Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying...

By suckstobeme - 12/4/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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Love

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By SonofDonald - 22/1/2013 17:20 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML

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By Fatty - 15/6/2019 09:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I was walking in the mall with my friends when one of them pointed at a store and commented, "Bae Goals." My fat ass thought she said "bagels" and I actually got excited at the thought of eating a bagel, even after I realized my mistake. FML

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By Fired - 8/4/2011 11:58

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

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By fartbucket51995129565 - 10/6/2014 18:29 - United States - New York

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

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By lovehim - 25/1/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, I had to tell my boyfriend to stop inviting his mother on our dates. FML

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By orangechicken - 16/4/2012 22:00 - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

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By bad_luck - 31/12/2011 15:51 - United States

Today, my boss sent me home from work because she saw me not checking under my customer's cart to see if they had any hidden groceries. I didn't check because the customer threatened to "kick my ass" if I "accused him of stealing" by checking. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2012 23:47 - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

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By jballer - 22/3/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By karma1221 - 11/8/2018 14:30

Today, I got home early from work at 2am to find my girlfriend of 5 years missing. Upon further inspection, I caught the "other man" dropping her off out front. So much for the engagement ring I bought for her. FML

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By HereKittyKitty - 1/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 1/10/2015 05:56 - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By urinanalysis - 3/12/2009 16:08 - Canada

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

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By chloeguest97 - 20/9/2011 15:15 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 60 people liked this, including my boyfriend and best friend. FML

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By Dani - 28/11/2011 12:34 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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By Wow - 13/3/2012 04:38 - United States

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

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By hellishome - 29/9/2019 00:01

Dad priorities

Today, as he was going out, I asked my father if he stop by the store and buy some tampons for me and toilet paper for the house, because we have been out for the last 5 days. He came home with a 30-pack of beer and cigarettes instead. I just started my time of the month and we have no more money. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

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By ugh - 23/1/2016 20:48 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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By anon - 3/2/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By screw the cat - 24/7/2012 05:10 - United States - South Jordan

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

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By yogabbagabba - 3/9/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Fox_Undercover - 30/4/2016 20:33 - United States - Wareham

Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

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By JD - 2/2/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML

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By SydIsPrettyCool - 4/8/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

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By krissysays - 25/10/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

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By Sadmom - 14/9/2016 02:15 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

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By Karansuni - 14/10/2013 10:38 - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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By piemasterzim - 22/11/2012 01:20 - Canada

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2018 11:00 - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By Silent - 1/6/2012 14:24 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML

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By dontbuysamsung - 22/4/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mobile phone wouldn't turn on. I took it in to the phone store, but they won't fix or replace it because the account is in my dad's name, not mine. He's abroad for the next month, and the only way to get a hold of him is on a number I only stored on my phone. FML

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By lolwut - 11/9/2014 06:33 - United States - Albany

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

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By Gottalovepeople - 31/12/2018 01:34

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By surfernerd6987 - 11/6/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I received an email from a temp agency trying to hire me. Surprisingly, it was the same job I was just laid off from after two years of great employment. They were trying to hire me at half my original salary. FML

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By CassafrasSss - 2/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 15:18 - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

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Top comments

By Aethren | 0

#106263 - Monday 13 April 2009 1:59

maybe you should have texted her instead

By ptrek85 | 0

#106289 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:02

I really hope you didn't try to propose again.

COMMENTS

By Aethren | 0

#106263 - Monday 13 April 2009 1:59

maybe you should have texted her instead

griddy24 | 17

#7812169 - Friday 14 June 2019 17:30

😂

By LackOfControl | 0

#106268 - Monday 13 April 2009 1:59

Sucks to be you.

LoadFasterPage | 0

#1342331 - Friday 3 September 2010 8:32

Psst Nice Bucket :)

michelleJ11 | 25

#5620590 - Saturday 10 August 2013 1:13

There is a button for that #2 ...

By shannanigans | 0

#106278 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:01

ouch, well what was her answer?

rebellionwars | 11

#5645382 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 1:51

Are you dumb? Why continue with a marriage when she was rude and answered a text instead.

By ptrek85 | 0

#106289 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:02

I really hope you didn't try to propose again.

By SSC_fml | 0

#106296 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:03

Ouch, =[ That sucks..

By aerials_fml | 0

#106302 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:04

I'm wondering the same thing as #4. I hope you didn't propose again. She doesn't seem to be worth it.

By leggomyeggo | 0

#106308 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:05

what did she say after she sent the text message?

By chanceuse_fml | 0

#106313 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:05

Hopefully you didn't bother finishing that question...

By Cormophyte | 0

#106325 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:07

I came in here to say what #8 said. Do yourself a favor, don't try a second time. She was either giving you a hint or she doesn't respect you.

By UnCensoredBitch | 0

#106327 - Monday 13 April 2009 2:07

If that's how she treats you while you are asking her to marry you then how do you think you will be treated when you are married? Maybe you just got a glimpse of your future.