Love: Today, at a party, I told a joke to my crush. He didn't even...

By egc573 - 24/06/2012 23:39 - United States - Fullerton

Today, at a party, I told a joke to my crush. He didn't even smile. An hour later, I heard my model friend tell the exact same joke to him. He said it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 607

You deserved it 2 757

egc573 tells us more.

egc573 40

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Monday 25 June 2012 15:39

You guys are great. If I was broken up about this at all, I'd feel much better from a lot of the comments. I'd been flirting with this guy for a while, and this was the coldest he'd ever been to me. He met my friend that very night and wanted to get laid is all. But joke's on him--the friend's engaged! As for the whole maybe my friend told the joke better thing, it's not the kind of joke that needs a bunch of buildup and then a big punchline. It was more of a sarcastic comment-type thing. She didn't tell it any better than I did.

Love

The smell detective is on the case

New life

Keep up!

Alexa, play "Jobseeker" by Sleaford Mods

By Anonymous - 22/09/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a mandatory online meeting with a special work program early in the morning. Despite having insomnia for the past three weeks, I got up on time. No one has emailed me a meeting link, and no replies either. Now, I'm afraid I will lose what little "benefit" the government throws my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 81

Suffer little chives

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I found out where the puddle in the basement came from. I thought the freezer was broken, but no. My mom is running what can only be called a death camp for vegetables in there. She buys them, then forgets about them until they turn liquid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 57

By kklaucen14 - 06/08/2012 01:15 - United States - Connersville

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 931

You deserved it 3 247

By thanks_world - 26/12/2013 06:48 - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 288

You deserved it 3 140

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 06:30

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 728

You deserved it 117

By hamandegger - 04/02/2013 20:17 - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 200

You deserved it 4 483

By hugedissapointment - 09/08/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 899

You deserved it 63 487

By Anonymous - 18/08/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 677

You deserved it 3 437

By Florida - 24/11/2016 03:04 - United States - Winchester

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 870

You deserved it 694

By bm - 11/02/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 077

You deserved it 2 618

Awkward family moments

By hated - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 944

You deserved it 2 913

Stoner Logic

By Anonymous - 07/08/2017 00:30

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 171

You deserved it 11 206

By Foolish - 18/07/2016 06:51 - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 192

You deserved it 1 887

By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 109

You deserved it 2 296

By gayvsgay - 06/03/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 761

You deserved it 1 809

The truth

By vmml97 - 17/08/2009 21:16 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him, "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was, "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 809

You deserved it 25 303

Priorities

By Brodam - 17/09/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 168

By Taylor - 02/07/2019 20:00

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who loves board games, to give me advice on a board game I'm making. I ended up crying in the fetal position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 420

You deserved it 433

Child's play

By Misbah Akhtar - 21/11/2020 12:59 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my 6 year-old brought me a card. On it was a turd belonging to my 4 year-old son. She got excited and grossed out, and threw it on the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 332

Make believe

By SN MetalMilitia - 03/11/2020 05:02

Today, I once again bought condoms at the gas station to make the people who work there think that I have a sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 1 183

Eau de toilette

By anon - 05/03/2011 10:15 - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 394

You deserved it 3 096

By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 908

You deserved it 5 556

By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 028

You deserved it 3 964

By lpspann87 - 25/04/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 547

You deserved it 3 626

By jakethed0g - 10/08/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 268

You deserved it 3 051

By ChocolateEverywhere - 23/03/2017 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 718

You deserved it 465

By catcraze - 20/05/2013 23:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new cat. It was fine for a couple of hours until it gave birth in my kitchen. The seller claims to have no idea that it was pregnant. Now I have to take care of 7 cats instead of 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 849

You deserved it 6 712

By sobasics - 06/05/2013 23:43 - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 343

You deserved it 3 704

By Jenny - 09/02/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, for our 8 month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 269

You deserved it 4 811

By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 2 953

By K123 - 06/06/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 953

You deserved it 5 401

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 14:30

Today, for the third time this month, my family ridiculed me for being picky for ordering a burger without lettuce. They know I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 713

You deserved it 163

By PoorCar - 20/09/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 210

You deserved it 2 337

Faint praise

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 12:02 - Romania - Iasi

Today, we had a group of friends over, as well as my grandma. She started talking about me when I was a kid, when I suddenly heard her saying, "Well, yeah, she wasn’t a beautiful child, not at all, she looked.… OK." FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 65

By wtf yourself, cunt - 17/09/2012 23:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, at school, a guy walked up to me and said I look a little too young to be at high school. I told him that I'm sixteen years old. He stared at my chest for several long seconds, muttered "What the fuck?" and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 516

You deserved it 2 791

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 187

By anonya - 28/08/2012 04:43 - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 825

You deserved it 3 076

By xricardo - 05/06/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 912

You deserved it 26 304

Suspicious

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 15:02 - United States - Boise

Today, I pulled over because my cell phone was ringing, as it's now illegal to use in a car. I finished the call when a motorcycle cop on side of road pulls up behind me and comes over. The reason? "You pulled off the road and it was suspicious, then I ran your plate…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 308

By ashbeat - 01/01/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 445

You deserved it 4 372

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Top comments

Goddess_Rummy 13

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:15

Well now you know they are superficial and not worth your time. You can find better.

SkoomaKi 27

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:18

Classic douchebag: Thinking with the dick.

egypt1219 10

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:14

Awe:/

NabbdjuretPerry 0

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:22

I hate these judging people...

theten_fml 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:25

Joke are just funnier when told behind a nice rack.

DoubleCross 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:26

Aw* Sorry just aw isn't spellchecked for me, and FML has actually fucked up my spelling in the real world.

