Work: Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also...

By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

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Work

The smell detective is on the case

Leave us alone

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By pot, meet kettle - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I was chatting online with a guy I really like, when he used the word "irregardless." I couldn't help but mention how little sense it makes, since it's a combination of two words meaning roughly the same thing. He replied, "lol what? your stupid." Jesus Christ. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML

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By Barstaff - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

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By sstahpp - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

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By CheatedOn - Romania

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. The reason? She slept with four men while I was two weeks away visiting my brother. She told me it was because she missed me so much. FML

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By poorcar - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

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By pennyhater - United States

Today, I was locked inside my dorm room. Yeah, inside. How? Some of my floormates decided to stick pennies in the door frame, which jammed the handle. I was stuck inside my room and had to pee really bad. I couldn't call an RA to get me out either. Why? I am the RA. FML

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By Madokami - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Chandler?

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

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By sa la vash - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

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By HatedbyBras - Netherlands

Today, I tried to take off my girlfriend's bra. When I finally unhooked it, it snapped back and hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

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By yuck

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By yuyu - 10/7/2021 08:01 - Japan

Lockdown 4: Covid strikes back

Today, here in Japan, it was announced that we are going into ANOTHER state of emergency, for the fourth time, meaning restaurants, movies, theaters, all will be closed. BUT they will still host the Olympics. FML

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By Anonymous - Colombia - Bogot?

Any damage? Who nose?

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML

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By Anonymous

So selfish

Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 20:01 - Panama - Cuba

I blame the parents

Today, after being kicked out of our school for leaving the country, neither of my guardians want to take charge of our education. So me, being sixteen, I have to do hundreds of assignments for my sister and me, who was already supposed to have graduated. Yay "Home schooling." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 00:30

Don't be an asshole

Today, the only person I know that ever traveled with me told me he doesn't enjoy the experience and thinks I'm an asshole, so I don't have a travel buddy any more. Every affordable trip requires two people. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By Jake - United States

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

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By CatLady - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to give his cat medicine. Unfortunately, it reacted in a way it never had before: clawed his arms to bits, bit him so hard a tooth fell out, peed everywhere, including on me, and pooped on the carpet. FML

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By assholedad - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

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By strongjon60 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By Robert

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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By Less Friendship, More Cash - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I realized one of my best friends was only friends with me because I would take her shopping, spoil her regularly, and help her out financially. She moved to another province and only contacted me whenever she wanted money. After I refused a couple of times, she deleted me on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

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By elle

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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Top comments

By cartedor | 18

#5311200 - Sunday 6 January 2013 11:45

Hey if they offer more money, take all your trade secrets with you to go the other side, make sure you do a good job to kill their business

By inestimable_fml | 8

#1819950 - Thursday 9 December 2010 17:45

He wants you to do corporate espionage :D

COMMENTS

By davidcassoa | 0

#123743 - Sunday 19 April 2009 4:59

props on pointing out the obvious

By SAF_fml | 0

#394842 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 8:15

props on having a hysterically and abnormally small penis david

By SAF_fml | 0

#418248 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 5:49

mens asses

By Synnie | 0

#579587 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 3:32

They'd probably send you right back.

By RatIsKing | 0

#613005 - Saturday 10 October 2009 5:17

either this is fake or your boss reads the funnies. I read this joke in a comic before

By zezjo | 3

#624640 - Saturday 17 October 2009 19:16

lol

By Boygenius50 | 8

#701522 - Thursday 3 December 2009 5:37

OMG I've totally read that comic before!!!!!

By Rishy | 0

#949352 - Monday 15 March 2010 10:45

Your boss reads crap

By ilovethatfreak | 0

#984237 - Saturday 24 April 2010 8:40

haha fail

By 666Broghan666 | 0

#1030119 - Monday 14 June 2010 9:35

Only 10 comments so far?