Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 20 year-old self, who works shift work, learned by accident that my 14 year-old brother has been using my toothbrush for the past 6+ months. I wouldn't have known due to my schedule until just now when I found it was wet. He admitted it, but was upset with me for using HIS toothbrush. It has my name on it. FML
Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML
Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML
Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML
Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML
Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML
Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML
Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
Today, my five-year-old son told me that I smell bad and asked me to take a shower so I wouldn't attract bugs into the house. I had just showered. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ImTheAlpha 30
Sometimes I'm glad I don't have siblings.
Rainhawk94 27
Quiet you loofah
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (83)
cosicosei 22
Couldn't you just explain you didn't to everyone that was over? I'm sure they'd agree kids say the darnedest things :)
darwinism 30
It is great you have your kid learning French at such an early age, and will always know how to ask for a shower. Your parent's should be more supportive.
thestrangedude 10
Maybe you need to go through the house showing the little one various items and asking him what they are called, just in case there are any more surprises waiting for you. Who knows what his brother has told him
Topgun20 3
In French, douche means "shower"!
Faff 20
Also in Dutch!
Kateyez_26 13
Oh the joy of having kids lol
VasNormandy 14
I don't understand why people would take the words of a child so literally. Especially parents who have already raised children and know that that they say stupid shit.
pinkshirtbadman 15
Any parent that would be angered or offended by that must be fools. ever kid I've ever known, mine included, often say random things that without proper context sound awful. My daughter told an aunt that I "beat her"... leaving out the part where she was talking about a board game, in her mind that didn't need to be added since of course that's what she meant.
beautifulsoul89 11
Lmao, I'm sorry but that's too funny, gotta love the "older dividing tricks"..just explain to your parents, they should understand this situation if you have a brother or sister. But if not, its the joy of having kids!! Don't stress over it, yes a bad joke but Ey, it could have been worse!!!!
rebelbelle 17
I love your user name OP. And I'm sure they will forget about it soon
RedX1000FML 11
Two scumbag brother FMLs this week. Gentlemen, it is time.
Ambient25 25
to party like it's 1999?
jonahwalzer 12
Thats gold!! Ahaha