IsAbElLiCiA20 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:39

Well at least you found out this early that he's a jerk. Don't even bother. Be glad all that was wasted on him was a split second and a good joke. I'm sorry that happened, OP.

unknown_user5566 26

Monday 25 June 2012 11:09

12- So THAT'S why no one laughs at my jokes!

pmr1990 12

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Monday 25 June 2012 13:30

45- your picture begs the differ. I'm pretty sure you'd get lots of laughs.

forever_born 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 13:53

Actually If you type aw as you put it one word or look in the dictionary it says awe. So before you correct someone make sure you know what your talking about.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Monday 25 June 2012 14:09

Those eyes make up for it, #45!

Renesaga 8

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:14

66 - the "awe" in the dictionary wouldn't be of proper context in 1's use. The dictionary "awe" is used like, "To be in awe of." whereas "aw" would just be like "Aw, I'm sorry." But really, I'm just trying to wrap up the debate, because I don't care about spelling one way or another, as long as you can make out what a person is saying, and it's legible.

bacon_strip96 0

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Monday 25 June 2012 18:59

You're pretty. Guys are just jerks. That's why I wanted to date more girls .-. The girls I like aren't as superficial as most, and they aren't in it just for sex.

DoubleCross 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 20:02

46- I have to point out you're correcting me and say 'know what YOUR talking about.'

unknown_user5566 26

Monday 25 June 2012 22:40

63 & 69- All right, it's settled then. I obviously need to become a stand-up comedian. ;)

s3ction8 0

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Monday 25 June 2012 23:21

Everybody is so hung up on looks. Did you ever think that your delivery just sucked?

IsAbElLiCiA20 6

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 3:02

118 - Maybe... :(

shakespearelove 6

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Thursday 28 June 2012 8:52

and the reason it says awe like that isnt because its the sympathetic awe, it just means they're amazed by whatever it is. so before you correct someone, you should check that out as well.

Goddess_Rummy 13

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:15

Well now you know they are superficial and not worth your time. You can find better.

blcksocks 19

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:43

Actually women are no different. Don't tell me you haven't seen a girl laughing at the silliest joke a guy said just coz she likes the guy.

DontModMeDammit 10

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Monday 25 June 2012 11:16

Everyone is dissing the guy, when we don't even know the whole situation, for all we know the guy has liked the friend for a while. Just because the other girl is a model doesn't mean everyone only likes her for her looks.

killdozer1 2

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:57

Yeah but we all know that jokes are funnier when pretty girls tell them.

kewlkate 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 22:48

Annnddd... This is where OP comes in and tells us what the joke was :)

kquelly 1

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Thursday 28 June 2012 23:44

True

HelloGuys 4

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:16

ThatKidTyler 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:24

So.....Where's your comment?

fmlman287 0

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:17

What a doosh. >:(

zachherbert 10

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Monday 25 June 2012 10:05

Douche.

angelk12 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 10:25

No no silly 31 ! Doosh and douche sound COMPLETELY different said out loud ! I prefer saying it doosh, got a bit of a ring to it. ;) Don't worry 4 I'm with you!

laden_swallow09 34

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:23

We can tell you're being sarcastic, but you're trying too hard. When that happens, the funny dies.

SamanthaCassieL 10

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Monday 25 June 2012 13:39

You're talking about a guy who has deadmause as a dp. (nothing wrong, love deadmause) but that spelling is off.. Just sayin..

plaguer 26

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Monday 25 June 2012 14:47

YOUR spelling is off 65. Deadmause? Do you like Skillrex too?

friedchickenpie 14

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Monday 25 June 2012 15:32

Deadmau5 :p

ChickInGreenVans 12

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Monday 25 June 2012 15:47

Yes friedchickenpie Yess!!

TheEpicPies 15

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Monday 25 June 2012 23:51

Lol it's only funny because you spelled "douche" wrong.

fmlman287 0

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 1:03

Skrillex is okay too. Favorite song: First of the year Equinox. Deadmau5: Raise your weapon

dsbs 9

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 3:57

I never knew the sound of dial up Internet could become music.

Daftendirekt1 0

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 13:00

126 - I can see your taste in electronic music is clearly a long and intricate one. Who's your favourite dubstep artist? Mine's Daft Punk. Although they did steal Kanye's Stronger... *Sarcasm*

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Thursday 28 June 2012 6:56

I like Kraftwerk. C: old school.

JessicaNB 2

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:17

You dodged a bullet there OP. He's not even worth your time. You can do better!

SkoomaKi 27

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:18

Classic douchebag: Thinking with the dick.

TheDrifter 23

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:26

Many of us have been blessed with two heads to do our thinking, but only enough blood to operate one at a time. It seems he is one of those people.

AphyTheBronette 15

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Monday 25 June 2012 10:45

You must be a Robin William's fan :D

AFloppyWetWhale 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 22:06

Mhmm he's using the wrong head :D

downtime 12

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 5:24

Sounds more like he's thinking with his head to me. Knowing when to laugh and when not to laugh, yep, that required logic and rational thought, good on him :D How do you know he doesn't just find the OP to be a really annoying person? Maybe he doesn't even like her as a person and wants to ensure she is aware of it. Or maybe he's picked up on her vibes of interest and is trying to distance himself somehow. Or the obvious, maybe the joke just isn't funny and he's trying to give indications of interest of his own.

LadyGore 12

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:18

Why is it that girls always pick those guys. This isn't a FML, this is a thank god I realized he's a douche bag.

Sinamoi 18

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Monday 25 June 2012 9:25

Well here it appears OP didn't know that side of him. She didn't intentionally pick a douche. The FML is built on that; "Wow, the person I like is an asshole."