Miscellaneous: Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up...

By tommy3824 - 20/08/2009 12:45 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 515

You deserved it 3 065

Miscellaneous

Batman

Stop talking!

A new enemy

By jasmine - 23/08/2019 04:00

Today, I found out the hard way, that yes, a condom can break. Also, that sometimes when it does, your boyfriend won't say anything until you start having morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 486

You deserved it 352

By Ear Invasion - 26/01/2013 05:53 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 315

You deserved it 3 439

By Anonymous - 03/01/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 019

You deserved it 50 593

By notpreggers - 08/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 671

You deserved it 7 882

By Andrew - 31/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 719

You deserved it 9 853

By Blonde - 11/03/2015 03:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 046

You deserved it 6 396

By Ama_544347571 - 24/05/2017 16:00 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 024

You deserved it 409

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 865

You deserved it 7 299

By piper55 - 10/05/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 497

You deserved it 283

By coldasfire - 29/03/2015 21:18 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 356

You deserved it 2 462

By say dump him and i'll kill you - 29/12/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Soham

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 603

You deserved it 4 071

By thanksfyi - 02/07/2011 21:51 - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 484

You deserved it 4 581

By ohgod. - 10/10/2012 02:59 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 161

You deserved it 3 160

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 288

You deserved it 5 796

By Undefined - 01/01/2009 12:09 - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 281

You deserved it 8 561

Caught in 4K

By Frank S. - 17/06/2021 19:59

Today, I was about to enter a hotel with a friend-with-benefits. We then saw her boyfriend exiting the same hotel with another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 1 598

By caroline - 06/02/2009 15:29 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717 857

You deserved it 66 702

By needfulthing - 19/11/2010 15:00 - United States

Today, I sent a text to a guy I'd met over the weekend. He'd traveled 40 miles to my town for the date, so I picked up the tab for dinner. My text simply said, "Had a nice time. Looking forward to getting together again." His reply was, "When did you get so needy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 674

You deserved it 3 801

Thank you for your service

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 17:00

Today, I was pretending to be a veteran for the US Navy at a local outlet, because I was desperate for cheap stuff. All was going well, until an actual vet pointed out that the ship I had on my naval hat was a fictitious one. Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 2 996

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 18:33 - Romania - Campina

Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 214

You deserved it 2 894

By faye - 14/02/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 999

You deserved it 5 979

By Alyssa - 13/02/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 760

You deserved it 82 578

By walkingisfun - 02/07/2017 20:00

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 778

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 01/01/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 768

You deserved it 3 471

Seasonal allergies

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 06:01

Today, I sneezed inside my helmet when I was driving 90 mph on my motorbike. No quick solutions were available to improve visibility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 226

By Ican'tgotoschoolapparently - 07/10/2016 07:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out after $200 worth of checks and tests, three rugs being ruined from her peeing and pooping on them, that my cat isn't sick. She just has really bad separation anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 319

You deserved it 1 156

Post-it

By Lalalala - 06/09/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 98

Pica?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 17:59

Today, my mom ate some flowers without knowing if they were safe. Turns out they are slightly poisonous and she had an upset stomach, but she will be fine. Her excuse? "I didn't know it had poison." I had to explain that's exactly why you don't eat plants you don't know are poisonous or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 67

By A.K. - 27/05/2009 12:40 - United States

Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 090

You deserved it 21 047

Bye bye love

By sad sister - 27/07/2020 14:00

Today, after my younger sister always made a habit of using everything of mine, from clothes to shoes to jewelry, the list now includes my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 307

You deserved it 98

Gassy

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 899

You deserved it 9 045

Office life sucks

By Anonymous - 02/11/2019 02:00

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 315

You deserved it 196

By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 300

You deserved it 5 842

By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 373

You deserved it 748

By tax-man - 02/03/2013 02:35 - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 227

You deserved it 9 086

By HousekeeperNoMore - 19/09/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, after being a stay-at-home mom and picking up after my kids for the past 15 years, I got a job rejection letter saying I wasn't qualified. It was a housekeeping position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 547

You deserved it 4 521

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 19:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 371

You deserved it 3 321

By StillTooYoung - 20/01/2013 13:13 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 670

You deserved it 5 186

By lildale92 - 29/11/2018 05:00

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 793

You deserved it 356

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 298

You deserved it 4 246

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my_fml_account 2

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:50

Carpenter ants? This FML is funnier in my head when I imagine they're building tiny scaffolding around you, and fixing your broken chair. oh and FYL

lonely_wife 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:49

I know I'd FREAK OUT!

IveGotNothing 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:46

1ST COMMENT WHOOP!

PaulG10 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 18:51

hmmm, sounds like my morning. but a bit different.... i woke up to carpenters that were building a deck outside my bedroom window that i wasnt aware of.... they were looking at me and laughing.... i sleep naked....

EvAnWuzhere 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 19:14

Sue the ants ass offfff!!!no, jk

humorizer 14

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Thursday 20 August 2009 21:08

Did they call you back the next morning?

ananamoose 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 21:36

#1 are you from Texas A&M? Also, what were the ants building when you woke up? Hopefully a really cool coffee table or something, or maybe since they were in your bed they were measuring you to make some wooden clothes for you. Which I would be stoked on! Wooden clothes congrats, I'm jealous

HahaYDI 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 22:35

Why does anyone bury the first comment, you are all just jealous that you are not number 1

lonely_wife 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:49

I know I'd FREAK OUT!

taintedtruffle 42

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Friday 17 October 2014 0:53

oh i sure as hell would

my_fml_account 2

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:50

Carpenter ants? This FML is funnier in my head when I imagine they're building tiny scaffolding around you, and fixing your broken chair. oh and FYL

trulyinsane 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:55

carpenter ants basically eat wood. carpentry = woodwork. on another note, maintenance your house better might have helped. in most cases this is preventable before they get too far, but im not going to assume because that makes people look very dumb on this site.

JulzKay 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 18:48

Haha, My_FML_account, your comment made me chuckle! =D

peanutbutterfly 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:50

did it tickle?

Anthony6151 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:50

At least you have the sun out....

beboman 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:55

You should fumigate periodically. It's your fault =p

iFruit 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:58

Ay karumba

Intoxicunt 5

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Thursday 20 August 2009 16:58

Aww, at least you had buddies to cuddle with. FYL.

plexico 3

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Thursday 20 August 2009 17:01

Were they working on your morning wood?

defman_fml 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 17:32

Hahahaha!!

jonny2x4 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 17:34

.....CHOMP CHOMP...........

oh_mi_shizzle 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 17:34

lmao hahahaha good one plexico! *gives thumbs up* that would've been a worse fml, betting a bj from carpeter ants... *shudders at thought* lol oh well, hope that wasnt ur case OP... and i wont say ydi, but i dont think ur life is fucked cuz of this either, just kinda ruined ur day i guess... just call somebody to come get rid of them and everything will be over :) be calm lol

_THE_MASTER_ 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 18:28

lmao, i dunno what's funnier, the comment itself or the fact that i didn't need to read the name to know right away that it was plexico...dude, you always slay me. lmao