Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also...

By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

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Work

No one likes a smart-ass

Don't shoot the messenger

Can they do that?

By lopsided - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

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By N - United States - Glenwood Springs

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

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14471

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By duko3000 - Canada

Today, I found out the reason I can't get a job. My previous employer didn't know my name, so when places I applied to called there for a reference, my boss said he had no recollection of me working there. FML

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By shellbom - United Kingdom

Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said "how would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

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By beno - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

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29275

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By "Courtney Edwards" - United Kingdom - Cwmbran

Today, I was taking care of the general public as a first aider in a massive event. Since the temperature was high, we were expecting many of the older-than-middle-aged women to collapse of heat exhaustion and need to be treated. I didn't realise I would be one of those affected. FML

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By Misskittygal14

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

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By why - United States - Lexington

Today, we were having a family dinner with my boyfriend's parents and mine. In the kitchen, when we were getting the food ready, he proposed. I screamed. My dad thought he was hurting me, came in and tased him in the leg. FML

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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By 3sacrowd - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, I found out that my fiancé's sister, who only got engaged a couple of months ago, is getting married before us. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't planning her wedding to be exactly like ours will be. FML

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25606

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By Filingfordivorce

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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38427

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By HWS - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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35190

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By Anonymous - United States - Arcadia

Today, my grandma saw me putting some mints in my mouth when she walked by my room. Instead of confronting me, she told my dad I was doing drugs. FML

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20617

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

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62895

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1444

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100

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By 713 - United States

Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML

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32411

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By Life of the party - France

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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5932

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By andibartle - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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By Darth Spasticus - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

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By Ohdear - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was holding the ladder while my husband was in the attic, and I let out a silent fart, thinking he wouldn't notice. A minute later, he complained of the dreadful smell and told me he was checking for a dead animal. FML

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By mommabuser

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

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9479

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By FML4evs - United States

Today, my younger brother watched an old music video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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By lifesux - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

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33941

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By spoton

Today, I sliced my finger on the register drawer. Not wanting to freak out my customer, I stuck my hand in my pocket and finished giving them change. Now I look like I period-bled through the front of my pants. Only 10 hours to go. FML

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5697

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By microtech - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

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34525

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

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47291

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By Alaska - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

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21780

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By Beaten - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML

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By Ouijake

Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML

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7453

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

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42545

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By Anonymous

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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3526

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178

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By testacular - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Bad blow job

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

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24609

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By j. farmer-smith - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

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3061

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By Avnirvana - 7/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Fair analysis

Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML

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361

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By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

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4148

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By TT - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

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59570

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Top comments

By cartedor | 18

#5311200 - Sunday 6 January 2013 11:45

Hey if they offer more money, take all your trade secrets with you to go the other side, make sure you do a good job to kill their business

By inestimable_fml | 8

#1819950 - Thursday 9 December 2010 17:45

He wants you to do corporate espionage :D

COMMENTS

By davidcassoa | 0

#123743 - Sunday 19 April 2009 4:59

props on pointing out the obvious

By SAF_fml | 0

#394842 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 8:15

props on having a hysterically and abnormally small penis david

By SAF_fml | 0

#418248 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 5:49

mens asses

By Synnie | 0

#579587 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 3:32

They'd probably send you right back.

By RatIsKing | 0

#613005 - Saturday 10 October 2009 5:17

either this is fake or your boss reads the funnies. I read this joke in a comic before

By zezjo | 3

#624640 - Saturday 17 October 2009 19:16

lol

By Boygenius50 | 8

#701522 - Thursday 3 December 2009 5:37

OMG I've totally read that comic before!!!!!

By Rishy | 0

#949352 - Monday 15 March 2010 10:45

Your boss reads crap

By ilovethatfreak | 0

#984237 - Saturday 24 April 2010 8:40

haha fail

By 666Broghan666 | 0

#1030119 - Monday 14 June 2010 9:35

Only 10 comments so far?