Sledding Fail

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

Our house, in the middle of our street

Buyer's market

Grow up

By gotmon3y - United States

15889

81620

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

By Anonymous - Canada

30146

12743

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

By Thanks Santa

8464

555

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

By The_Black_Jesus - United States

51256

5217

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

39202

7631

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

By Josh - United States - Fenton

36842

7815

Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML

By georgiaswish - United Kingdom

54908

3818

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

By Anonymous

2082

272

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

By anonymous - United States

38364

12186

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

By Ryan - United States

60158

7440

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

80604

8110

Today, I was unable to go on my dream vacation because I thought I'd lost my passport. Feeling incredibly stupid, I had no choice but to watch my plane depart without me. Shortly after, my brother handed me passport, saying that since I wasn't going on my trip, I could use my refund to pay for his cat's surgery. My trip was non-refundable. FML

By Anonymous

The old switcheroo

2431

167

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

By Brinty - Australia

36342

3553

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

By imma ture

21841

6045

Today, I realized that my fiancée is using our son to make sure we can't have sex. He's two years-old and hasn't once slept in his own bed or crib. FML

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - United States

No sex for you

910

164

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

By unwantedlove - France

41015

6882

Today, I noticed the results of my hair growth vitamins. It's been a month since my bad haircut, and I've seen some definite growth... Everywhere except my head. FML

By fml

2733

312

Today, my best friend and my ex-boyfriend went on a business trip, got drunk, and ended up sleeping together. Now they want to start dating. FML

By Anonymous

2773

309

Today, I got mugged while walking my dog. He seemed to be OK with it. FML

By woofwoof - Turkey - Izmir

31945

2982

Today, my mom caught me vaping weed oil and tried to ground me. I’m 33 years old, with my own wife and kids, weed is legal in this state with a medical card, and I use it to treat the seizures I’ve had since mom belted me around the head as a kid, giving me brain damage. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 20:01

Toxic parents

2896

207

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

By harrypottermuch - Canada

17305

42974

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

By Noname - United States

135602

24391

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

By Bilibók Renáta

1344

791

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years proposed to me. Less than 3 hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

By mahanaaa_23 - United States - Honolulu

45711

4380

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

By BrokeBride - United States - Hudson

44348

3317

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

34473

2040

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

By Noname - Canada

24318

2169

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

By justinj360 - United States

35687

2590

Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

1169

552

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

By believe me now?? - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

25597

2045

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

By idontevengetpaid - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

10100

15115

Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

By iliana74 - United States - Hamilton

22845

2222

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

31049

5110

Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML

By Anonymous - United States

57251

7583

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

By Lara - Germany - Bremen

19329

8305

Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML

By jonjon - United States

8922

47139

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

By Blue_Heart - Canada - Brampton

25795

1949

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

By Tucker - United States

7466

48216

Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 17:01

Like a virgin

1579

420

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

By Shelly - United States

25040

12549