Love: Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 1 601

05/04/2017 14:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 902

You deserved it 380

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

Stop talking!

13/01/2011 11:07

Today, I was tending the cash register. I scanned a lady's items which totaled $89.68. She paid with a $100 bill. I gave her $11.32 change. She angrily gave back the extra dollar and complained about "schools nowadays". I'm an AP Calculus student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 102

You deserved it 49 531

Pride and joy

By Unproud daddy moment - 19/03/2021 16:00

Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 246

22/12/2014 21:36

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 219

You deserved it 2 422

The bell's end

By Anonymous - 14/07/2021 08:01

Today, I dinged a desk-bell at head office and everyone burst into a round of applause for me. I was reamed by HR and served written notice to not ding the bell, because, "Only agents are allowed ding the bell, and only when they close a sale." Sorry, I didn't know about the bell guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 136

26/01/2017 08:30

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 524

You deserved it 1 540

18/06/2009 13:05

Today, I was installing the official 3.0 firmware update for my iPhone. Apple's authentication servers crashed. I now own an iBrick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 064

You deserved it 8 979

Who are you?

By Anonymous - 28/07/2021 23:01

Today, I was bowling with a woman I like. At the end of the night, I was trying to decide whether I should ask her out. I went up to her and said, "It was fun bowling with you." She said, "Thank you, Patrick." My name isn't Patrick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 108

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 15/08/2010 05:24

Today, my mom called me to the laundry room after she saw a dead animal in there. I took a look and agreed we should call animal control. After ten minutes of freaking out, they finally arrived to confirm that the dead animal was the hood to my winter jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 207

You deserved it 42 099

Unloveable

By Anonymous - 16/01/2021 23:01

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 73

21/01/2017 10:00

Today, I got another in a year-long string of threatening letters about my late mother's credit card bill. I've called the credit company repeatedly to settle the account, but they won't talk to me because I'm not authorized to access it. Hope they have a Ouija board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 585

You deserved it 462

04/02/2014 22:08

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 659

You deserved it 5 419

18/04/2009 04:44

Today, was my birthday. My friends love to play pranks on me. So when I entered the door for my surprise party, I became aware of the surroundings. There was nothing. Everyone was staring as I slowly entered the room. When I closed the door behind me, a freaking bucket of pee fell all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 049

You deserved it 5 699

How the turntables turn

By PoorAndBroke - 12/09/2021 14:01

Today, I went to see a house for rent. The owner ended up being a person whom I denied renting to a long time ago, because I thought she was sketchy looking. Apparently she’s the CEO of a company now. She definitely recognized me and kicked me off the premises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306

You deserved it 1 223

You wish!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2012 02:22

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 500

You deserved it 2 445

The struggle is real

By WiredUp - 21/08/2020 13:05

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 153

21/05/2016 04:27

Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on the job. After his mom finally got home 4 hours later, he called her a slut. When he got in trouble for it, he claimed that I taught him the word. Needless to say, I didn't get paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 966

You deserved it 864

27/07/2012 04:46

Spicy

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 197

You deserved it 2 853

28/11/2011 15:31

Today, I finally met the cute guy I've been seeing around town. Bad news is, I was drunk off my ass, and when he told me his name, I burst out laughing because it's the same as my puppy's. He did not take it well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 311

You deserved it 37 238

21/12/2012 00:37

Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 485

You deserved it 7 057

05/06/2016 18:26

Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 652

You deserved it 1 371

24/01/2014 05:15

Spicy

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 894

You deserved it 5 116

01/02/2009 15:48

Spicy

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 621

You deserved it 5 893

28/11/2010 08:07

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 980

You deserved it 7 158

30/03/2015 02:13

Spicy

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 087

You deserved it 3 142

24/05/2014 23:57

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 643

You deserved it 4 130

29/08/2016 16:49

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 478

You deserved it 11 065

21/01/2011 22:50

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 858

You deserved it 3 600

13/10/2016 01:29

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 543

You deserved it 734

When nature calls

By Sacha - 19/01/2021 08:01

Today, while I was working in a grocery store, a costumer decide to take a dump on the ground after I told him he couldn’t access to restrooms because my boss closed them due to COVID restrictions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 157

Same old story

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 02:00

Today, after 8 years and a house bought together, I realised I regret getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 411

16/08/2019 01:02

Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 753

06/11/2008 13:01

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 284

You deserved it 4 522

22/01/2011 20:20

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 805

You deserved it 4 373

18/11/2010 02:31

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 721

You deserved it 3 416

Spreading

By Bubbilility - 26/12/2020 20:02

Today, my mother called me from the other side of the world to tell me she's got Covid. She got it from a friend, who later told her that they had attended anti-mask rallies. She's only been visiting her friend because she needs internet to keep working and can't get it where she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 110

07/12/2018 20:00

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 845

You deserved it 191

27/07/2013 08:03

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 239

You deserved it 26 823

Amazon Prime

By Anonymous - 23/08/2021 00:01

Today, I was expecting two packages containing tools, but only one arrived. Interestingly, it was NOT the one where I had paid extra – for the first time ever – to guarantee delivery today. Now I have a set of bits and no ratchet to turn them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 62

17/12/2011 11:09

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 965

You deserved it 3 109

Public Freakout

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 15:01

Today, my partner was driving. We were coming up to a sharp bend up a hill when suddenly a girl and a boy came speeding down the hill on a scooter. My partner stopped well before, but they fell off the kerb. We got out to check they were OK. The girl blamed us and kicked me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 72

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Top comments

Justkidding100 36

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 14:01

seems like a win for you, all in all.

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 15:04

You should have broken up with him not the other way around

Comments

Justkidding100 36

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 14:01

seems like a win for you, all in all.

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 14:38

And why, pray tell, did he do that?

Winchesterbride 9

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 19:50

erm.. the OP mentioned why she was angry...

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 20:11

I mean, why did he lock her out?

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 20:13

I honestly shouldn't have had to clarify that.

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 15:04

You should have broken up with him not the other way around

Nysha 17

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 15:22

Congratulations on your newly de-assholed life!

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 15:51

I hope you mean EX-boyfriend. Yay! You do! See, wishes really do come true!

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 16:36

Doesn't he know that shit like that is what births super villains(esses)?

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 18:04

What a twat! You're better off without:(

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 19:21

Be glad you got rid of him cause he seems like someone who's selfish op

sousaphonist 14

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 20:05

HE broke up with YOU? That seems like a perfectly legitimate reason for YOU to dump HIM.

imnotcleverenoughforthis 14

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Wednesday 5 April 2017 20:10

Sounds like he's a selfish jerk who doesn't think about anyone but himself. You're better off OP. Plus this gives you an idea of red flags to look for in your next relationship.