Intimacy: Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML - FML

By SallyGeen - United Kingdom

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

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RIP in peace

The one with the asshole friend

Fishy anxiety

By notabadserver - Canada - Toronto

Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML

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By beautifulme - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

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By not a bitch just don’t like you - 10/3/2021 13:59 - United States

White knights

Today, once again, I told a guy who’s been hounding me for ages that I’m not interested. After being asked repeatedly and turning him down politely for so long, I finally snapped and cussed his ass out. Now I’m known as "the bitch" for hurting such a "nice guy's" feelings. I need new friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2021 16:59

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

Today, I'm on the verge of losing my job because of my poor mental health. I've been on a wait list for therapy/psych services for over a year already. My boss's response was, "It can't be that bad, just stop thinking about it." I have PTSD, OCD, BPD, ADHD, bipolar depression and anxiety. FML

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By Trinity - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was sitting on a train, doing homework for my programming class, when a man sat in the seat next to me. He must have been a programmer too, because he spent the next few hours staring at my screen and laughing whenever I made a mistake. FML

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By CamoElla - United States

Today, while babysitting, one of the boys fell on an exposed pipe and broke it. It spewed water five feet into the air, spread water across four rooms, and completely soaked another of the boys. Their parents had only left fifteen minutes before. FML

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By you'vegotmail(not) - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 17:01 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

You old fool

Today, after repeatedly telling my partner's family that our daughter is allergic to peanuts, his grandfather decided to feed her one, to "see if she really is allergic." FML

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By Slash - United States

Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML

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By efmylife - United States

Today, I threw a paper ball into a recycling bin backwards. I don't know whats more sad: the fact that that was my highlight of my life, or I had been attempting to make that shot every day for 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

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By Operation Yewtree here I come - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 14:01

Class Wars - UK Edition

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

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By yourebeautiful - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

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By dumbo - United States

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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By Unclicked - Singapore

Today, my long-distance boyfriend wanted to spend time online with me. He kept quiet on Skype and went on a hundred different stupid websites, laughing by himself. Afterwards, he told me he really enjoyed our time together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonalds, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

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By Mortified - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

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By drkate25 - United States - Enfield

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

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By Caz

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

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By Kristin - United States

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying "stay" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

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By WritesTooWell - United States - Miami

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

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By HDcashier

Graded

Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven". Thanks a lot. FML

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By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Feelings

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

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By

Don't worry dad

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking home from the store when I saw my uncle. I went over and gave him a surprise hug. He grabbed my ass. He wasn't really my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By brokenglass - 24/3/2021 21:30

Overreaction much?

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 17:01

We were on a break!

Today, it's been two weeks since my girlfriend of many years and I decided to take a short break from each other. We'd been fighting a lot and felt like some space would help the situation. I found out today that, at some point during those two weeks, she decided to go and have sex with my (now ex) best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Thanks, I hate it

Today, my boss called me into his office. Expecting a long overdue promotion, I hurried in. Instead, he told me he thought I would be perfect to take his son on a pity date, because he's a suicide risk due to his depression. FML

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Top comments

By mrexclusive | 3

#2984706 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:31

what are you talking about?

By TruthBeTold36 | 3

#2984724 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:46

In your defense, I hear that Hitler can be very persuasive.

COMMENTS

By MangoRico1 | 1

#2984681 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:38

he still is messing with UK huh?

By Freeze_fml | 16

#2984690 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:47

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

LuukBaas | 0

#2986391 - Thursday 28 July 2011 14:48

like in Family Guy xD

Reply

TheMotorCity | 6

#2995794 - Friday 29 July 2011 20:27

Fuck you

Reply

nikitaaomg | 0

#3008120 - Sunday 31 July 2011 12:38

win^

Reply

TheSchizoPsycho | 5

#3028397 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:07

Lose^ fail^

By Kingcc | 0

#2984694 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:30

first haha jk thts for gays

By krushr | 3

#2984695 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:30

You made out with Prince Harry? That's not an FML.

Reply

sydneybeau | 7

#2984739 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 17:08

I got off with Bin Laden once.. I'm not complaining.

By Kingcc | 0

#2984699 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:30

first haha jk thts for gays

By DarkHelmet | 10

#2984701 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:32

Hope you aren't Jewish OP or it's gonna be a short night for you

Reply

rattusrattus | 18

#2984771 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 17:59

He was actually very popular with the ladies... o.O For example, Eva Braun, Unity Mitford...

I'm wondering about the guy who thought it was a good idea to go to a fancy dress party as Hitler, particulary after how well Prince Harry's SA costume was received.

Reply

wrigglezeus | 0

#2986213 - Thursday 28 July 2011 13:15

Sometimes depends on where you are. some guy at a superhero / villain costume party won best supervillain costume dressed as Hitler.

By imosim | 0

#2984703 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:31

that's fancy.

Reply

enonymous | 8

#2984774 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 18:01

Eva Braun reincarnated! ... wait wouldn't hitler need a dick or some actual balls to get off?

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#2985278 - Thursday 28 July 2011 1:22

this makes no sense...

Reply

GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#2986587 - Thursday 28 July 2011 15:45

I think it's awesome! :D

Reply

PaRTy4LyFe | 0

#2989117 - Thursday 28 July 2011 21:54

it doesnt make sense cause you're like what five?

Reply

Imgonnahaveabf | 9

#2991641 - Friday 29 July 2011 7:03

FYL for looking like hitler.

Reply

aceingit | 0

#2993013 - Friday 29 July 2011 11:53

was he any good?

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3091355 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:56

?

Reply

Skywalka911 | 0

#3616556 - Monday 21 November 2011 23:16

I did NAZI that one coming...

Reply

transilvanianson | 3

#4025054 - Sunday 12 February 2012 14:46

I hear hitler had one testicle..is it true?

By mrexclusive | 3

#2984706 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#2985227 - Thursday 28 July 2011 0:06

"Fancy dress party" is a masquerade or costume party. "Got off" means oh, hell, if you don't know and can't be arsed to look it up then piss off.

Reply

GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#2986597 - Thursday 28 July 2011 15:47

641 thumbs up? Bots anyone?

Reply

YoTengoTomatoes | 7

#2987223 - Thursday 28 July 2011 16:44

but why no ratings??!?

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#2991789 - Friday 29 July 2011 7:32

743 people are complete imbeciles.

Reply

manUNITED1878 | 1

#2991824 - Friday 29 July 2011 7:42

as a nutritionist u cant call us imbeciles

Reply

a_nutritionist | 10

#2992631 - Friday 29 July 2011 10:15

says the dumbfuck who cant decipher a simple 11 word sentence.

Reply

katizz | 1

#2996011 - Friday 29 July 2011 21:53

moo!!!

Reply

kittykat1497 | 7

#2999875 - Saturday 30 July 2011 7:11

I believe number 5 was merely trying to express a, "What the f*** moment?"

Reply

cupcakemann95 | 7

#3026609 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 4:18

74. They didn't know what he was talking about so they just commented

Reply

Monkeymaddie1 | 1

#3034151 - Thursday 4 August 2011 4:26

What's it's like being in the army?

Reply

ErinLacy | 0

#3084929 - Thursday 11 August 2011 11:58

I've seen you reply on like 10 things?;P ^^^^

By TattedUP89 | 0

#2984714 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:32

lol let keep this at zero

By Raori | 21

#2984716 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 16:38

Surely in this day and age, especially in the UK, this sort of dress is unacceptable? YDI space cadet

Reply

Friaza | 29

#2985215 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:59

I recon it depends on who's wearing the outfit :D