Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve...

By artmfanforever - 22/9/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

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Transportation

Race against the clock

Workaholic

Buzzing the tower

By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 09:15 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - 6/3/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 07:18 - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

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By littlepsychgirl - 29/9/2011 20:14 - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 01:52 - United States

Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

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By anon - 1/6/2018 01:30

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

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By ckatia - 30/8/2016 09:29 - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By Nails - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By sasquatch - 8/9/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

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By Taylor - 23/2/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

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By runfattyrun - 25/12/2016 07:19 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

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By ashbeat - 1/1/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

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By icyrebel25 - 12/11/2013 23:57 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

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By Pukey - 28/3/2015 21:30 - United States

Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML

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By collegekidproblems - 30/6/2016 19:35 - United States

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

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By Fml24609 - 9/8/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML

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By .............. - 20/7/2013 17:43 - Germany - Wadgassen

Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML

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By Handuh15 - 31/5/2019 16:00

Today, I was sitting with my best friend and we were watching my one-year-old cousin. We thought it would be funny to say a bunch of swear words in front of him, since he didn't know how to talk. Five minutes later, guess what his first word was? And guess who won't be invited over for a while? FML

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By robert - 31/1/2012 00:20 - United States

Today, I went to deliver some reports to my boss in his office. He was facing away from me and ranting about his "useless employees", so I slipped in and waited for him to put the phone down. Turns out he was talking to himself. When he noticed me, he bitched me out and threatened to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By crybaby - 12/4/2013 05:58 - United States - Elmont

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going well until I noticed a picture of a dog hanging on the wall, which reminded me of the ending of Marley and Me. I started crying and had to be escorted out. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 02:02

Morbid cringe

Today, I realized just how pathetic my life is when I found myself fascinated by videos that a woman posts on YouTube of her removing ingrown hairs and zits from people’s private areas. FML

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By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

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By everyonehatesme - 2/5/2010 08:37 - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

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By Dean Heffern - 22/2/2011 14:28

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By Dom - 26/5/2012 21:35 - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

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By panos016 - 15/7/2011 13:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

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By FenderBender - 3/9/2009 04:54 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2017 14:40 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was feeling down and decided to eat one of my roommate's chocolate Pop-Tarts to cheer myself up. I took a big bite and thought it tasted "off". It was full of live maggots. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 20:01

Today, I found out that the airhead sitting next to me at work who can't get anything done on her own, makes more money than I do. FML

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By FuckThis - 31/8/2015 13:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

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By No thank you - 4/2/2015 20:17 - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By Flarewolf - 4/6/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

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By DayamyWuzHere - 24/11/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 05:51 - United States - Waco

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

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By jared576 - 5/6/2015 03:01

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

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By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - 18/4/2015 19:34 - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2015 14:21 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML

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Top comments

By Thoko_fml | 0

#1443465 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:20

Whichever one has windows that are cheaper to replace.

By Illyssa_fml | 4

#1443486 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:22

Well, if you broke into your car, you'd still need to break into your house to get inside..sooo I'd say break into your house that way you don't need to break in your car :)

COMMENTS

By scribz | 0

#1443429 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:17

well. looks like someone needs to learn to keep spare keys under the door mat!

Astroman129 | 7

#1443457 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:19

I disagree with #1. Doormats are popular spots for hiding spare keys and such. Do it in a more secluded area.

pinkpillowz | 0

#1443523 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:26

wouldn't your house be easier? unless you have alarms...

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1443540 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:27

what about the top of the floor mat? If there was a thief trying to break in, when they lift the mat the key can fly away.

Astroman129 | 7

#1443582 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:31

14, he'd probably see the key first. And even if he didn't, he'd still probably hear it when it hits something.

Shaggy_92 | 5

#1443591 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:32

yea and then they can hear it clinging and get it... = they brake in. personally I'd shoot someone if they broke in. hide it under a rock or bury it deep enuf to where it's no noticeable and easy to get to

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1443708 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:44

just buy a huge German Shepard then. problem solved.

EricErection69 | 0

#1443712 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:45

like I'd pick on the top of the door

rudiznell | 0

#1444666 - Thursday 23 September 2010 2:20

that's a lie beacuase they can disable the code system :P

Fentown_fml | 4

#1444851 - Thursday 23 September 2010 2:54

You have a terrible ear for sarcasm 22 :P

KingDingALing | 9

#1445232 - Thursday 23 September 2010 3:57

What the fuck are you talking about, 22? Flying keys? Shit, I'd love to know what you're smoking...

