By Sestricken - 11/08/2015 12:22 - United States - New Kensington
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If I were OPs parent I would have said no just because of the fact that they have been dating for only a year. You may feel like you're in love after one year, but come back to me once its been 2 years. Me and one of my exs were together for a year, I would have told you that we were madly in love and we were going to get married, but now I know that would have been a HUGE mistake.
I know a lot of this advice and commentary sounds smug and condescending, OP, and I apologize in advance because I know what I'm about to say will seem like more of the same, but there is a really huge difference between the shit relationships you have when you're in high school and the (potentially) shit relationships you have when you're old enough to be at least semi-independent and choose who you want to live with. And hey, maybe your relationship will stand the test of time! But there's no reason to jump the gun on marriage if that is the case, and taking the next few years to really get settled as independent, full-on adults and find out if you two make a good independent, full-on adult team is simply a good policy. As I've alluded to in other comments, my first serious relationship that began I was near your age ended horribly (though I did get a published FML out of it, so, great?) because it turned out my ex couldn't hack the whole independent adult thing. Other friends of mine have parted ways with their then-partners not because they shared my talent for dating real man-children, but merely because they found that the onetime loves of their lives were perfectly fine people who turned out not to be suited for long-term relationships with my friends. Tl;dr: maybe your relationship really, truly is the one, but...you're really young. You have time to make absolutely certain you're right.
I don't think anybody's assuming anything op. People are just giving their advice. Tbh, not to be rude but there's a reason why a lot of people wait till about 4 years of being together and up to get engaged. I mean, if you feel it in your gut that they're going to be the one you stay with for life then I guess do it. Nobody here can control what you do. We're just saying there's no rush. if you have the ability to wait it'd probably be best.
I agree with your parents. There's no reason to rush into marriage. people do change, but it's more the situation that changes. For instance, if you've never lived together you haven't seen him in that setting. Maybe you'll hate it, maybe you won't, but I don't understand why you're in such a hurry. my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and I don't need to get married to know he loves me.
My brother and sister-in-law met at a party when they were 18 and it was supposed to be a one night stand. Within two weeks, he had moved in with her. By the end of the year they were married (and my parents hated every second of it). That was 22 years ago. They're still married (my parents got over it. My boyfriend and I were together five years, got engaged, moved across the country for his job and to start a new life (my parents loved him and supported it). We broke up three months after we moved because I found out he was a serial cheater. A good friend of mine was with her boyfriend 10 years before they agreed to get married. They've been married 10 years and have two adorable kids. There's not a perfect, magic number that's one-size fits all. Waiting, not-waiting-- it's all a gamble. OP-- do what's right for you and your partner. If your parents' blessing is important (I'm assuming they like him and just object to the timing), and you're still in school, ask yourselves why the hurry. Maybe waiting, saving some money for a decent living place is the right call. Tl:dr: everyone's got success and failure stories. Don't listen to them. Talk to your parent and decide what's best for you. Not getting engaged right now doesn't mean you have to break-up.
This is why the divorce rate is so high. Everyone is talking about these relationships and marriage as if there is no choice in the matter of how your relationships work out. Marriage is a choice to commit to something greater than one's self. It isn't about how much time you have spent together or how old you are it is about pursuing something wonderful. Our society always asks the wrong questions such as "is this person right for me?" " will our love last?" "Will I still want this later on?". These questions answer nothing except to tell you how much of a narcissist you are. The question you really want to ask is if you are ready to commit to building a life with another person. Time is a factor but it matters little in the long run. A note on people changing: People will always change, nothing will stop that. When you make a decision to marry someone you should remember you are marrying a person who will change. The beautiful part about marriage is that you are committed to work through that change and change together because you are holding on to something greater than just feelings.
I completely agree that marriages should be based on more than lovey-dovey feelings, but you can't plan for the unexpected, some situations can floor even the best intentions to stay together through thick and thin. Not saying you should enter into it lightly but failed marriages can be crushing enough without people judging the level of responsibility that went into it.
95, how are those not the right questions? Life is way too short to be miserable, and being with the wrong person who is already showing signs that they're going to make you unhappy down the road is no way to go into a binding agreement with exorbitant termination fees. Assessing a potential partner's overall compatibility before the marriage seems like the best way to prevent divorce to me, but then again, I've stopped dating due to an apparent inability to form attractions to men who aren't suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome.
