Love: Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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Love

Midlife crisis

Clean up in aisle 3 please

Unreasonable

By J.O.S - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 16:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Stealth attack

Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML

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648

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By problems - Thailand - Phuket

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By FUCK THE PIGS - United States - Oakland

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

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By RoseTylerTheDoctor - United States - Boise

Today, I told my crush how I feel about him. It's been over 12 hours and he still says he's thinking about it. I asked him about it ; he says he's thinking of how to reject me. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By frenchy - United States

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

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By mild banana - United States - Cedar Hill

Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML

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By sarabalism - Canada

Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

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44757

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By Anonymous - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

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33028

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By missedout - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - Serbia - Pancevo

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

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16788

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1376

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By Juliet

Today, I auditioned for my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. When they announced that I got the part as Juliet, all the guys auditioning for Romeo suddenly disappeared. FML

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46870

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By Alexea Luton

The eye of the beholder

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

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1902

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By PerpetuallyHappy - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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26780

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By Seriouslynow - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

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11838

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By thefriedman - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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44416

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By shadowsonicstar - United States

Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - College Place

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

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By gassy

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I realized that the only times I get to hang out with my friends outside of school are when one of them accidentally mentions plans in front of me and they are obligated by social protocol to invite me. FML

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By Ondskansgris - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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134935

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By postop - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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31747

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I took a walk on the wharf. We walked by a Wax Museum and in front of the museum there was a bench with a very realistic wax man sitting on it. I got very close to his face and yelled over to my husband how realistic the wax man looked. Just then, he coughed. FML

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8680

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By canadiansun - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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24127

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By ThisChick - United States - New Orleans

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

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By Username

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By astalkerindeed - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By Elliot - United Kingdom

Today, I lifted up my blinds, only for them to detach from the wall, hit me on the head, knock a pile of paper over, spill a can of Pepsi, leave plaster all over the floor and a gaping hole in the wall above my window. FML

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36051

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By watch_corn_dance - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49999

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By hitandrun - United States

Confess!

Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML

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11143

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

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38505

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By emix - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#3719747 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:52

OP and wife fought
OP went downstairs to couch
OP's wife grabbed spoon
Spoon can be used to hurt people
OP afraid

By SilentTreatment | 7

#3719813 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:06

Well since OP isn't sleeping in the same bed with her, she probably wanted something to spoon with! :P

COMMENTS

By Pixie333 | 6

#3719676 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:44

Wait what? I don't get it..

WCARlover | 34

#3719747 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:52

OP and wife fought
OP went downstairs to couch
OP's wife grabbed spoon
Spoon can be used to hurt people
OP afraid

ariannaimelda | 7

#3719797 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:02

Spoon = possible surprise buttsecks for OP

SilentTreatment | 7

#3719813 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:06

Well since OP isn't sleeping in the same bed with her, she probably wanted something to spoon with! :P

baconstrips | 12

#3719883 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:17

RUN, FUCKING RUN

kaprookie | 3

#3719927 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:25

What if she was just using the spoon to eat ice cream?

Jonkbaby | 20

#3720080 - Monday 12 December 2011 10:36

well you're not there, how else is she gonna spoon?

moodyreallyrocks | 27

#3720754 - Monday 12 December 2011 16:26

LOL!

rallets | 22

#3721853 - Monday 12 December 2011 22:21

reminds of the horribly slow murderer with the extremely inefficient weapon on youtube

cjade5 | 0

#3721936 - Monday 12 December 2011 22:53

Just apologize to your wife?

nahgemsoohc | 0

#3722122 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:53

VOODOO TIME

habibiiiiiii | 2

#3722138 - Monday 12 December 2011 23:58

I love ur pic ! #17

DryHumor | 4

#3722247 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:28

87 I love that movie.

Dojan | 16

#3723089 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:11

There's two instances of the letter "i" in the word aluminium!!
A-lu-mini-um.

KaySL | 24

#3723344 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:20

Not if you speak American English.

By abbytequiere | 9

#3719686 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:45

Yes, because there are so many things one can do with a spoon. Well.. I guess there are. If you're creative...

yahoowizard | 16

#3720144 - Monday 12 December 2011 11:18

It's what makes her plan so good...she can't take the knife or fork since it's obvious and OP will call her out on it. Rather, she takes the spoon which mind fucks OP out of sleep