Sledding Fail

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

Slow moving accident

Priorities

All that time I'm never getting back

By Drunken Sailor - United States

52637

3415

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Pants on fire

1468

138

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

By whydoihavecats - United Kingdom

26415

2643

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

By Anonymous

5162

234

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

By Max - United States - Bluffton

6985

639

Today, my dog surprised everyone by somehow managing to climb on the roof. I followed him up and spent the next hour trying to catch him. FML

By crazydog - United Kingdom

29571

4171

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

By checkup - United Kingdom - Redditch

43090

5027

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

By Dasani - United States

37363

8969

Today, my dad and I had an argument. Then we went outside to shovel the snow out of the driveway. I heard him yelling and figured he was just yelling at me some more, so I turned my iPod up so I couldn't hear him anymore. Turns out he had fallen, cracked a rib, and needed help up. FML

By skinsfan7592 - United States

12116

43949

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

1229

481

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

41514

3153

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

By Daddo - United States - Elkhart

Call CPS!

4111

401

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

By smurfpoo - Canada

45132

4178

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

By love and tolerape, apparently - India - Jamshedpur

36871

8299

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

By Anonymous - United States

76175

16646

Today, I told the man I'm sleeping with I thought my sister was prettier than me. His response: "not significantly." FML

By xyz - Ireland

17768

30631

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

By unluckylassy - Ireland

56982

6168

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

By Winchesterlover - United States

35727

8824

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

By Anonymous

1582

115

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

By Anonymous

2650

4444

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

By Rajin - Canada

125607

16826

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

By swallowsafly

2037

117

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

By Loserman67

4432

702

Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML

By i hit a cyclist - United Kingdom - Nottingham

55975

25560

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

By ks.swan13

43548

2883

Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

By Anonymous - United States

7628

40970

Today, a package was delivered to my house. Thinking it was my new blender, I hurriedly brought it in to open it. Inside the box was an assortment of rotten vegetables that stank like Satan's asshole. I have no idea who it's from or why they hate me so much. FML

By CabbageFart92

Thanks, I hate it

3466

287

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

By Username - United States

18314

59786

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

By johnfrank - United States

67587

35203

Today, I went for a job interview I scheduled 3 weeks ago. I spent $200 on a new suit to really impress them and practised like crazy every imaginable question they could ask. They already had filled the position 2 weeks ago and forgot to inform me. FML

By kristine29 - United States

32301

2790

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

By iskalion - Canada - Grande Prairie

26232

5360

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

By Nogood - Australia - Wahroonga

34058

2992

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

By :| - New Zealand - Nelson

29620

4234

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

By Really? - Australia - Homebush

8436

1120

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Orange Park

9695

647

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Oh, hi grandma!

1085

295

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

By nean83 - United States - Inglewood

24404

39696

Today, it was nice out, so I drove with my car windows down. I was stopped trying to turn onto a busy highway, when a car turned off the highway right next to me, hit a pothole, and splashed dirty water into my window and into my open mouth. FML

By pothole - United States

24976

4145

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents and the question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absent-mindedly typed the old dating site. I swiped completely dry with no responses into my browser, reminding myself that my entire city didn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 05:02

Lonely, so lonely

684

1006

Today, after my boyfriend and I had gotten frisky last night, I found a note on the front door of my building that read, "Dear girl in apartment 3D, from now on please close the blinds all the way or lose 30 pounds. Either would be acceptable." FML

By Anonymous - Europe

35553

18149