

luckyd880 | 12

#4428536 - Sunday 13 May 2012 11:06

Well this is just getting out of hand.....

By simcop2387 | 10

#4421419 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:25

Where did he get the posters to begin with?

Reply

kissandcontrol01 | 20

#4421514 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:44

Riiight!! He must have been saving em

Reply

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#4421779 - Friday 11 May 2012 23:33

Or he went n bought them at the store???

Reply

luckyd880 | 12

#4450640 - Friday 18 May 2012 9:41

Not everyone has Richard Simmons posters lying around?..

Reply

vintage3113 | 6

#4473166 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 21:18

Someone must have done the same thing to him haha

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4421423 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:27

Troll dad always wins! Unless put against Troll mom.

Reply

SmokingUnicorn | 8

#4421959 - Saturday 12 May 2012 0:12

Trolling woman? Oh god. we are fucked.

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#4429795 - Sunday 13 May 2012 18:55

Yep.

By djxerxes9000 | 18

#4421441 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:30

You can't be cockblocked by Richard Simmons, he loves the cock.

By GroovyGravy | 7

#4421447 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:31

I could use some Richard Simmons posters

By vbmg152 | 18

#4421449 - Friday 11 May 2012 22:31

Ha ha ha!!! YDI!!