Sledding Fail

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

Trust

Deep-seated resentment

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By not4geeks - 15/5/2009 21:17 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend couldn't go on a date with me because his mom said no. He's 23. FML

By Serire - 23/9/2014 00:23 - United States - Monroe

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5171

Today, while dropping files off at my boss's house, I tripped and fell into his fish tank. We both watched as a crack spread all the way across the glass and shattered, covering his carpet in fish and water. His only words to me were, "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe." FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2018 01:30

4296

528

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

By wow - 16/5/2019 00:05

Another fine mess

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281

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

By ugh - 5/10/2010 00:57 - United States

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Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 18:49 - Canada - Brampton

26008

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Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

By mocass’1 - 13/10/2008 08:19 - France

96466

43722

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

By Username - 3/6/2011 14:04 - United States

11916

59796

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

By AndI'veHadChildren - 10/10/2017 17:15 - United States

4484

208

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

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Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

By suckstosuck - 23/7/2013 04:04 - United States - Dana Point

62784

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Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

By Chatons - 5/12/2013 06:52 - Switzerland

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Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

By Hannah - 17/6/2011 21:24 - Ireland

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Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML

By Loved - 25/5/2019 16:15

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Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML

By britt93 - 26/9/2019 00:01

Ol' Blue Eyes

1162

365

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. After being upset for not hearing my car alarm go off I realized it had in the middle of the night. I had woken up and cursed the idiot who set off their alarm and put a pillow over my head, falling back to sleep shortly after. FML

By Noname - 13/3/2009 03:42 - United States

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Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 04:04

1224

790

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

By e11ie - 27/9/2009 20:57 - United States

25772

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Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

By boob sisters - 2/7/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

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29179

Today, we had our whole staff photo. We all had to stand up in rows in height order, as I'm tall I had to stand in the middle, at the back. I'm horribly claustrophobic and ended up fainting in front of 100 colleagues, taking down 4 people around me. FML

By photofaint - 23/2/2012 12:11 - United Kingdom

27171

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Today, my 81-year-old mother threw out the packaging for a 3-day-old $1,700 monitor I was going to return due to a defect. I live in my own home, but she randomly visits to "clean up" without asking me. Now I'm stuck with an expensive, defective monitor. FML

By Ozzie - 29/9/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

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Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

By knzknz - 7/10/2011 00:40 - Canada

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Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2011 05:31 - United States

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Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

By Mamaofdrama - 6/4/2019 18:00

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Today, my boyfriend told me that he would leave me if I didn't seek help for my eating disorder. The eating disorder in question? Vegetarianism. FML

By itsellie27 - 30/8/2013 14:44 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

By kennyjhynes - 23/6/2014 13:56 - United States

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Today, my garage got broken into and someone stole my $3000 bike. I bought it a month ago while I recovered from a knee injury. I just got enough strength 2 days ago to ride it. I've only ridden it once. FML

By XxrudyxX - 12/10/2018 05:30 - Canada - Fort Saskatchewan

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Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

By AKN - 29/1/2009 00:33 - United States

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Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

By holycrap - 3/3/2010 05:37 - United States

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Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

By swaiteATC - 28/7/2009 04:11 - United States

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Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

By Purple-jacket - 10/4/2019 04:00

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Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 02:05 - United States

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Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

By FlipYoC - 16/9/2009 06:15 - United States

8709

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Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

By Badlucked - 3/5/2019 06:00 - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

By Rachel - 20/7/2012 05:13 - United States

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Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

By welp - 28/10/2015 04:11 - United States - Belton

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Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

By Anonymous - 4/1/2014 23:13 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

By Gloria - 9/6/2018 05:00

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Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

By Rachel - 23/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Waynesburg

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Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 15:04 - Canada - Whitecourt

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