KingDingALing | 9

#1445243 - Thursday 23 September 2010 3:59

Shit! I meant 14, not 22.

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1445410 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:35

Harry potter? WTF? ok!??
people do have bad ears sarcasm..

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1445432 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:39

*for

the101dan | 0

#1445442 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:41

22 - you're a fkn douche...

Astroman129 | 7

#1445547 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:00

87- so true.

legonut6 | 0

#1445610 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:15

YDI for being stupid and not having AAA!

gibby1235 | 6

#1445656 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:27

really. 

wasup21 | 0

#1445659 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:27

how can you lock yourself out of your house without the keys?

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1445772 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:50

get a thin tree branch and put it down the window bay. not that I would know

ManBearP1g | 0

#1445917 - Thursday 23 September 2010 6:15

What about a fake rock?

talim_fml | 3

#1446086 - Thursday 23 September 2010 7:06

Lots of houses have locks that lock from the inside without needing a key.

the_flirtt | 0

#1446138 - Thursday 23 September 2010 7:36

I'm guessing you picked car ?

MichieBabiie | 0

#1446189 - Thursday 23 September 2010 7:58

Well, I say you go into your house because if you break into the car you still need the house keys.

hayleybayy | 0

#1446246 - Thursday 23 September 2010 8:15

if you break into your car you still have to break into your house. so just break into your house and get the car keys :)

bosskidz20 | 2

#1446552 - Thursday 23 September 2010 9:33

leaving the key in the car is good because no one could steal your car key.

kitgurl100 | 0

#1450369 - Friday 24 September 2010 5:09

I don't understand, wouldn't your house keys be with your car keys? I keep me house and car key on the same ring:/

covertsofasquad | 0

#1453117 - Friday 24 September 2010 20:34

your fckin retarded aren't you?

kitgurl100 | 0

#1457694 - Saturday 25 September 2010 21:58

163- I was talking to the people who were saying that she would have to break into the house if she broke into her car first, so shut the fuck up you dumbass

OhzTP | 7

#5304618 - Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:26

Well that escalated quickly

By Bartimaeus | 7

#1443435 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:17

That sucks

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#1446451 - Thursday 23 September 2010 9:15

I'm surprised they let retards drive...

By Thoko_fml | 0

#1443465 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:20

Whichever one has windows that are cheaper to replace.

rockyraccoon28 | 8

#1443773 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:53

my thoughts exactly.

Hoplaka | 0

#1445395 - Thursday 23 September 2010 4:31

But the house may have a security system. :P And the car.. might have one too.

By Peacemaker9 | 7

#1443473 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:21

what a bust op!!!

By ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1443480 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:21

i vote car

NuMuzik | 0

#1443497 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:23

I'll will go with both...if you gonna do one might as well do both

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1443525 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:26

very true!

Dudeitsnuri | 0

#1446396 - Thursday 23 September 2010 9:09

I say house cuz if he breaks into his car he will only get his car keys but no house keys but if he breaks into the house he will get house keys and spare for the carkeys so It will cost him less money

FallenNevermorE | 0

#2282730 - Saturday 2 April 2011 21:10

my thoughts exactly :p

By Illyssa_fml | 4

#1443486 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:22

Well, if you broke into your car, you'd still need to break into your house to get inside..sooo I'd say break into your house that way you don't need to break in your car :)

EmoKidsSayRawr | 0

#1443644 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:38

smarty :p

JustinKingr | 0

#1443687 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:42

.....it says the house keys are in the car

Telinaa | 0

#1443777 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:53

It says the house keys are in the house.
Read it again, Einstein. c:

venusvsmars | 2

#1443780 - Thursday 23 September 2010 1:53

"I realized I locked my house keys inside the house"

88yasha | 7

#1444710 - Thursday 23 September 2010 2:28

hahaha u all smart ones!!

Zhu8 | 5

#1445777 - Thursday 23 September 2010 5:51

what If he has a Garage door opener?

shakethat | 10

#1446771 - Thursday 23 September 2010 10:50

what's the garage door opener going to do when the door is locked? he needs inside the house not just in the garage. I lock my doors everyday.

Kanvis78 | 0

#1446820 - Thursday 23 September 2010 11:29

130 , not so bright, eh? Most garages open into kitchens or laundry rooms, etc. . Open garage = access to inside of house. You must be homeless. I apologize.