Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to...

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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Love

Out of it

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 19:58 - United States - Macomb

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

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By stunned - 15/3/2010 15:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year and a half broke up with me when he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. We gave our stuff back, he was joking and happy the whole time until I told him I was taking back my cat. At that point he burst into tears. FML

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By swag papi - 22/1/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2015 19:20 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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By Curt - 6/9/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

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By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By Brendan - 19/2/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

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By Gigi - 5/9/2012 04:29 - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

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By ifyouseekmylife - 25/10/2009 15:44 - United States

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2019 22:14

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 00:02 - United Kingdom

Scruffy 'erbert

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

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By Blurry - 30/9/2009 19:30 - Philippines

Today, I joined a small disaster relief group. I remarked to the big, long-haired person beside me that it was surprising that I was the only female in the group. I got a cold stare. Later I asked another volunteer about that person. He answered, "Oh, her? She's my sister." FML

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By armenta427 - 7/10/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

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By slowrunner - 22/4/2009 13:20 - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 03:29 - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By AW - 10/1/2011 12:48

Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

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By couch girl - 25/6/2013 16:23 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML

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By Itsnotmeitsyou - 11/10/2013 06:09 - Australia

Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML

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By somebody - 1/6/2015 03:37 - United States

Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 23/7/2018 19:04

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2011 15:43 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

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By Noname - 29/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

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By Joel - 28/10/2018 15:30

Today, I got a ticket for doing 38mph in a 45mph zone. Apparently you can be cited for "impeding traffic" even when you're the only car on the road. FML

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By Nathan - 17/1/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I printed my 10 page econometrics problem set questions out on $15/100 sheet ivory resume paper that I'd accidentally left in the paper tray on my printer. It turned out to be the wrong assignment. FML

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By Steve - 30/9/2011 10:18 - New Zealand

Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 18:00

Today, my walk of shame may have been caught by the Google car. FML

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By fridgemylifee - 13/8/2015 17:39 - United States

Today, I had a first date with a guy I met online. And his mom. FML

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By socknotes - 9/3/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

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By babyscarface - 12/6/2016 15:48 - United States - Orange

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

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By bleach bleach bleach - 22/12/2013 17:22 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By believe me now?? - 22/1/2016 20:55 - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

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By Soggy Sophia - 27/3/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

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By ewww - 3/4/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, I used the community vacuum to clean my dorm. When spots started appearing on the floor, I assumed it was leaking water. By the time I finished there were tons of wet spots on the floor. Later I found out that someone had just used that very vacuum to suck up vomit. FML

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By t.hughes - 1/4/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

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By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:54 - United States - Niles

Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 01:33 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 03:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#3719747 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:52

OP and wife fought
OP went downstairs to couch
OP's wife grabbed spoon
Spoon can be used to hurt people
OP afraid

By SilentTreatment | 7

#3719813 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:06

Well since OP isn't sleeping in the same bed with her, she probably wanted something to spoon with! :P

COMMENTS

By Pixie333 | 6

#3719676 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:44

Wait what? I don't get it..

WCARlover | 34

#3719747 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:52

OP and wife fought
OP went downstairs to couch
OP's wife grabbed spoon
Spoon can be used to hurt people
OP afraid

ariannaimelda | 7

#3719797 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:02

Spoon = possible surprise buttsecks for OP

SilentTreatment | 7

#3719813 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:06

Well since OP isn't sleeping in the same bed with her, she probably wanted something to spoon with! :P

baconstrips | 12

#3719883 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:17

RUN, FUCKING RUN

kaprookie | 3

#3719927 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:25

What if she was just using the spoon to eat ice cream?

Jonkbaby | 19

#3720080 - Monday 12 December 2011 10:36

well you're not there, how else is she gonna spoon?

moodyreallyrocks | 27

#3720754 - Monday 12 December 2011 16:26

LOL!

rallets | 22

#3721853 - Monday 12 December 2011 22:21

reminds of the horribly slow murderer with the extremely inefficient weapon on youtube

cjade5 | 0

#3721936 - Monday 12 December 2011 22:53

Just apologize to your wife?

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3722122 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:53

VOODOO TIME

habibiiiiiii | 2

#3722138 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:58

I love ur pic ! #17

DryHumor | 4

#3722247 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:28

87 I love that movie.

Dojan | 16

#3723089 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:11

There's two instances of the letter "i" in the word aluminium!!
A-lu-mini-um.

KaySL | 24

#3723344 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:20

Not if you speak American English.

By abbytequiere | 9

#3719686 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:45

Yes, because there are so many things one can do with a spoon. Well.. I guess there are. If you're creative...

yahoowizard | 16

#3720144 - Monday 12 December 2011 11:18

It's what makes her plan so good...she can't take the knife or fork since it's obvious and OP will call her out on it. Rather, she takes the spoon which mind fucks OP out of sleep