Miscellaneous: Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 1 592

01/11/2014 03:59

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 848

You deserved it 7 569

Miscellaneous

This Charming Man

Good kid

Slow moving accident

02/12/2009 20:20

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 178

You deserved it 9 113

11/03/2013 04:09

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 859

You deserved it 2 832

03/09/2012 20:20

Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 575

You deserved it 4 805

25/09/2016 18:53

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 377

You deserved it 739

21/08/2014 21:48

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 985

You deserved it 3 561

26/06/2019 02:30

Today, I found out that my crush is a lesbian. Everyone knew about it. Everyone also knew that I liked her. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 252

Grateful

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 141

Not mine

By alerra - 20/01/2020 14:00

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 233

06/06/2016 05:13

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 005

You deserved it 1 321

18/05/2019 04:17

Today, and for the past four years, the only time my husband stops snoring while asleep is so that he can fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 170

08/02/2009 03:06

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 156

You deserved it 6 094

28/10/2008 11:13

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 704

You deserved it 9 720

05/08/2012 23:25

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 534

You deserved it 2 311

25/07/2009 14:55

Today, my family invited a bunch of their friends over for a party. At some point they decided to play some home videos from many years ago. In one of them, I was 7, I said, "Look Mommy! I can make my pee-pee bigger by doing this!" Everyone saw and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 908

You deserved it 4 467

Broke

By candidcripple - 30/12/2013 05:57

Today, while sitting in a handicapped seat on the bus, an old man angrily approached me and chewed me out in front of everyone for not leaving the seat empty for "those who actually need it." Then he stormed off the bus, stepping heavily on my broken foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 542

You deserved it 4 493

25/08/2010 13:10

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 41 998

We don't need no education

By Anonymous - 07/07/2021 11:01

Today, I received a call from a top-rated university accepting me into the program of my dreams to begin my ultimate career. Two weeks ago, I accepted a permanent, full time and legally-binding job position in my depressive hometown because the school had previously rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 90

Sticky situation

By CodyS - 03/09/2013 05:03

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 163

You deserved it 11 242

30/10/2010 14:00

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 356

You deserved it 32 844

23/07/2011 04:05

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 606

You deserved it 5 250

18/09/2009 08:06

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 080

You deserved it 3 374

11/06/2009 15:21

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 015

You deserved it 3 504

19/07/2014 17:39

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 519

You deserved it 41 738

26/11/2010 15:43

Today, I went to see a famous rapper perform. My girlfriend got us up to the front to get pictures with him. He went to give me a high-five, I thought it was a fist-bump, so I made a fist. So he made a fist while I made a palm to match his retracted high-five. Then I panicked, cupped his fist and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 117

You deserved it 31 729

Make believe

By SN MetalMilitia - 03/11/2020 05:02

Today, I once again bought condoms at the gas station to make the people who work there think that I have a sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 1 169

24/12/2013 16:53

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 094

You deserved it 12 235

13/08/2017 13:00

Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September11th. Cue the long silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 202

You deserved it 727

Skinny issues

By maisie - 31/03/2021 21:30

Today, after a few months of trying to gain weight due to being severely underweight, I got a stomach flu and lost every single pound I put on, and then some. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 52

27/10/2013 15:26

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 595

You deserved it 5 766

08/02/2017 06:00

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 207

You deserved it 779

A for effort

By SkinsCastSelection - 23/11/2020 06:49

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 104

You deserved it 6 425

10/12/2009 00:53

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 142

You deserved it 40 446

13/11/2013 17:51

Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 449

You deserved it 12 573

Size Queen

By Jenson - 17/11/2020 19:05

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 734

You deserved it 131

20/10/2014 08:50

Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said: "It's nothing personal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 268

You deserved it 3 431

16/12/2009 20:43

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 275

You deserved it 2 718

02/09/2012 10:07

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 303

You deserved it 32 577

15/09/2010 21:20

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 616

You deserved it 4 142

19/01/2012 19:45

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 350

You deserved it 5 369

29/06/2009 19:55

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 853

You deserved it 5 026

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Top comments

gracehi 31

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:28

At least you weren't mistaken for Swiss cheese. You'd have been eaten.

allie2590 30

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:30

At least the misunderstanding was cleared up before you actually became a ghost. Holy sheet!

Comments

gracehi 31

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:28

At least you weren't mistaken for Swiss cheese. You'd have been eaten.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 1 November 2014 22:16

If they had gunned him down he might've looked like Swiss cheese in the end...

typical_girl_ 19

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Sunday 2 November 2014 2:13

That was cheesy

allie2590 30

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:30

At least the misunderstanding was cleared up before you actually became a ghost. Holy sheet!

wanted_2_want 40

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Saturday 1 November 2014 14:46

Plot twist: OP is black, while his friends are whites.

sarah5745 41

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:31

Oh well, at least there's another year to perfect your costume..

sayyestothedress 24

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Saturday 1 November 2014 15:49

And a whole year's worth of plotting to get revenge on the people who beat OP up!

lovelyvampire 16

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:31

I am curious now as to where in America you live.

meli1195 31

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:57

it says Illinois...

drmisin 5

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Saturday 1 November 2014 12:45

Not on my phone.

lovelyvampire 16

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Saturday 1 November 2014 14:00

my phone only says the united states

garrett_8614 14

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Saturday 1 November 2014 19:53

It says Illinois. Let's just hope is wasn't Chicago

DestinyNiya 33

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:32

At least you're actually still alive.

prettyinpinkxoxo 9

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:33

Whether or not the sheet on the top of your head was pointy or not your going to need to be more observant of your costume choice...

Thorzix 23

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:45

Not really people just need to stop seeing racism where there isn't any. Society nowadays is offended by the slightest thing, smh.

sjbartholome 14

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Saturday 1 November 2014 14:16

I agree that the racism sensitivity meter is high with a lot of people but racism still exists today!

nooniebird 8

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:34

That sucks. Hope you're feeling okkk.

tony1891 22

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:35

good grief Charlie brown.

Flowtastic 16

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Saturday 1 November 2014 11:46

YDI for having a coned head

Morning_fml 22

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Saturday 1 November 2014 18:36

White bed sheets don't have coned-heads, #10.

Flowtastic 16

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Sunday 2 November 2014 1:04

No but the OP seems to

domolovesyoshi 33

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Sunday 2 November 2014 6:34

Or the people who beat op up were just stupid over sensitive assholes

RA91 26

Saturday 1 November 2014 12:08

That sucks..I would have stuck with just straight up Charlie Brown.