Love: Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have... - FML

By fukinlonely - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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Vulture

Workaholic

Looks like we made it… Oh.

By Honestly - United Kingdom - Measham

Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my child's kindergarten teacher told me that my child said, "My mom drinks wine and lays down." I don't drink alcohol, although at times I drink juice in a wine glass. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm an alcoholic. FML

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By omgn00blolz89 - United States

Today, I was walking my little sister home from the eye doctor. It was raining out so we were kind of in a hurry to get home. We get home and about half an hour later, the cops show up. Apparently, someone saw me walking my sister and called the cops on me thinking I was a child molester. FML

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By -_- - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the closest I got to a vacation was the smell of my new towels, because they remind me of a hotel. FML

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By nearlythere - Australia

Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML

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By Moon-chan - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to explain to my grandmother why, "What a nice singing voice! He doesn't sound black at all!" is not a compliment. FML

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By gabess - France

Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

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By EmBAREassed - United States

Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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By Qwe - United States - North Attleboro

Today, I dropped my wallet and it fell into the perfectly sized hole in the storm drain. FML

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By brenami - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

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By Unlucky. - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By SlothyMolly - United States

Hey, it's you!

Today, while working my shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy started flirting with me. He said, "You remind me of something," acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I used to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, "No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe." FML

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By Xpresss - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By tinypenis - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

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By ALLALA - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

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By lucasbeck99 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

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By pigeons_suck - United States

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2020 22:59

Observational comedy

Today, I, an insecure high school student, told my 11-year-old sister that I got my period in third grade. She responded with, “What?! Then how come you didn’t have tits until last year?” FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 07:04 - France

Pro gamer move

Today, I wanted to play Among Us for a little distraction. I ended up having a panic attack. FML

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By DC - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By Minabee - United States

Today, I am meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In so doing, I accidentally touched the iron to my neck, and now I have a burn there that closely resembles a hickey. FML

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By Anonymous

Creep

Today, I found out that the guy I've been anonymously sexting with through an adult website is the seriously creepy stalker-ish front desk worker from our office building, who also happens to be the building owner's son. Shit. FML

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By Robert - 6/2/2021 14:00 - United States

Shitheads

Today, it's been a week since I hired a 17 year-old guy to work at my store. Three of his friends decided to come in today and "prank" him by all three taking a shit in one toilet and clog it. The toilet overflowed. FML

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By Anon - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

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By sumerflame07 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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By f my lifw - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wannabe psychologist of a brother accused me of lying about all the violence and emotional abuse my ex inflicted on me, all because I went into "too much detail" when describing it, which he says is something only liars do. Thanks for the support. FML

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By DriveMeNot - United States

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

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By Maddie

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

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By Molly - United States

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

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By DarkDolly - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

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By air - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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Top comments

By BBeffedmylife | 28

#6170894 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

I think now would be a good time to go out for a stroll or a cup of coffee..

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#6170897 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:44

Better go get a hobby.

COMMENTS

By TM24D | 15

#6170892 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

I'm sorry dude that sucks :(

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6171088 - Monday 12 January 2015 20:53

Thank you for that wonderful insight

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6171103 - Monday 12 January 2015 21:19

It would suck more if they were doing it in OP's bed.

Reply

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6171211 - Monday 12 January 2015 23:17

And left the used condom in there

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6171525 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 5:45

It would suck more if OP could see them and they were, well, sucking more!

Reply

TM24D | 15

#6174509 - Friday 16 January 2015 18:38

@davidpropert Screw you, sarcastic twat.

Reply

davidpropert | 32

#6177365 - Monday 19 January 2015 16:30

Anytime :)

By bardo264 | 17

#6170893 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

That sounds really lonely. Hang in there, op!

By BBeffedmylife | 28

#6170894 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:42

I think now would be a good time to go out for a stroll or a cup of coffee..

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6170972 - Monday 12 January 2015 18:55

Why not just play some Marvin Gaye loud. Nothing wrong with the roomies getting some. Hopefully op will find something to make her happy.

Reply

lndala | 15

#6171137 - Monday 12 January 2015 21:56

Op is male

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6171147 - Monday 12 January 2015 22:05

Touché. Does it really matter though?

Reply

iAmPaul | 49

#6171426 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 3:22

Yes, it does.

By DrCheese | 16

#6170895 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:43

But headphones.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#6170897 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:44

Better go get a hobby.

By Eliseopwns | 22

#6170902 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:47

You don't need a date to be happy; but if you want one, go get 'em, tiger!

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6170903 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:48

It's not worth obsessing about having a date or a gf. Just go out and enjoy your own life without relying on others. Plus, if you go out and do things you enjoy, you're more likely to find a like-minded girl ;)

Reply

jaredofmo | 22

#6172067 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:04

That's how I feel. Go and live life, and sometime, you may run into someone to live life with.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6170904 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:48

I'd go out, take a walk or something.

By 5secondsofvvifi | 21

#6170905 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:49

I think it's time to get out, maybe call up some friends for coffee or something. Or just take a stroll with your earbuds. You sound a little lonely, hang tight!

Reply

martin8337 | 35

#6171276 - Tuesday 13 January 2015 0:11

Try dating or hookup websites.

By UhHuhHoney | 20

#6170906 - Monday 12 January 2015 17:49

Well sitting around isn't going to get you a date haha