Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends,...

By alice5000 - 7/11/2008 05:47 - France

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

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Love

Age ain't nothing but a number

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Goodbye Bill

By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. The only person who remembered was the creepy guy in my English class who keeps trying to smell my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, after years of waiting, my mom and I finally received a check from Child Support Services. Excited, I opened it up to find a check from my dad, written out for 45 cents. Which pays for maybe half a loaf of bread. FML

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By missbutthole - 4/6/2011 13:07 - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By jynxisadouchebag - 27/2/2015 00:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was doing laundry, so I decided to wash my cat's blanket. He chased me down the stairs into the basement, and I slightly closed the door behind me so he wouldn't follow me. He pushed the door shut, which automatically locks. I was trapped down there for 3 hours until my mom came home. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 02:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year old boss's new breast implants. FML

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By Mmm - 25/7/2015 10:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

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By Tj Hunt - 5/11/2012 03:26 - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By ditzen - 7/12/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my paycheck at the convenience store I work at. While there, two frat boys came in and bought seventeen 30 packs of beer. That comes to about $300. They spent more at the store in one day than I get paid in two weeks. FML

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By onthetoilet - 4/1/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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By sally - 4/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

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By loser - 19/6/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

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By STOPTHENOISE - 14/10/2013 13:10 - United States - Jefferson

Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML

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By Awahso - 16/10/2013 21:42 - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By Kathleen Michelle Cooper - 28/8/2018 20:30

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. This wouldn't be so bad if my son wasn't only 10 months old and my partner, the father of my children, hadn't been secretly seeing his ex wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 22:00

And next on The Voice…

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

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By - 11/12/2018 22:00

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

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By Kan23 - 26/1/2016 03:37 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By Tiredoftrying - 11/2/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, I received my fourth rejection email from McDonald's after applying for one position with them a few weeks ago. FML

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By humanchewtoy - 7/7/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

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By lmao4eva93 - 2/7/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I discovered my former boss from the job I quit 3 months is now my boss at my new job. He was the reason I quit my old job. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 06:11 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

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By Droolgirl - 26/5/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

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By Geezum Crow - 6/12/2018 17:30

Today, I found out my school's financial aid had a "misunderstanding" of my finances, I can no longer afford to pay half of my bills or pay for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By grosssss - 1/1/2010 13:03 - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

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By Alyssa - 21/3/2012 01:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

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By Christin Deason - 8/9/2019 22:00

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 17:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a party, Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started playing. For being the only one who didn't know the lyrics, I had beer thrown on me, my shirt stolen, and I was locked outside for half an hour. It's below freezing. FML

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By Username - 1/12/2010 19:04 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 02:17 - United States - Akron

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 23:05 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML

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By phlox_fml - 30/5/2020 08:00

Hammocking yourself

Today, I fell backwards out of my hammock, busting my shoulder. This weekend, I broke my toe falling out of it. I've used hammocks my entire life, but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown. FML

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By MyLife - 3/3/2019 12:00

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

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By saqmuel093 - 18/1/2015 19:44 - Malaysia - Tatau

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

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By C0r1nn3 - 7/6/2012 04:02 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

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By myles bevan - 9/9/2010 10:01 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst sat next to a old lady on a flight back to the UK, I exclaimed how I wished somebody would gag the crying baby a few rows behind us. Her reply was, "That's my grandson." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

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By noraidk - 26/5/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, a few friends and I ran through sprinklers at our school until we were all soaked. Then we were told that they put fertilizer in the water. I'm soaked in manure. Now I know why it tasted weird. FML

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Top comments

By nwater | 0

#12657 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 15:33

wow you must have been tired to fuck that up. You should have rolled with it and went to bed.

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#77749 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:41

Whoa.
Yeah I side with nwater.
If you forgot you were home, you definitely should have gone to bed.
People would have bought it.

Comments

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1685 - Friday 13 February 2009 0:10

I appreciated this moment. It's something I'd do, lol.

michaelscot23 | 0

#951730 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 1:36

op=retard

yuhhkno | 0

#1056637 - Saturday 3 July 2010 6:21

lmfaoo i hope they took that as a hint to leave!

Pokkyun | 0

#1163679 - Friday 30 July 2010 20:19

OP= "Think Before You Act"
Dumbass.

timistheman | 2

#1229866 - Thursday 12 August 2010 17:28

dumbass

fluffyrocka | 0

#3042434 - Friday 5 August 2011 6:52

Jesus masturbation- your argument is invalid

By nwater | 0

#12657 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 15:33

wow you must have been tired to fuck that up. You should have rolled with it and went to bed.

By jennaleighhh | 0

#19683 - Saturday 7 March 2009 14:20

yeah #14, i dont get it either...

azhein | 0

#1216024 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 6:41

how do you not get it. she tried making an excuse to leave by saying they had a long drive but they were at their house

BREADEDELF | 3

#1291640 - Monday 23 August 2010 22:07

The real question is how #5 replied to #14

bamagrl410 | 31

#5413896 - Thursday 21 March 2013 6:08

In the old FML days, instead of moderating a comment, they would just delete it all together & therefore people's numbers would become a previous number. So #5 wasn't originally 5.

By x0x_KissOfDeath | 0

#31597 - Saturday 14 March 2009 19:54

vdm?

By MightyMeganLH | 0

#43691 - Thursday 19 March 2009 23:36

i dont get it...and what is VDM?

mxtn | 0

#901687 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:49

VDM is the French acronym for FML. VDM came first.

By christiner51 | 0

#58673 - Thursday 26 March 2009 0:31

What's VDM....And I really don't get this. We are home?? Huh?

chapelsen | 0

#2737819 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 19:58

It's been about 2 years since this post...maybe you know already, but VDM is the French site (the one fml is based off of). It means Vie De Merde, translating literally to Life Of Crap....

By zectni | 0

#69083 - Monday 30 March 2009 4:56

i dont get it eitherr...

Hoplaka | 0

#1255871 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 7:20

She said she was tired for an excuse to get away from her friends. Not thinking she said," Come on honey, it's a long drive home." But they were already home.