Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have... - FML

By fukinlonely - 12/1/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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Work name

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

A beautiful truck decoration

By Meghan - 22/2/2013 01:33 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "the lovely Meghan". I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 19:11 - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By Badaboom - 23/5/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

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By Disappointed - 31/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

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By I_Lossed - 3/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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By Puppy Loverr - 25/8/2011 07:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2014 02:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

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By Z - 26/11/2012 10:26 - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:51 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 23:14 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:42 - Ireland

Today, I found the family's pet hamster under my mattress, he's been missing for six months. FML

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By fedUPwithPEOPLE - 31/7/2014 07:35 - United States - Enterprise

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

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By blocked_by_fire - 17/4/2012 18:13 - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

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By sierra - 28/6/2012 21:55 - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML

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By Finn - 5/7/2016 06:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

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By anon - 19/1/2015 05:35 - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 23:19 - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By futuregigolo - 22/12/2012 00:11 - United States - Strasburg

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

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By Whitley - 4/11/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend, I said “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized! ...FML

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By Notcheating - 3/12/2019 18:00

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2012 22:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

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By kelly - 21/3/2011 07:07 - Estonia

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I'm coming over for a visit. She answered: 'Why? What do you need? Food? Money? I'm not going to help you! You're a grown woman!' And she hung up. I just found out that I'm pregnant and she was the first person I wanted to share it with. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen - 24/6/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By emzymcsmiles - 8/10/2019 02:00

Bye bye, then

Today, I learnt that I can't share my things with other people. This includes my girlfriend. FML

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By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By Mick - 20/2/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

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By Churizmo - 19/7/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

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By Alexis - 16/1/2017 15:14

Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By cai - 29/10/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. He was drunk and won't remember any of this tomorrow. FML

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By xMiSS_CuTiEx - 27/12/2010 22:25 - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

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By grossedout - 6/9/2011 05:33 - United States

Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML

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By kiki - 5/8/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By IkeTheIntern - 18/9/2015 20:02 - Canada

Today, my boss told me to stop giving work to our college intern because it's an embarrassment to have someone who hasn't finished college working for him. This is the same boss who constantly brags about being a high school drop out. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 17:04 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out my brother doesn't have a problem with "keeping it in the family". It's now up to me to explain why our cousin is pregnant with his kid. FML

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Top comments

By BBeffedmylife | 28

#6170894 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

I think now would be a good time to go out for a stroll or a cup of coffee..

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#6170897 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:44

Better go get a hobby.

Comments

By TM24D | 15

#6170892 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

I'm sorry dude that sucks :(

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6171088 - Monday 12 January 2015 20:53

Thank you for that wonderful insight

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6171103 - Monday 12 January 2015 21:19

It would suck more if they were doing it in OP's bed.

Reply

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6171211 - Monday 12 January 2015 23:17

And left the used condom in there

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6171525 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 5:45

It would suck more if OP could see them and they were, well, sucking more!

Reply

TM24D | 15

#6174509 - Friday 16 January 2015 18:38

@davidpropert Screw you, sarcastic twat.

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6177365 - Monday 19 January 2015 16:30

Anytime :)

By bardo264 | 17

#6170893 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

That sounds really lonely. Hang in there, op!

By BBeffedmylife | 28

#6170894 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

I think now would be a good time to go out for a stroll or a cup of coffee..

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6170972 - Monday 12 January 2015 18:55

Why not just play some Marvin Gaye loud. Nothing wrong with the roomies getting some. Hopefully op will find something to make her happy.

Reply

lndala | 15

#6171137 - Monday 12 January 2015 21:56

Op is male

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6171147 - Monday 12 January 2015 22:05

Touché. Does it really matter though?

Reply

iAmPaul | 49

#6171426 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 3:22

Yes, it does.

By DrCheese | 16

#6170895 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:43

But headphones.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#6170897 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:44

Better go get a hobby.

By Eliseopwns | 22

#6170902 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:47

You don't need a date to be happy; but if you want one, go get 'em, tiger!

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6170903 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:48

It's not worth obsessing about having a date or a gf. Just go out and enjoy your own life without relying on others. Plus, if you go out and do things you enjoy, you're more likely to find a like-minded girl ;)

Reply

jaredofmo | 22

#6172067 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:04

That's how I feel. Go and live life, and sometime, you may run into someone to live life with.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6170904 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:48

I'd go out, take a walk or something.

By 5secondsofvvifi | 21

#6170905 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:49

I think it's time to get out, maybe call up some friends for coffee or something. Or just take a stroll with your earbuds. You sound a little lonely, hang tight!

Reply

martin8337 | 35

#6171276 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 0:11

Try dating or hookup websites.

By UhHuhHoney | 20

#6170906 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:49

Well sitting around isn't going to get you a date haha