Ok OP, I am your age and also getting married to a guy I've been with for nearly two years. We've known each other since high school though, and know each other pretty much inside out by now. I won't go into why I am confident this one will last forever, but... OP, I don't care about age or how long you've known each other per se, but you REALLY need to know your bf WELL. You should NOT consider marriage until you have discussed/know (in no particular order): 1) How your bf manages his money. Is he a saver or a spender? If he manages his money differently to you, will he try to control how you manage yours (or vice versa)? Will you share accounts? 2) Are you going to have kids? How many? 3) How will you discipline your kids? What would you do if you had a child who got pregnant/got a girl pregnant at the age of, say, 14? Would you let them have an abortion? Would you *want* them to have an abortion? How old should your child be before you 'allow' them to date? When will you give the sex talk? Who will give the sex talk? How would you take it if you lost a child? What would you do if you caught your child stealing? Taking drugs? Wagging school? Cutting themselves? 4) Where are your boundaries with others? If one of you has to go on frequent business trips, will that be a problem? 5) What will you do if one of you starts becoming distant? 6) How do you handle fights? 7) How will you deal with it if one of you feels attracted to someone else? 8) What will you do if one of you becomes addicted to something? 9) What are his values? When faced with moral dilemmas, can you predict what he'll do? 10) if either of you are religious, will you raise your kids religiously? whose religion? why? Does he drive you forward? Does he ever pull you back? Do you pull him back? What will you do if you feel like something's missing? What are your dealbreakers? How long do you think the passion will last? If you know your boyfriend well enough, you should be able to answer these questions. You should be able to predict his responses at least reasonably accurately in every new situation. My fiance and I know each other practically as well as we know ourselves. OP, people do change - sometimes dramatically. Sure, the risk that the person you love will change is there no matter what age they are. But this is a particularly significant age of change. My best friend was practically the same person she always was, all throughout high school and the beginning of uni, until about two years ago where she made MASSIVE changes - she started doing things she previously absolutely DESPISED in others. People change, OP. And I know what you're thinking "I'm different though. We're different". Let me tell you - everyone here who's trying to advise you to be cautious, had at one time or another believed that they were different. Had excellent grounds for that belief. Rolled their eyes at the thought that they could be wrong. You lose NOTHING from waiting and getting to know that person more, OP. What difference does it make? What's the hurry?
61, some parents suck. They're abusive and/or mentally unfit to be parents, so no, they don't always deserve respect or to have their opinions taken seriously. My own personal biases aside, though, it sounds to me like OP's parents are perfectly fit parents giving perfectly fit advice. As much as it pains me to sound like an old fart urging today's youths to listen to their elders, I do think OP would be wise to take her parents' concerns to heart.
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You're parents are dumb fucks. Screw them, you don't need their blessing, if you two want to get married that's all that matters.
Although you should make sure that you're correcting for the right thing. Despite the fact that you're correct in saying it's "your," the reason is not because it's the first word in a sentence but rather that you're is a conjunction of "you" and "are" whereas your is possessive. It has absolutely nothing to do with sentence placement.
124 - Technically it should be outside, since anything in quotation marks is something you're trying to quote. Regardless of the actual laws of the English language, it's pretty much common sense. And the comma was for my own sentence. If I meant it for your correction I would have put extra quotation marks.
136- You're just flat out wrong. That's not how it works. Really, you can stay ignorant of the fact just to convince yourself you're right, but you're not. "Regardless of the actual laws of English..." Lmao. So, if you disregard the textbook rules for grammar, you are right? Haha, that's enough. I submit in laughter. You tried way too hard to somehow find a flaw in my first statement when none was there and now you just look dumb.
I'm sorry they didn't give their blessing, but you shouldn't need it to get married. If you need their financial support for the wedding though, just remember that if you really love each other it shouldn't matter if you get married now or in 20 years, because you love each other and you'd be together anyways, legally binding contract or not.
You have been dating for a year. Maybe wait a bit longer?
I mean, it's only been a single year. They are probably wise to advise you to take the time to really consider your future with him. Wait a little longer and make sure you really know he's the one for you.