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Sestricken Say more :
Hey guys, OP here. For clarification, I'm 21 and he's 19. Now I know that's a bit young, especially for dating for a year, but it's not like we were planning on getting married straightaway. The engagement would have lasted about a year or so, at the very least until I graduate college so I can get a job to support us. This whole thing with my parents has come as a complete surprise since we are both very responsible people and have prettymuch everything planned out for finances and how we would make a life for us. However, we can't just go against their wishes since it's very possible that we may need their financial support in the future, and there's no way either of us could foot the bill for a wedding (his parents wouldn't do it either). It's not all doom and gloom, though. Once we both graduate college and get jobs there's really nothing my parents can say against us, and I believe they'd support us then. However, that's a long time to wait when you already know who you're going to marry.
By Sestricken - / Tuesday 11 August 2015 12:22 / United States - New Kensington
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By  marcranger  |  28

OP, if it's the piece of paper you want, I know that the DMV in my state will issue a marriage license for free. It sounds like you want the full-on hoopla of the wedding, though, which there's nothing wrong with that, it's just...not something that needs to be done on a specific timeline. That said, I really can't help but echo the other commenters who are advising you to exercise caution and wait longer. Longer than a year. I met my first ex when I was your boyfriend's age (my ex was 19 as well), and the droll, intelligent scholarship student I knew them developed into a depressive, jobless, alcoholic dropout a mere half a decade later. Not to say that your boyfriend will wind up on a downward trajectory, but one's early twenties are a time of huge change and figuring out who one is and what one wants, and even if your boyfriend doesn't turn out to be a total loser like mine did, he (and you) may still find yourselves changing in ways that aren't compatible long-term. If that turns out to be the case, let me say from personal experience that it is much easier to go through a breakup than a divorce!

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  cupcakebruh  |  21

If I were OPs parent I would have said no just because of the fact that they have been dating for only a year. You may feel like you're in love after one year, but come back to me once its been 2 years. Me and one of my exs were together for a year, I would have told you that we were madly in love and we were going to get married, but now I know that would have been a HUGE mistake.

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  9a_1z  |  12

I married someone I'd only known for 10 months (in my 20s). I'm not sure how many years I'm meant to wait before I declare it a success, but our relationship will have to crash and burn in a pretty spectacular manner for me to say the negatives outweighed the positives.

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  Sestricken  |  11

Everyone seems to be assuming that I don't know about relationships or wouldn't know when it's the right one. Just because I'm younger doesn't mean I haven't experienced bad relationships, enough to know when it's not right.

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  marcranger  |  28

I know a lot of this advice and commentary sounds smug and condescending, OP, and I apologize in advance because I know what I'm about to say will seem like more of the same, but there is a really huge difference between the shit relationships you have when you're in high school and the (potentially) shit relationships you have when you're old enough to be at least semi-independent and choose who you want to live with. And hey, maybe your relationship will stand the test of time! But there's no reason to jump the gun on marriage if that is the case, and taking the next few years to really get settled as independent, full-on adults and find out if you two make a good independent, full-on adult team is simply a good policy. As I've alluded to in other comments, my first serious relationship that began I was near your age ended horribly (though I did get a published FML out of it, so, great?) because it turned out my ex couldn't hack the whole independent adult thing. Other friends of mine have parted ways with their then-partners not because they shared my talent for dating real man-children, but merely because they found that the onetime loves of their lives were perfectly fine people who turned out not to be suited for long-term relationships with my friends. Tl;dr: maybe your relationship really, truly is the one, but...you're really young. You have time to make absolutely certain you're right.

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  hiheyitschloe  |  13

I don't think anybody's assuming anything op. People are just giving their advice. Tbh, not to be rude but there's a reason why a lot of people wait till about 4 years of being together and up to get engaged. I mean, if you feel it in your gut that they're going to be the one you stay with for life then I guess do it. Nobody here can control what you do. We're just saying there's no rush. if you have the ability to wait it'd probably be best.

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I agree with your parents. There's no reason to rush into marriage. people do change, but it's more the situation that changes. For instance, if you've never lived together you haven't seen him in that setting. Maybe you'll hate it, maybe you won't, but I don't understand why you're in such a hurry. my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and I don't need to get married to know he loves me.

