Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to...

By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Who's a good boy?

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Adios Career - 26/11/2015 16:27 - United States

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 20:16 - United States

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

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By Steve.mc - 1/5/2011 07:03 - Canada

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

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By heart-broken - 3/7/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By SexyQueen0905 - 17/5/2011 13:05

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

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By :( - 28/3/2014 20:25 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

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By - 8/2/2020 18:00

Crazy party

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By bigblue51 - 22/5/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, while interviewing for a job I had to read over the physical requirements for the job. Later on she asked me how flexible I was. Trying to keep a straight face, I told her I was more flexible while I was playing sports but could work on it if I need to. She was talking about work hours. FML

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By shinoza - 13/2/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

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By LetsMakeLove - 10/6/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

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By padre74 - 3/10/2016 17:31 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 00:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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By charma - 11/7/2009 13:14 - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

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By happybidet - 31/10/2016 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

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By sigh - 24/11/2011 19:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML

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By badtimingdude - 18/8/2009 16:34 - Mauritius

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

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By Mylifesintatterssendhelp - 12/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went to a tattoo artist to get what I thought would be really cute, elegant finger tattoos. I left with wobbly, blobby messes all over my fingers. FML

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By "jesstracy" - 4/10/2017 09:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

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By brodinn - 11/4/2014 13:48 - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

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By Oops - 24/10/2009 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

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By Jason Brazil - 13/8/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - 8/8/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

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By funyfunkid - 22/12/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 09:41 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Micheal - 23/11/2009 03:59 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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By catlover - 16/6/2011 16:14 - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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By nick - 24/12/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

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By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By almost jobless - 11/7/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

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By liberatedwoman - 11/8/2009 14:57 - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

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By Malina - 4/1/2015 01:42 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#3719747 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:52

OP and wife fought
OP went downstairs to couch
OP's wife grabbed spoon
Spoon can be used to hurt people
OP afraid

By SilentTreatment | 7

#3719813 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:06

Well since OP isn't sleeping in the same bed with her, she probably wanted something to spoon with! :P

Comments

By Pixie333 | 6

#3719676 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:44

Wait what? I don't get it..

WCARlover | 34

#3719747 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:52

OP and wife fought
OP went downstairs to couch
OP's wife grabbed spoon
Spoon can be used to hurt people
OP afraid

ariannaimelda | 7

#3719797 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:02

Spoon = possible surprise buttsecks for OP

SilentTreatment | 7

#3719813 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:06

Well since OP isn't sleeping in the same bed with her, she probably wanted something to spoon with! :P

baconstrips | 12

#3719883 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:17

RUN, FUCKING RUN

kaprookie | 3

#3719927 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:25

What if she was just using the spoon to eat ice cream?

Jonkbaby | 18

#3720080 - Monday 12 December 2011 10:36

well you're not there, how else is she gonna spoon?

moodyreallyrocks | 27

#3720754 - Monday 12 December 2011 16:26

LOL!

rallets | 22

#3721853 - Monday 12 December 2011 22:21

reminds of the horribly slow murderer with the extremely inefficient weapon on youtube

cjade5 | 0

#3721936 - Monday 12 December 2011 22:53

Just apologize to your wife?

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3722122 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:53

VOODOO TIME

habibiiiiiii | 2

#3722138 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:58

I love ur pic ! #17

DryHumor | 4

#3722247 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:28

87 I love that movie.

Dojan | 16

#3723089 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:11

There's two instances of the letter "i" in the word aluminium!!
A-lu-mini-um.

KaySL | 24

#3723344 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:20

Not if you speak American English.

By abbytequiere | 9

#3719686 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:45

Yes, because there are so many things one can do with a spoon. Well.. I guess there are. If you're creative...

yahoowizard | 16

#3720144 - Monday 12 December 2011 11:18

It's what makes her plan so good...she can't take the knife or fork since it's obvious and OP will call her out on it. Rather, she takes the spoon which mind fucks OP out of sleep