Intimacy: Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML - FML

By SallyGeen - United Kingdom

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Narcissistic parents FTW

Alexa, put on "Trust" by Low

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the designated driver. On the way home with my drunk friends, they decide to give me a beer shower. I swerved, and was pulled over by a cop moments after. I was the only one arrested. FML

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By I already have one, thanks - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

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By desperate905 - Netherlands

Monday morning blues

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By hannamacintosh - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

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By Disrespectful

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2020 01:00

It's just me

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

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By donezo - United States

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By retailworker

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By hesaidwhat - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

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By FIM

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Huntington

Today, I sent my girlfriend a text this morning saying I love you. I rarely do this and instead of receiving the same message back, I got a message from my girlfriend accusing me of meaning to send it to someone else and dumped me. FML

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By bmonehh - United States

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

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By danskinnow - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By bellaboop1990 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking home from the store when I saw my uncle. I went over and gave him a surprise hug. He grabbed my ass. He wasn't really my uncle. FML

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By Zibby

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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By lorahayes - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

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By spaghett - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

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By medik - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

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By mypoolisstilldirty - Australia

Today, I found out that the pool boy has been stealing from me for over a year now. The latest things that he has taken are my laptop, the cash I hide in my closet and my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 23:00

Wow thanks, I'm cured

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

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By Irobot

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

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By Julie is in pain - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

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By not a cancerous pimple - United States - Chester Springs

Panic

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

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By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

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By notgettinsome - Australia

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

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By tj - United States

Today, I had to confront my boyfriend after finding a girl's phone number next to my bed. He said I was over reacting. When I told him it was over, he asked for the number back so he could call her. FML

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By anon - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By Maria39018 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

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By Ouchies - United States

Today, while cleaning up, I dropped a box of thumbtacks, spilling them all over the floor. As I fumbled to pick them up, the power went out. FML

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By off to the whorehouse, then - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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Top comments

By mrexclusive | 3

#2984706 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:31

what are you talking about?

By TruthBeTold36 | 3

#2984724 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:46

In your defense, I hear that Hitler can be very persuasive.

COMMENTS

By MangoRico1 | 1

#2984681 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:38

he still is messing with UK huh?

By Freeze_fml | 16

#2984690 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

LuukBaas | 0

#2986391 - Thursday 28 July 2011 14:48

like in Family Guy xD

Reply

TheMotorCity | 6

#2995794 - Friday 29 July 2011 20:27

Fuck you

Reply

nikitaaomg | 0

#3008120 - Sunday 31 July 2011 12:38

win^

Reply

TheSchizoPsycho | 5

#3028397 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:07

Lose^ fail^

By Kingcc | 0

#2984694 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:30

first haha jk thts for gays

By krushr | 3

#2984695 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:30

You made out with Prince Harry? That's not an FML.

Reply

sydneybeau | 7

#2984739 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 17:08

I got off with Bin Laden once.. I'm not complaining.

By Kingcc | 0

#2984699 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:30

first haha jk thts for gays

By DarkHelmet | 10

#2984701 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:32

Hope you aren't Jewish OP or it's gonna be a short night for you

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#2984771 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 17:59

He was actually very popular with the ladies... o.O For example, Eva Braun, Unity Mitford...

I'm wondering about the guy who thought it was a good idea to go to a fancy dress party as Hitler, particulary after how well Prince Harry's SA costume was received.

Reply

wrigglezeus | 0

#2986213 - Thursday 28 July 2011 13:15

Sometimes depends on where you are. some guy at a superhero / villain costume party won best supervillain costume dressed as Hitler.

By imosim | 0

#2984703 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:31

that's fancy.

Reply

enonymous | 8

#2984774 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 18:01

Eva Braun reincarnated! ... wait wouldn't hitler need a dick or some actual balls to get off?

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#2985278 - Thursday 28 July 2011 1:22

this makes no sense...

Reply

GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#2986587 - Thursday 28 July 2011 15:45

I think it's awesome! :D

Reply

PaRTy4LyFe | 0

#2989117 - Thursday 28 July 2011 21:54

it doesnt make sense cause you're like what five?

Reply

Imgonnahaveabf | 9

#2991641 - Friday 29 July 2011 7:03

FYL for looking like hitler.

Reply

aceingit | 0

#2993013 - Friday 29 July 2011 11:53

was he any good?

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3091355 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:56

?

Reply

Skywalka911 | 0

#3616556 - Monday 21 November 2011 23:16

I did NAZI that one coming...

Reply

transilvanianson | 3

#4025054 - Sunday 12 February 2012 14:46

I hear hitler had one testicle..is it true?

By mrexclusive | 3

#2984706 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#2985227 - Thursday 28 July 2011 0:06

"Fancy dress party" is a masquerade or costume party. "Got off" means oh, hell, if you don't know and can't be arsed to look it up then piss off.

Reply

GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#2986597 - Thursday 28 July 2011 15:47

641 thumbs up? Bots anyone?

Reply

YoTengoTomatoes | 7

#2987223 - Thursday 28 July 2011 16:44

but why no ratings??!?

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#2991789 - Friday 29 July 2011 7:32

743 people are complete imbeciles.

Reply

manUNITED1878 | 1

#2991824 - Friday 29 July 2011 7:42

as a nutritionist u cant call us imbeciles

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#2992631 - Friday 29 July 2011 10:15

says the dumbfuck who cant decipher a simple 11 word sentence.

Reply

katizz | 1

#2996011 - Friday 29 July 2011 21:53

moo!!!

Reply

kittykat1497 | 7

#2999875 - Saturday 30 July 2011 7:11

I believe number 5 was merely trying to express a, "What the f*** moment?"

Reply

cupcakemann95 | 7

#3026609 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:18

74. They didn't know what he was talking about so they just commented

Reply

Monkeymaddie1 | 1

#3034151 - Thursday 4 August 2011 4:26

What's it's like being in the army?

Reply

ErinLacy | 0

#3084929 - Thursday 11 August 2011 11:58

I've seen you reply on like 10 things?;P ^^^^

By TattedUP89 | 0

#2984714 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:32

lol let keep this at zero

By Raori | 21

#2984716 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:38

Surely in this day and age, especially in the UK, this sort of dress is unacceptable? YDI space cadet

Reply

Friaza | 29

#2985215 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:59

I recon it depends on who's wearing the outfit :D