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  chinaski7628  |  32

My brother and sister-in-law met at a party when they were 18 and it was supposed to be a one night stand. Within two weeks, he had moved in with her. By the end of the year they were married (and my parents hated every second of it). That was 22 years ago. They're still married (my parents got over it. My boyfriend and I were together five years, got engaged, moved across the country for his job and to start a new life (my parents loved him and supported it). We broke up three months after we moved because I found out he was a serial cheater. A good friend of mine was with her boyfriend 10 years before they agreed to get married. They've been married 10 years and have two adorable kids. There's not a perfect, magic number that's one-size fits all. Waiting, not-waiting-- it's all a gamble. OP-- do what's right for you and your partner. If your parents' blessing is important (I'm assuming they like him and just object to the timing), and you're still in school, ask yourselves why the hurry. Maybe waiting, saving some money for a decent living place is the right call. Tl:dr: everyone's got success and failure stories. Don't listen to them. Talk to your parent and decide what's best for you. Not getting engaged right now doesn't mean you have to break-up.

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  Aquila_Umbrae  |  26

This is why the divorce rate is so high. Everyone is talking about these relationships and marriage as if there is no choice in the matter of how your relationships work out. Marriage is a choice to commit to something greater than one's self. It isn't about how much time you have spent together or how old you are it is about pursuing something wonderful. Our society always asks the wrong questions such as "is this person right for me?" " will our love last?" "Will I still want this later on?". These questions answer nothing except to tell you how much of a narcissist you are. The question you really want to ask is if you are ready to commit to building a life with another person. Time is a factor but it matters little in the long run. A note on people changing: People will always change, nothing will stop that. When you make a decision to marry someone you should remember you are marrying a person who will change. The beautiful part about marriage is that you are committed to work through that change and change together because you are holding on to something greater than just feelings.

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  9a_1z  |  12

I completely agree that marriages should be based on more than lovey-dovey feelings, but you can't plan for the unexpected, some situations can floor even the best intentions to stay together through thick and thin. Not saying you should enter into it lightly but failed marriages can be crushing enough without people judging the level of responsibility that went into it.

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  CaroAurelia  |  12

Eh, my parents got married after about a year and a half of dating, and they've been married for 40 years. Happily so for at least 35. I feel like it's different for everyone. Any less than that, though, and DO NOT.

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  marcranger  |  28

95, how are those not the right questions? Life is way too short to be miserable, and being with the wrong person who is already showing signs that they're going to make you unhappy down the road is no way to go into a binding agreement with exorbitant termination fees. Assessing a potential partner's overall compatibility before the marriage seems like the best way to prevent divorce to me, but then again, I've stopped dating due to an apparent inability to form attractions to men who aren't suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome.

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  Arwen_Evenstar  |  37

Would have been? You can actually get engaged without your parent's blessing - of you can't realise that then maybe you are too young. My parents were engaged after about 14 months, married after 17. Stayed married for 19 years until my Mum died.

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  SneezyBear  |  25

Ok OP, I am your age and also getting married to a guy I've been with for nearly two years. We've known each other since high school though, and know each other pretty much inside out by now. I won't go into why I am confident this one will last forever, but... OP, I don't care about age or how long you've known each other per se, but you REALLY need to know your bf WELL. You should NOT consider marriage until you have discussed/know (in no particular order): 1) How your bf manages his money. Is he a saver or a spender? If he manages his money differently to you, will he try to control how you manage yours (or vice versa)? Will you share accounts? 2) Are you going to have kids? How many? 3) How will you discipline your kids? What would you do if you had a child who got pregnant/got a girl pregnant at the age of, say, 14? Would you let them have an abortion? Would you *want* them to have an abortion? How old should your child be before you 'allow' them to date? When will you give the sex talk? Who will give the sex talk? How would you take it if you lost a child? What would you do if you caught your child stealing? Taking drugs? Wagging school? Cutting themselves? 4) Where are your boundaries with others? If one of you has to go on frequent business trips, will that be a problem? 5) What will you do if one of you starts becoming distant? 6) How do you handle fights? 7) How will you deal with it if one of you feels attracted to someone else? 8) What will you do if one of you becomes addicted to something? 9) What are his values? When faced with moral dilemmas, can you predict what he'll do? 10) if either of you are religious, will you raise your kids religiously? whose religion? why? Does he drive you forward? Does he ever pull you back? Do you pull him back? What will you do if you feel like something's missing? What are your dealbreakers? How long do you think the passion will last? If you know your boyfriend well enough, you should be able to answer these questions. You should be able to predict his responses at least reasonably accurately in every new situation. My fiance and I know each other practically as well as we know ourselves. OP, people do change - sometimes dramatically. Sure, the risk that the person you love will change is there no matter what age they are. But this is a particularly significant age of change. My best friend was practically the same person she always was, all throughout high school and the beginning of uni, until about two years ago where she made MASSIVE changes - she started doing things she previously absolutely DESPISED in others. People change, OP. And I know what you're thinking "I'm different though. We're different". Let me tell you - everyone here who's trying to advise you to be cautious, had at one time or another believed that they were different. Had excellent grounds for that belief. Rolled their eyes at the thought that they could be wrong. You lose NOTHING from waiting and getting to know that person more, OP. What difference does it make? What's the hurry?

