Intimacy: Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over...

By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

BO Central

Side effects

By karaokestar - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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46061

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By anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

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9305

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By whoops - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

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42666

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter and husband decided to surprise me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumps back from the hug and says "ewwww smells like fish." FML

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44632

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my family is going to the USA for Christmas after being lucky and getting their tickets re-booked. My ticket was canceled due to the snow, and will not be re-booked. Merry Christmas to me, myself and a bottle of wine. FML

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31029

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By Anonymous - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday, but that he got scared because my orgasm face made me look like "a camel having a stroke." FML

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52031

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By summerbabe77 - United States - Medford

Today, my dog somehow managed to swallow a ring that my mother had bought me. Now I must carefully poke and search through each pile of dog crap I find in my yard for the next week. FML

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22896

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Considerate boyfriend

Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

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45671

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By KMack - United States

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

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By Whipped Cream - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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21283

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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34369

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By cmoney6452 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

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30094

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By B-Ry

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

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4383

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By GlassPwn - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

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25621

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 12:30

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

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1715

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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43644

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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15804

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking through the halls of my high school, me and my boyfriend shared a quick kiss. A young teacher walks by and tells us to stop due to Personal Display of Affection rules at our school. She then looks at my boyfriend and tells him he could do so much better. FML

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By rj93 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

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By misi

Today, my mother threw a fit because the psychologist she got me suggested I visit a psychiatrist. Apparently, it's my fault because I "choose" to be so "crazy". FML

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1600

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109

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By Username - France

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was "So does yours." FML

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26375

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By pianonerd - Canada

Today, my piano teacher told me that she "forgot" to inform me that she volunteered me to play a 5 page song in a recital in front of 300 people that's happening next week. FML

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By JustLeaveThem

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

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2627

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML

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30139

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By fack - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

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22581

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

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63366

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By slightlyslow - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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By dazedandconfused - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By Christina - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

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28343

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By no snow day - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By humanalarmclock - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML

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30327

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By 00sasori - Canada - Vancouver

Baseless accusation

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

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By sportskidguru - United States

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

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Today, I quit smoking cigarettes. While driving to work, the car in front of me flicked his out the window, flying straight into mine. It set the bottom of my seat on fire. FML

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7296

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school's theatre decided to produce Les Misérables. I got the part of Éponine. My boyfriend, being a talented performer, could have gotten any part he wanted. However, he only wanted to play the soldier responsible for killing Éponine. FML

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Top comments

By thatpianoguy612 | 0

#595767 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:12

That. Is. Awesome.

By dacho | 7

#595772 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:14

Sex SESSION? What, you pay him for sex, or?

COMMENTS

By Bloodknight | 22

#595754 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

turkishjew | 0

#2969181 - Monday 25 July 2011 4:21

bloodknight thinks that cuz he never been laid

missonedirection | 6

#4267747 - Friday 6 April 2012 18:50

ahahahaha 75, clever ! lol

crazytiger16 | 8

#4872385 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 6:57

Doesn't matter, had sex!!! :D

melkymac101 | 17

#5888291 - Tuesday 18 March 2014 3:23

Whoever this is, I love you

By blakehilli8 | 0

#595756 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:09

first

degco44 | 0

#596577 - Thursday 1 October 2009 0:01

You're the second, smart one. Epic fail.

pittspens | 0

#596878 - Thursday 1 October 2009 2:35

HAHA. EPIC.

By blakehilli8 | 0

#595765 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:11

fourth

By thatpianoguy612 | 0

#595767 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:12

That. Is. Awesome.

By blakehilli8 | 0

#595770 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:13

sixth

By dacho | 7

#595772 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:14

Sex SESSION? What, you pay him for sex, or?

By blakehilli8 | 0

#595776 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:14

eighth

By blakehilli8 | 0

#595783 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:16

ninth

By blakehilli8 | 0

#595788 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:18

tenth bitch

By youaresofucked | 0

#595790 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 16:18

What made it amazing? Just to clarify....