By  ILikeKoalas  |  24

Huh? What they said actually makes no sense. Get married anyway, it's not up to them!

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  oasis359  |  13

your parents opinion should always matter to you. respect them, even if you disagree.

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  marcranger  |  28

61, some parents suck. They're abusive and/or mentally unfit to be parents, so no, they don't always deserve respect or to have their opinions taken seriously. My own personal biases aside, though, it sounds to me like OP's parents are perfectly fit parents giving perfectly fit advice. As much as it pains me to sound like an old fart urging today's youths to listen to their elders, I do think OP would be wise to take her parents' concerns to heart.

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  leogachi  |  15

@61 Respect doesn't mean obey. She can marry the guy while still respecting her parents. Besides, she was asking for their blessing, not their permission.

By  RealSuperSand  |  21

You're parents are dumb fucks. Screw them, you don't need their blessing, if you two want to get married that's all that matters.

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  RealSuperSand  |  21

Well you either die a grammar nazi or live long enough for autocorrect to uncorrect you.

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  mds9986  |  24

18- Since it was the first word of the sentence, it should be "Your." If you're going to correct somebody, at least be correct yourself. Otherwise, you look stupid.

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  Sestricken  |  11

Although you should make sure that you're correcting for the right thing. Despite the fact that you're correct in saying it's "your," the reason is not because it's the first word in a sentence but rather that you're is a conjunction of "you" and "are" whereas your is possessive. It has absolutely nothing to do with sentence placement.

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  Lalala579121  |  27

Actually what 44 was saying was that it should be capitalized, so the correction should also be capitalized. But 44 is still wrong. It should be "Your", not "Your.". So how's that not looking stupid working out for you, 44?

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  9a_1z  |  12

To me, most online discussions about tiny errors in people's grammar look stupid. But then again, I'm one of those posters who taps their comments out and smashes their fist down on the send button before they can properly check it for errors.

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  mds9986  |  24

104- That's blatantly wrong. Sorry, but you look more stupid than anybody here now. The period signified the end of my sentence. I didn't need a comma, and weather you put it on the inside or outside of the end quote doesn't matter; they are both right. I'm actually laughing at you.

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  Lalala579121  |  27

124 - Technically it should be outside, since anything in quotation marks is something you're trying to quote. Regardless of the actual laws of the English language, it's pretty much common sense. And the comma was for my own sentence. If I meant it for your correction I would have put extra quotation marks.

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  amypr  |  20

That's incorrect. I'm not sure where you are from, Lalala579121, but the person you are correcting is form the United States. In the US, periods and commas go inside the quotation mark, regardless of whether or not it is part of the quoted text.

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  mds9986  |  24

136- You're just flat out wrong. That's not how it works. Really, you can stay ignorant of the fact just to convince yourself you're right, but you're not. "Regardless of the actual laws of English..." Lmao. So, if you disregard the textbook rules for grammar, you are right? Haha, that's enough. I submit in laughter. You tried way too hard to somehow find a flaw in my first statement when none was there and now you just look dumb.

By  alex_622  |  21

Well OP, people do change with age. They get wrinkles (: but if you do love him and he loves you, then it shouldn't matter whatever everyone else thinks.

By  khoov19  |  20

love has no age, as long as both parties are of a consenting age, but if your parents think those things maybe they have more than that as a reason and they just arent expressing them. good luck

By  dicedicebaby  |  11

I mean, it's only been a single year. They are probably wise to advise you to take the time to really consider your future with him. Wait a little longer and make sure you really know he's the one for you.

By  peacefully84  |  19

Depends on how old you two are. If you're 18 and he's 16, then yeah he's going to change a lot. But then, so will you, and that's why it's not generally a good idea to get married that young. I would know, I got married at 16 and divorced at 22.

By  danceinconverse  |  25

I'm sorry they didn't give their blessing, but you shouldn't need it to get married. If you need their financial support for the wedding though, just remember that if you really love each other it shouldn't matter if you get married now or in 20 years, because you love each other and you'd be together anyways, legally binding contract or not.

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